Modern Family

What was my best brush with celebrity?

Oh, this is such a good one.

One time I saw Jack Nicholson at the car wash.

I can't go through this again.

Jack Nicholson does not drive a Hyundai Odyssey

with a Co-Exist bumper sticker, Cam.

Being in the closet business, I met a lot of famous people.

I can't name names,

but let's just say it's someone who's the boss.

- You met Bruce Springsteen? - No, Tony Danza.

Oh, from the TV show? Nah, she was the boss.

It's open to interpretation.

I saw Santa Claus at the mall.

"The Unwitting Miss Castle." What's that about?

It's about three persecuted women in different time periods,

or one time traveler with incredibly bad luck.

I don't know which.

Somehow, I was able to join a very exclusive book club

filled with the most intelligent women.

I can never seem to impress them. They use words like "sanguine."

I don't want to look like an idiot, so I use it, too.

Isn't that the most sanguine thing you ever heard?

You're not using it right.

I've read the same chapter eight times...

still don't get it.

Just say, "It holds a mirror up to society."

You'll get your "C" and get out of there.

Huh.

- Good morning. - Hi.

Who's that young thing?

Wow, what's up with the outfit, Mod Squad?

Oh, yeah, I'm, uh... I'm showing a house to someone.

- Oh. - I'd rather not say who it is.

- I totally get that. - It's Chris Martin from Coldplay.

- Come on, really? - It's not a big deal.

Says the man who spent most of last night

sewing that flower onto his jeans.

Okay, it's a really big deal.

I'm meeting the man who sings how I feel.

Yes, his music is so sanguine.

Eh, closer.

Never been a big Coldplay guy.

I'm more into hip-hop, death metal, "Little Mermaid."

That one really imprinted on me back in the day.

- My stomach feels weird. - You're probably just nervous.

Ooh, maybe you need someone to come with you.

No, he's there to buy a house, not talk about music,

which is why I'm not even gonna mentionthat

I'm a songwriter, too.

Oh, you wrote one song.

- I said everything I had to say. - About a realtor.

It was about life!

This is why they mock you at book club.

*MODERN FAMILY* Season 09 Episode 08 Title: "Brushes with Celebrity

Oh, here's a brush with celebrity I can actually talk about.

Last summer, I was called upon

to participate in the most American of traditions...

getting out of jury duty.

Do you have any experience with law enforcement?

Big time. I-I don't trust, uh, cops.

Also, I despise robbery victims.

They're the real criminals for clogging up our court system.

- Nice try, Juror 3. - What about economic hardship?

The last time I missed work, the California closet market collapsed.

Some people think that caused the L.A. Riots.

I must be done talking.

I'm going into labor.

Ma'am, Ma'am, everything's gonna be all right.

Bailiff, help Juror 11 with anything she needs,

and bring in the next alternate.

Uh, as her Lamaze coach,

I think I should probably be out in the hall with...

Terry Bradshaw. I love Terry Bradshaw!

Juror 11, is there anything that might prevent you

from serving effectively on this jury?

No scheduling conflicts, Your Honor.

However, I am going through kind of a rough patch right now.

You see, I lost my best friend.

Or did he just find one?

But I'm happy to serve.

I believe in the American legal system,

and I believe it's all about teamwork.

That's a touchdown of an answer, champ.

Uh, this lady here...

put me down for that.

Are you ready for some justice?

- Oh, my God. - What? A celebrity?

- It's Sam Anvilmaker. - Who?

He wrote "The Forgetters and the Forgotten"?

"Farce, American Style"? "Screw You For Reading This"?

What the hell is happening?

Yes, that one, too! He's my favorite playwright.

Why don't you go over and tell him that you're a fan?

Maybe he can give you some advice.

No, no, I wouldn't want to bother him.

He's notoriously private.

He writes in a hollowed-out tree somewhere in Montana.

- Don't be nervous. - It just doesn't feel right.

Manny, if somebody admired my work as much as this,

I would like to know.

- Go. - Okay. Here we go.

- Uh, excuse me, Mr. Anvilmaker? - Let me guess...

I'm the reason you want to be a writer.

Yeah, actually.

Your first play changed the way that I looked at...

Look, listen, kid.

I'm not here to collect panties with phone numbers on them.

I'm here to experience the cold absurdity that is being alive.

So go and find someone else to venerate.

Oh, uh... Sorry for bothering you.

Here's a writing tip...

show me you're sorry for bothering me. Don't tell me.

Okay, let's take a picture of the two new best friends.

Come together.

I should never have left my tree.

And then, I saw Daniel Day-Lewis at our dry cleaner.

Not him. No.

Uh, the time we actually saw

a celebrity was last December

when we were shopping for gardening supplies.

I'll never forget the feeling of having Lincoln

look directly into my eyes and saying,

"We couldn't get the barbecue sauce out."

We both don't need a pair. We can just share these.

And what if I want my own?

We share everything. We share a toothbrush.

- We do? Oh... - Oh, my... Oh, my gosh.

There's the guy who hosts that home makeover show we love so much.

- What? Where? - It's Scott Hunter.

Scott Hunter is right over there.

Every week, Scott Hunter, the host of "I Beg Your Garden,"

selects an unsuspecting couple at a home store.

Yeah, he taps them on the shoulder and says,

"I beg your garden."

What?! Oh, my God! I can't believe it!

That's how it goes every time.

Every time.

Where are the cameras?

I know. I wish I would've worn something more colorful.

Okay, you know what? We have to get on the show.

Can you imagine a backyard makeover,

what he would do with ours?

Yeah, one word, three syllables,

starts with "gah," ends with "zebo."

- Gazebo. - I love gazebos.

I do, too! Now that I'm thinking about it, I have to have one.

- Oh, my gosh. - Wait, we work hard.

We deserve to stand in the shade a few inches off the ground.

Yeah. Okay, you know what? Let's go get tapped.

Hm, what's over here?

I don't know. Oh, my gosh, Mitchell, do you like this planter?

It would go great in our hopelessly

outdated and neglected backyard.

Well, I love it if you love it.

And what do you think of these pavers?

Oh, I think they go great with that gazebo

- we've always dreamed of having. - Oh, forget it. He's gone.

W-What did we do wrong? We were pleasant.

You know what? Maybe we were too nice.

Couples on those shows always have conflict.

So do we. When's the last time we agreed on anything?

We... We're constantly bickering.

I know, sometimes it reveals something deeper,

but not always.

You know what?

Let's go show him our

delightful brand of bitchy friction.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

- Stop seeing eye-to-eye with me. - Sorry, sorry.

Let's go find him and drum up an argument.

Yeah, terrific idea.

I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm just...

Oh, ow. What is going on?

My gro... oy... oh!

This was a nightmare. I was about to meet my hero,

and I was experiencing this bizarre pain in...

in my... nether region.

Wait, I'm a grown man. I should be able to say it...

my left bean bag... did it again.

My tersticle... That's as close as I think I'm gonna get.

Hello?

Hey, hey!

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

- Phil. - Hey, I'm Chris.

- Oh! - Hey, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

You thought I'd be better looking.

People think that because the rest of the band

- look like hobbits. - No, no, no. It's...

- It's a little... - Hey.

I love your flower jeans. Where did you get those?

They're from a store.

Well, they're very me. They're very me.

Do you remember the name of the store?

- Actually, I embroidered them myself. - Impressive.

When you're ready for it, you get a T-shirt,

you put it on top of a long-sleeve,

then it lets everybody know you own multiple shirts.

Impressive.

So, mate, shall we have a trod-a-bout?