Walk of Shame

Right after the break, we're going to interview David Kern,

who climbed the highest Mountain in the world, Mount Everest,

but he's gate... I mean, he's gay.

Excuse me. He's blind.

More teens are having fuck... Having luck, rather.

One way to do a Turkey call is with this gobbler...

that allows the air to vibrate. You should try it.

I'd love to. Go ahead. I want to see this.

No, no.

That just wasn't right.

It's a beautiful Memorial Day.

We have people out here sunbathing.

We have people tossing the ball around.

And we really want to advise that you guys try to make it...

I'm a bird, bitch! A safe Memorial Day.

Okay, dude. Goddamn it, man!

Well, I'm sure you needed it, Annie.

Did you get many spankings as a kid?

As a kid? No. I... Oh!

Whoa. Wait a minute.

Susenko Energy is announcing a proposal to Jack off...

What is your comment on the results of the proceedings?

What really happened on that Thursday here at Central High...

that led to Tim Johnson's de...

What the fuck was that? Shit!

God, I'm dying in this fuckin' country-ass, fucked-up town.

It looks like Reuben is in the lead, and here comes...

No! No! Aaah!

An infestation of Canadian Brown Finches, which is a small bird...

I guess I should have seen that one coming, huh?

We now send it over to Meghan Miles. Meghan?

Hey, Joe, I'm here at the A.S.P.C.A. where I'm...

I think she is. Meghan, are you okay?

Okay, Meghan... We'll get a medic over to her.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for coming with me.

You're my girl. Team. Right. Team.

They're not going to bring up the cat thing, right?

That was 100 years ago. No one looks at those YouTube things anymore.

Yeah, right. Relax, Meghan.

Relax? Ooh. It's the network.

It's a big step up from local, but you are ready. Oh, I'm ready.

Just be yourself. No, I'm going to be exactly what they want me to be.

"Anchor."

It is both a noun and a verb.

A reliable or principal support,

but in action, it means to hold fast.

Hmm. Mmm.

I believe I can do that for your viewers...

be the center, and hold them... steady.

Tell us more about yourself.

Well, I was raised in Texas.

I studied journalism at the University of Texas.

I love to read. I'm a voracious reader.

Mostly historical fiction.

Have you read Toni Morrison's Beloved?

- Of course. - Good answer.

My role models include my parents, which I know is corny,

but they've been married 35 years...

and, um, I am recently engaged.

We like that. We'll have a decision in two weeks.

There isn't any... dirt in your past that we should know about?

Skeletons?

Bones of any kind?

I'm a good girl.

Morning, Meghan Miles.

Be well. Good day. Good day.

Hey, looking good, Chuck Rogers.

Five minutes to air, people.

I just spoke to my source inside the network. And?

Its down to you and Wendy Chang.

The decision should come down today.

Don't be nervous. Don't be nervous?

You shouldn't have told me. Breathe.

Oh, gosh, hang on.

This is Meghan Miles.

Meghan, you dirty hooker.

Rosie, stop. I'm about to go on air. Okay, good.

But be advised that we are going out tonight to celebrate.

Honey, I didn't get the job yet.

- Minor detail. - I don't know.

It's been a really long week.

Don't be a cock-blocker.

Repeat after me: "I will not block the cock."

You know what? Hang on. I have another call.

It could be the network.

- This is Meghan Miles. - Meg, honey.

- Hey, Mama. - We just saw your last newscast.

You did such a good job.

Although that outfit was a little revealing by about a button.

Really?

I've been telling wardrobe to watch out for it.

Thank you for the feedback. Well, we love you.

Say hi to Kyle. I love you too.

Talk soon.

Fine. I will not block the cock.

Still me, hon.

I'm so sorry, Mama.

This is KZLA Live at 5:00 Eyewitness News.

- With Jane Rain, weather. - Camera one.

Ready, Chuck? Let's do this.

Chuck Rogers, sports.

And Chopper Steve, traffic.

Will you stop it? My mother's gonna kill me.

Good evening, Los Angeles. I'm Meghan Miles.

Our top story:

The day is upon us.

A traffic nightmare of biblical proportions.

What some are calling "Carpocalypse Now."

Portions of the 10 Freeway will be closed for construction

during this coming weekend.

For more, let's go to our own Chopper Steve.

Chopper Steve, can you tell us what it's like up there?

Oh. Doing great. Fantastic.

Chopper Steve, are you texting?

Who's gonna pull me over up here?

It's sailing pretty smoothly down there right now,

but we're warning drivers about massive congestion this weekend.

So you're saying they should steer clear.

Oh, steer clear.

I got that one, Meghan Miles.

Thanks, Chopper Steve. We'll check back with you in the 6:00 hour.

Check back? What? Did my check bounce?

Aw. Sorry.

Okay. Bye now, Chopper Steve.

Fly safe.

Real smooth, Chopper Steve. Fuckin' loser.

I should just crash this thing into the Hollywood sign,

end it all. We can still hear you. Your Mike is on.

- Live Mike. - Copy that.

For continuing updates on the Carpocalypse,

stay with KZLA for all your news needs.

The Ventura County Italian-American Club did a great job,

but don't call Mr. Guinness just yet.

It turns out the world's largest meatball resides in Genoa, Italy.

Stay tuned for more KZLA coverage on Carpocalypse,

and find out what simple household item may just be fatal.

I'm Meghan Miles. Be well.

And we're clear.

Great.

Chopper Steve... Is he on his meds?

Short answer, no.

Did anybody call? Did you get any e-mails?

No. No. Calm down. Any text messages I need to know about?

Calm down. I'm going to hear from them,

and I'll call you at home.

I can't wait to get my drink on.

And get my dance on. And...

Just those two things. Denise.

What?

Meghan.

Meghan! Meghan Miles.

Either she's not home or she's ignoring us.

Or she's incapacitated, tied up...

or maybe she had a stroke or a seizure or something.

Denise, this is Brentwood. Nothing bad ever happens in Brent...

Oh, my God, O.J. Simpson. I just remembered that. Yeah.

Meghan! It's open.

Honey, you are not back on the farm in Texas.

You cannot just leave your door unlocked.

Hey, party girls. What's up?

What do you want to drink?

I have tap water. Wait.

Wait, what's going on? Where's Kyle?

He's at the supermarket.

And, um, where's all your stuff?

Oh. Um...

Kyle took it all to the supermarket.

The supermercado.

He's gone.

He, um...

He said he didn't know who I was anymore,

and then he left and he took everything.

That's so weird. When is he coming back?

Why did you not tell us?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

Rosie, I just...

Yeah, but, honey, we're your friends. We're not gonna judge you.

Hang on. It's Dan.

Meghan, don't freak out, but they're going with Wendy Chang.

Meghan, are you okay?

Chang!

This is such a terrible time for Kyle to not be here.

Denise, shut up.

They gave it to Wendy Chang.

She's an anchor in San Francisco.

There you go, honey. That's a diversity hire.

Asian. What can you do about that?

She's not even Asian.

She's adopted. She has red fucking hair.

I'm sorry. That was mean.

Good for her. No.

Screw Chang. You are the best.

Yeah. No one reads the news like you, Meghan.

We're going to sit down and come up with a plan to fix your life.

Okay, guys, no more pity party. It's fine.

So go. I'll be fine. I'm just gonna stay here and catch up on Idol.

No! We're not gonna leave you here.

You don't even have your dog.

Technically, it was Kyle's dog.