After Life

If you're watching this, then I'm not around anymore.

I couldn't say any of this to your face. It's too embarrassing.

For you, not for me, obviously.

You're never very good at hearing how lovely you are.

But you are.

You are. You're lovely.

But you're absolutely fucking useless.

So I thought I'd leave you a little guide to life without me.

You've gotta turn the alarm off in the morning, yeah?

If you open the door, it'll set it off,

then the alarm company think we're getting broken into.

If you do set it off, you've gotta ring 'em.

The number's in your phone under "alarm." The alarm code is 8645.

That's your PIN code.

You know this.

And... put it on "perimeter," otherwise the dog will set it off.

And feed the dog, yeah?

First thing in the morning and when you get in from work.

- And what else? -

Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings.

Black bin is household waste,

green bin is recy- -

Where's your bowl?

There it is.

Oh, fuck!

- No dog food. -

Baked beans or vegetable curry?

Thought so.

Oh, sorry.

- I'll get you some real food later. -

Fuckin' hell.

Vegetable curry for me then.

Oh!

- Hello. - Hello.

Um, I'm starting here today.

I'm starting work here today.

Okay. Do you have a name?

Yes. Sandy.

No, I mean, who are you meant to meet here?

Who hired you?

Oh. Mr. Braden.

Come here. Good girl.

Your dog should be on a lead.

- What? - Dogs should be on a lead.

Can't you read? The park's for everyone.

Oh, right. Oh, sorry.

Thank you. Come here, girl.

Come here.

What?! He is not a fat, hairy, nosy cocksucker.

Bad girl, Brandy.

Sorry about that.

- Disgusting. - See you later.

Good girl.

Right.

I've gotta go to work.

See you later.

I'll bring you some food.

Good girl. Good girl.

Good girl.

Here you go.

What?

It's your post.

Put it through the door.

Well, you're here, so it saves me a trip.

- I don't wanna walk with it, do I? - Why not?

You're new, aren't you?

Yeah, I was transferred...

No, I don't care.

Presumably in your old round, you put things through the door, didn't you?

Mate, there's no need to get lairy.

- Why are you talking to me like this? - You gonna report me?

Yeah. What's your name?

You'll laugh.

Trust me.

It's Pat.

Postman Pat?

Yeah.

Put it through the door.

That was easy, wasn't it?

- You could've done that. - No, I couldn't.

- Why not? - I'm not a postman.

Go on.

Hi, George.

Hi.

Who's that?

He's my uncle.

Pedo!

- What? - Pedo!

I'm not a pedo.

And if I was, you'd be safe, you tubby little ginger cunt.

Welcome.

Great to have you.

I remember my first day, and it is exciting, isn't it?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Great place to work, this.

Very dynamic, lots of people in and out all the time.

Really excellent bunch of people.

Hard working.

It's very rewarding as well. You get to go out into the community.

And that can be anything from local stories, you know,

um... entertainment, finance.

So, yeah.

Kath does the advertising.

Be nice to her, and she might take you to the opening of a new restaurant,

give you a free meal.

Lenny does all the photography,

so if you're interested in that...

Everyone chips in on everything, really.

So what kind of thing are you interested in, would you say?

Um, writing features.

Perfect. That's great.

You'll definitely do that here.

Lots of features. Sky's the limit.

Um...

Tony's the head of features.

He's not here.

He's a very good writer.

Very smart, very experienced, good guy. Um...

He's not himself at the minute, to be honest.

He's had a bit of bad news. Um...

His, er... Tony's my brother-in-law.

Um, he was married to my sister, Lisa,

who died.

Cancer.

- Sorry. - Yeah.

And he was obviously devastated.

Er, suicidal.

Right.

I should warn you, he might...

say a few things that are a bit...

er...

brutal...

at times, so, you know, don't take it personally.

I mean, you will be working closely with him.

Anyway, er...

- have fun. -

Thanks.

So, how are you?

Same.

Bad then?

I've honestly nothing to compare it to anymore.

But I guess a good day

is when I don't go around

wanting to shoot random strangers in the face

and then turn the gun on myself.

One of my clients

fantasizes about killing his ex-wife...

...when he's masturbating.

- Why are you telling me that? - I didn't say his name.

No, I know, but...

how does that help me?

I dunno.

I guess to let you know you're not the only one.

Only what?

Well, the only mental case out there.

I mean, you know...

the only guy with mental problems.

- I've got problems. - Go on.

God, man, where do I start?

Maybe start with me, as I'm paying, but...

- Morning. - Morning.

Terrible, isn't it? Scarred for life.

Hardly scarred for life.

She's 93.

If she lives to 100, she's only been scarred for seven percent of her life.

You're late.

You're boring.

You're joking, aren't you?

I wasn't, but go on. What have you got?

It's distribution day.

No, I mean, why would you think I was joking about you being boring?

Have you got a... counterargument or...

- Why do you let him get away with this? - I don't.

Tony, come on. What's going on?

Er, we're putting out a free local newspaper

- that no one cares about. - No, that's... That's not true.

And that's not what... Can you come in my office?

Sure.

A lot of people rely on our paper. Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?

Back to work, everyone.

What do you want me to say?

That I'm sorry, and I'll buck my ideas up? 'Cause I won't. 'Cause there's no point.

Look, Tony, I know that you've had issues,

- okay, since you lost Lisa. - Do you reckon...

my wife dying affected me a bit?

Of course, and, you know, I get that. I even told Sandy about it.

Who's Sandy?

The new girl. I didn't want her thinking this place was a madhouse.

I had to say something.