Us

Douglas, I've been thinking about leaving.

I think our marriage might be over. We should still go on holiday.

Do the grand tour, for Albie's sake as much as anything...

Not just Albie's sake.

No, for all our sakes.

Hotel Bontemps. Literally GoodTimes Hotel.

RHYTHMIC CREAKING, MOANING Is that what I think it is?

I hope it is just two of them.

Hi! I'm Kat.

Are you accusing me of stealing? He didn't say stealing.

Well, at least someone's having a worse holiday than us.

Agh! Ow!

I just feel like I'm losing you both.

Well, I don't want us to go home.

Amsterdam, then.

OK. Are you ready?

Let's give a Petersen family bonjour to Belgium in three, two, one...

..now!

See? Belgium.

The Benelux. Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg.

So...

..this is Belgium.

Hello, Belgium!

TANNOY CHIMES

Mesdames and messieurs, ladies and gentlemen,

in a few minutes we will enter Belgium.

Dans quelques instants nous entrerons en Belgique...

Hmm, I'm not sure that's right.

In wenigen Augenblicken wenn wir nach Belgien einreisen...

Albie, I've just realised, it's the Ardennes over there.

The Battle of the Ardennes, where your great-grandfather died.

Look, just here, see?

OK. German counterattack against the Allies.

Awful, terrible battle.

He's buried somewhere there.

We could have gone to the cemetery.

We could have got off at Brussels and rented a car. Hm.

Well, don't sound too keen, will you? No. I am.

It's just... it's history, isn't it?

Well, yes.

Your family's history.

It's like a school trip, except just me and two teachers.

Thank you, Albie! I thought you'd be interested.

No, sure, it's just sort of

difficult to make an emotional connection to stuff that happened

so long ago. "Emotional connection".

It's not about emotion, it's about my father's father, Albie.

Two generations ago, we'd have been dive-bombed by Stukas by now!

Keep your voices down, please.

No-one's being dive-bombed by Stukas.

Do you always have to take his side? I'm not taking sides!

I don't even understand what you're arguing about.

He thinks I don't care enough about the war. You don't!

I know the history. You're making me out to be ignorant. I'm not.

I just don't think it's healthy to fixate on.

You don't think about what that's like, to be called up for the Army,

standing in the middle of a Belgian forest,

dead of winter, scared half to death.

No phone to play with back then, Albie!

You OK? Sorry. I'm fine.

I AM trying. You can't expect him to have the same interests as you

because he's your son.

World War II is not passed down on the father's side.

Not the same interests - one interest, one thing,

one single shared point of view or opinion.

But why?

You want to get to know him.

This is what he's like.

PHONE MESSAGE SWOOSH

Ah, there you are.

I've just walked all the way from Brussels!

Sorry about that.

We can go to the war cemetery if you want. No.

We've got too many other things planned.

Do you want something from the buffet?

It's a bit early in the day for Pringles, but...

..Kinder Bueno?

I'm not nine, Dad. No.

I'm very much aware of that.

You have to be careful of the bikes because they have right of way.

BIKE BELLS DING

No point spending money on a cab, we'll walk. It's not far.

Now, we're staying in the Grachtengordel,

which is literally "the girdle of canals".

Like concentric - nice word - concentric horseshoes.

Prinsengracht, Herengracht and Keizersgracht.

Or is it Herengracht first?

Oh, look at the map!

I don't need the map.

Herengracht, then Keizersgracht, then Prinsengracht.

Oh, you know it so well.

Well, I did a conference here.

Any wild stories?

Yeah, any wild stories, Douglas?

What happens at conference stays at conference.

Woohoo!

Let's just say it was a very productive exchange of ideas.

It doesn't have to be a party city, it's also a conference city,

a perfectly civilised place.

Are you going to spend the whole holiday walking 12 steps ahead?

Now... here we are, four stars.

Best behaviour, please.

We have some good news here for you today, Mr and Mrs Petersen.

We have been able to upgrade you to the honeymoon suite!

Dad, did you book us into a brothel? Ha, it's not a brothel.

It does seem quite sexual. No. It's just a nice boutique hotel.

Now, you're in Delta of Venus

and we're in...

..Dangerous Liaisons.

The Honeymoon Suite.

Otherwise known as The Irony Suite.

Oh, I'd worry about baths in the bedroom - all that steam.

Except it's not just a bath.

JACUZZI CHURNS

Look at those lights - sexy!

Sexy and noisy!

Maybe later, fire this up, glass of champagne?

How do you have sex with your fingers in your ears?

What's that noise?

Your dad got us a Jacuzzi.

Dad, you dark horse.

I didn't ask for the Jacuzzi, we just look like Jacuzzi types.

Yeah, maybe it's for lower back pain, it's an orthopaedic thing.

Yeah, we probably won't use it.

Definitely a brothel.

Let's get some fresh air...

..and some penicillin.

Concerto For Lute, Two Violins And Continuo In D by Antonio Vivaldi

MUSIC CONTINUES

Nice milk!

Gets the physics of it just right, doesn't he?

Liquids in motion.

Could almost drink it.

Or is this too corny for you?

Course not.

I think I'd be quite good at art restoration.

What makes you say that?

I did that chest of drawers once.

Just give him a bottle of white spirit... Nice fat paintbrush.

SHE CHUCKLES

Albie seems happier. Having a good time.

The trick, when having a good time,

is not to draw attention to the good time. Hm.

And you? Are you having a good time?

CAMERA CLICKS

He keeps missing the pictures. Oh, shh!

You know about art and photos and stuff.

Is he any good? Will he be OK?

Oh, God, Douglas, I don't know.

He might, he might not, but it's what he's passionate about.

It's one thing being passionate about it, it's another thing

actually earning a living. Yes, I do know this.

He's only a kid. Give him time.

CAMERA CLICKS

He's taking a photo of his own shoe. Yes.

The Jewish Bride, it's called,

though Rembrandt didn't call it that. It's beautiful.

"One of the most touching depictions

"of sensual and spiritual love in all of art," it says here.

So look at it.

Well, yes, it is lovely.

He's getting a bit fresh, isn't he?

Dad! How do they know it's their wedding day?

Well, it's not the first date, is it?

Well, they could have been married a while. They're getting on a bit.

Maybe it's the... physicality of it.

CONNIE CHUCKLES

So it'sh a little bit cockney and a little bit shing-shong.

Sho, how did you enjoy your cheeshe toashtie?

That's very bad. We mustn't stay here too long.

Again, pleashe.

We mushn't shtay here too long.

That's amazing! That IS very good. Well, you know.

We can't go just yet. Seriously, though, we're due at the

Anne Frank House at five, so if you want to see the tuli...

Hello, Petersens!

Oh, Christ! Dad!

KAT LAUGHS Kat's here!

Well, that's a nice surprise.

You all right, Mr P? Clutching away at your heart there?

Albie thought it'd be fun to leap out on you.

Albie, you trickster. Very nice to see you, Kat.

I'm stalking you, Mr P.

Can I call you Mr P?

Well, no-one ever has, and I don't like it, but...

I said Kat could join us, just for two days.

OK, well, that might have been nice to... Albie says you've booked into

some sort of brothel. It's not a brothel.

It's a boutique hotel. Oh!

All the more reason to check out the buffet.

Look, big pockets, Mr P.

But I totally get that this is a family thing,

if you want it to be the three of you.

We're very happy to have you here. Yes!

Albie says there's a strict itinerary.

Where to next, Mr P? Tulips or something.

Quite touristy.

Well, we ARE tourists, so that's what we're going to do.

And then it's the Anne Frank House,

but I'm afraid I only bought three tickets, so...