American Housewife

Katie, great job on the Spring Gala!

Thank you.

Now you're getting paid to plan parties.

Mrs. Otto, your donut, and a doily to go underneath.

A donut doily.

I...

I need a moment.

When I started having children 17 years ago,

I never thought the day would come when I'd...

finally be able to start work.

I... What the hell are you doing?

And why does your breath smell like you just threw up grass?

Luthor, ew!

Ow! Off my boob!

Katie: Oh, man, stress dream.

Today's my first day of work in 10 years.

Can I do this?

Okay, Luthor, fetch me my slippers

and all the energy from my 20s.

Okay, guys, how do I look?

Like you're ready to turn the business world upside down.

Don't pressure me.

I'm not looking to turn the business world upside down.

Okay, then I'll just say that you look beautiful.

I'm a professional woman, Greg.

I don't want to be judged on my appearance.

Oliver, when you get married, you might someday encounter

what's known as a "no-win situation."

Here's what you do... walk to the refrigerator,

look inside it for a while.

I just want to get through my first day without screwing up.

I, for one, just want to say thank you.

You're a mom. You're working.

You're a working mom. You've got it all.

What are you doing?

- Being encouraging. - I don't like it.

It's creeping me out.

Why am I being encouraging, you ask?

This is the kind of parenting I no longer have time for.

Because today's tip for success is, "Be encouraging."

Who's Johnny Diamond?

He's a motivational speaker

who's helped hundreds of people become filthy rich.

So now he's also my new role model.

I thought I was your role model.

Adorable, Dad. Never change.

Johnny D's holding a seminar in Westport later this month.

I just need 500 bucks to get in.

Oh, Greg, the boy just needs $500.

Go get my change purse.

No need. I have it right here in my shoe.

"You gotta learn to love the haters."

Johnny Diamond.

There's no way I'm giving you $500 to join a cult.

Oh, good morning, honey.

I don't need a Walmart greeter when I come down the stairs.

I just said "good morning."

Stop being so bitchy about losing

your awful Blondetourage friends.

They were the worst!

"I chewed and spit out the best meal last night."

Wow, it's like they're in the room.

Come on! It's club day at school.

You'll join a club and meet new people.

I checked the stupid list and they all seemed stupid.

Since I'm now working,

I am going to start delegating some parenting.

Oliver, if you motivate your sister to join a club,

I'll give you that money to join that cult.

Deal, and, "It's not a cult until they raid your compounds

and seize your assets."

- Johnny Diamond. - Eh.

Mama, are you gonna pick me up from school today?

No, sweetie, your daddy worked it out with his schedule.

He'll pick you up, but I will be home

to tuck you in and read you a story.

You promise?

Not only do I promise, I pinky double-kiss promise.

Now that Mom is working, we all need to do our part.

Did everyone remember to pack your own lunches?

- Yeah. - Yes.

I packed the best lunch ever...

a jar of Spanish olives

and my olive-eating gloves.

And for the crowd at recess...

Seems like I need to change the Amazon password.

Hmm.

- Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.

I feel like Anna-Kat's OCD is getting worse.

I mean, she looks like she's starting a meth lab.

Do you think it's because I'm going back to work again?

I mean, I know I'm going to ruin this kid's life,

but is this the moment when it actually happens?

It's a big change, but don't worry!

I got this.

Oh, crap! I gotta get to work.

Work...

I'm going to work!

Before you go...

I got you a little present.

So even when you're at work, the family's always with you.

Aww, I'm not taking that thing.

I got a job to get away from you people.

Bathroom's down the hall. Kitchen is back there.

And this is your office.

If I put a cot in here, I could move in.

Is there a shower in the building?

No.

I could make it work.

Are you ready to meet Whitney?

Of course!

I am so excited to finally meet the boss.

Fantastic.

Whitney, you're on with Katie.

Whitney: Katie, hi.

Oh, um, hi, Whitney!

I heard such great things about your Spring Gala.

I had to hire you right away.

I wanted to be there for your first day,

but I'm having some health issues.

Oh, no. I hope it's nothing serious.

Just serious enough to get the fun drugs.

So are you ready for your first assignment?

Can't wait.

You'll be throwing a party

for the Westport socialite Nancy Granville.

Oh, no, Katie. You look disappointed.

That's right, Kevin. I see everything.

So, Katie, you know Nancy?

Yes. Nancy and I have some history.

Hmph. Old Navy.

I knew it.

You wanna see my tag?

- Nope. - I'll just tell you.

It's Gucci!

But it won't be a problem.

Good.

And, Kevin, if you want to keep this job,

give me push-ups.

Not the lady ones, Kevin!

Off your knees!

Okay, let's narrow things down.

All the academic clubs are out, obviously.

How 'bout Yearbook?

Ew, it has the word "book" in it.

Then the only club that seems to make sense to me is...

Drama club.

They're doing "Little Shop of Horrors."

Hmm, maybe.

In the third grade, I won the talent show when I sang.

"She'll be running around the fountain when she hums."

You mean "Coming around the mountain when she comes"?

It's "fountain" and "hums."

I don't care. Just sign the sheet.

"Coming around the mountain."

You've been singing that wrong your whole life!

Before we start, I wanted to clear the air a bit

and say I'm a little surprised that you hired me.

No, Katie, don't be!

You did such an amazing job at the Spring Gala.

You were the only person that I wanted to hire.

Aww.

Plus, now that you're an employee,

I feel like I finally get our relationship.

Let's get started.

What type of event are we throwing?

Well, last year, we had the most amazing.

Great Gatsby party at The Manor.

- Ooh. - There was a champagne tower.

There were Charleston lessons.

And Marjorie Roland relapsed, almost drowned in the pool.

It was so on theme!

Anyway, this year, I am thinking bigger and better.

Now, my husband, Marshall...

Mm-hmm.

Marshall.

My husband, Marshall, has come up

with a sexy, sophisticated idea for the party.

This year's theme is "South Pacific."

It's my favorite musical.

Okay, Katie, I know what you're thinking...

"How did Marshall get so straight?"

That is exactly what I'm thinking.

Well, he spent the whole summer at a retreat in Montana

and just came back super butch.

I just love women.

I love everything about them...

their hair, their nails, everything.

This all seems very permanent.

Anyway, when I hear "South Pacific,"

I picture turning your yard

into a tropical beach

with a volcano that erupts,

pouring out a signature cocktail

served by shirtless waiters in grass skirts.

Old me would've loved that.

Excellent. I'll get started on the estimate.

Roughly how many people are attending?

Well, we have invited 50 adults and 25 children.

There'll be children at this party?