Modern Family

Explain yourself.

I'm taking photos of your feet for perverts.

- Ew! - Hear me out.

Remember when you couldn't return those sneakers you bought

and asked me to sell them online?

Right after I listed them...

I got a message asking if they'd been worn and sweat in.

Before I could lie and say no...

I got another message.

"Can I see your feet?"

Apparently, there are a ton of these feet freaks on the Internet.

Oh, my God, did you write this?

"My little piggies got so sweaty."

- Sexy, right? - No. No, it's gross!

That pair of sneakers went for over $200.

I have more in my closet.

That was three weeks ago,

and we have made a ton of money since.

All I have to do is wear a different shoe every day.

Hitting all of the right notes... Ship it.

pour L'Expo Internationale du Closet sont...

Kabinett Konig, Berlin.

- Pritchett's Closets... - Hah! Yes!

- Aah! Yes! - Yes, yes!

- Yes! - Yes!

You guys are so gross!

For the first time in company history,

we are going to the Expo Internationale du Closet!

Berlin. Pritchett's Closets.

Son of a bitch, we did it! We did it!

Manny, I appreciate you coming from college for this moment.

Yeah...

Something like this only happens once in a wee... year... lifetime?

If that!

I'm accustomed to certain creature comforts

that are hard to come by at school,

so I've been stopping hometo... borrow things.

You know, I may have to go shopping.

I'm kind of between tuxedos, size-wise, right now.

- Oh, so this is a... big deal? - It is.

But, uh, don't feel you have to live up to this.

Because that kind of pressure can kill a kid.

That's probably Claire calling me.

These will be rolling in all day, you know.

Hello?

Who still uses fax machines?

You know what? People are gonna want to see me at the office.

I'll just play nine holes and head in early,

- huh? - Yeah!

- See you, kid! - See you.

My new real-estate company is this close to its first sale.

A sale we really need!

Not just to prove my old partners wrong,

but also to pay the bills.

Unfortunately, my client has developed a case of cold feet.

Phil, this house is everything I have wanted.

Great! Should we write up an offer?

But, I am feeling a hostile energy.

I can assure you this house is filled with nothing but happy memories.

- If these walls could talk... - They can. And they are.

Personally, I don't believe in any of that evil-spirit mumbo jumbo.

As a magician, I've learned that every spooky happening

has a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Even the eeriest of illusions, Satan's Elevator,

is really just two mirrors and a tiny...

nice try.

When Phil told me about this house, I offered to help.

Now that Manny's away at college and Joe goes to kindergarten,

I have time for one of my old hobbies...

confronting the devil in all his forms.

I have everything I need...

sage, a spoon from the Vatican cafeteria,

my maracas...

Oh, here she is!

Mrs. Graham, looking well! How are those peptides doing?

Ooh, terrific! My shaman realigned them.

And I got the last everything bagel,

so I guess we both got off to a great start today.

What say, we buy a house?

Oh, this is Gloria. She'll be addressing your concerns.

Nice to meet you.

I instantly trust you. Why is that?

Oh, I got it.

We were once cats together.

I joke! I'm not that crazy.

Now, tell me about the ghost.

Well, in these suburban cases,

it's usually a low-level haunting,

like a dead unpaid gardener,

a dead jealous boyfriend,

a dead dog who left something unfetched.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, she's just taken with

the natural light and the flow at this price.

It... it still gets me every time. Hey!

You did it, you bastard!

Be the change

you want to see in the world...

- I got here as soon as I could! - Shh!

In some ways, the words of Gandhi

are truer today than ever before.

The world is taking notice

of the Aurora walk-in,

which is blurring the line between storage and sanctuary.

I want to take a moment to celebrate our rock,

our foundation,

someone to whom we owe

a very special debt...

Josie.

Rock? Foundation? Josie? Who is that?!

And to thank you all for your amazing accomplishments,

I have got an ice-cream cart coming in this afternoon!

That's right.

I.T. guy, I need your help.

- Cigar ash in your keyboard again? - Something bigger.

But, yeah, bring that little vacuum.

My sister Pam came to stay with us for a couple weeks.

A year ago. In the unit upstairs... which we used to rent for money,

which we need to pay for everybody in the unit downstairs.

We had no choice. She was pregnant.

The father, Bo, was in jail,

and she happens to be my best friend.

Yeah, yeah, like Tom and Jerry are best friends.

Pam, did you remember the oranges?

Say "oranges" one more time.

Oranges.

- Say it one more time! - Oranges!

And then she left the door open, and poor Larry got out

- and got in a fight with a possum. - Ohh.

Now we have to give him antibiotics every day at noon,

which he hates.

On the positive side, we've both been coming home at lunch

because it's a two-man job,

as it what we've also been enjoying on our little lunch break...

You look really cute in that suit.

You look really cute in those gym shorts.

Only eight more days of cat antibiotics.

Say "antibiotics" one more time.

Antibiotics.

Okay, sweetie,

but Pam's Mommy and Me class is only an hour,

so, you know, hurry.

Oh, a surprise, huh?

Okay. Okay, well I can't wait.

- Yeah? - Afternoon.

Oh, my God, are you the surprise?

Um, I was thinking candles, or flowers on the bed...

My name is Bo Johnson, and I am here to meet my baby boy

and win back the love of my life, Miss Pam Tucker.

Oh, my... You're... you're B... you are Bo.

Um, okay, well, Pam is not here.

Uh, I'm Mitchell, Cameron's husband. He's talked so much about you.

Oh, well, he did have a little thing for me

- back in high school. - Yeah.

I guess he's got a type.

Stop it! Stop it. I am nothing like...

Well, if you don't mind, actually, I'd like to come in?

Uh, I got to see man about a horse.

But we don't have...

That's a classy way of saying I got to make my bladder gladder.

Bathroom! Uh, yes... Uh, end of the hall on... on the right. Yep.

Oh, and the Teen Vogues are our daughter's!

We don't even know who Demi Lovato is!

Okay, how did Larry get out again?

God, it must've been your sister. So, guess who is in the bathroom.

Oh, well, my surprise was just candles, but I'm not saying no.

No, uh... It's Bo.

- My Bo? - No...

Well, technically, he's... he's more Pam's Bo,

and I am your Mitchell.

But yes. Yeah, he's here to take Pam and the baby home!

I mean, how great is that?

Cameron Tucker!

Get the hell out of my house. Close those arms.

Come on, Cam.

- Yeah, come on, Cam. - No.

You are not getting anywhere near my sister.

Now get out!

Hmm?

Let's go! Get out!

Uh, won't he just wait for Pam outside?

- I mean... Okay, you know... - Come back in!

Great. There goes Larry again.

You know, I'm starting to think he's unhappy living here.

Good. Good.

Uh, no Velcro. Our brand is a little more upscale.

Uh-oh. Another buyer is tired of seeing the same feet.

Oh, it's my fault now? What's he doing to keep things interesting?

Why do I care?

I'm surprised you were open to this.

I'm surprised you know how to do this.

Don't forget, we have to get over to mom's work to ship shoes later.

Wait a second, you're using Mom's FedEx?

Every time she and Dad have a fancy night out,

she uses the hashtag "Luke's college fund."

So, yeah, I'm using her account.

Speaking Spanish...

Is there something you're not telling me about this house?

I am kind of getting a murdery vibe.

The only killing that's ever gonna happen in this house