The Palm Beach Story

- In case we miss the train, we have the place in Yonkers. - Of course.

- What'd he say? - He said “Of course.”

- We're from Texas originally. - Of course.

- What'd he say? - He said “Of course.”

- Why does he keep sayin' the same thing all the time? - My husband's a little deaf.

- Of course. Yes. - What'd he say?

He said it's as quiet as a tomb here — Just what we're lookin' for.

- I don't mind a little life. We'll be dead soon enough. - Come in.

Concrete.

- I said, “Come in.” - I'm fine, thanks. How are you?

I hope all the tenants aren't as disagreeable.

I can assure you they're not. The building is very friendly, efficient and quiet.

LI' - She got in by mistake, but she's leaving in the morning.

- What? - I said she's leaving first thing in the morning.

Who? My wife? You going home to see your mother?

LI'

What's that? Canary? I love birds.

I said she is leaving the first thing in the morning.

You don't have to shout. And your best friend oughta tell you a little secret.

Just speak in a low, clear voice.

I said she's leaving first thing in the morning. She got in by mistake.

But tomorrow she flies away.

I understand it's a bird. What about it? I like birds.

It's right here.

- Duplex. - What's the ceiling so high up for?

That's what duplex means. The one floor up over the —.

- You don't keep the apartment very clean. - What's on the balcony?

You see, the former tenants aren't getting the service.

A little delinquency in the rent.

What's he say? I don't like him to talk to me.

He says the former tenants haven't been getting any service.

That's why the place is so dirty. They didn't pay the rent.

I don't mind a little dirt.

That's the trouble with women — always fussin' around, lookin' for something to pick on.

- You can tell me later, Arthur. - Never satisfied with things the way the Lord made 'em.

Why, dirt's as natural in this world as sin, disease...

storms, twisters, floods and cyclones.

Is there anything else you'd like to try?

What you doin' in the bathtub with your wrapper on?

I might ask you what you're doing in my bathroom.

I don't suppose you go with the flat.

- Nah. That's too much to hope for. - Thank you.

- I'm glad you like my perfume too. - Huh?

I said I'm glad you like my perfume too.

You have a lovely, clear voice — like a bell.

If I was married to you, I'd hear everything you said almost...

but you wouldn't enjoy it.

- Besides, I'm already married. - So am I.

Me too.

Anyway, I'd be too old for ya.

“Cold are the hands of time that creep along relentlessly...

destroying slowly but without pity that which yesterday was young.

Alone, our memories resist this disintegration...

and grow more lovely with the passing years.”

Heh. That's hard to say with false teeth.

[ Laughing 1.

You're a funny old man.

I didn't get it, but you looked very pretty when you said it.

- I love birds. - You do?

If they're showing the apartment and you're still in it, you must be broke, huh?

- Ah, it doesn't matter. - What did you say?

Uh, yes.

- That varmint rentin' it out from under ya? - Yes.

I know how you feel.

I was broke, too, when I was about your age.

But I didn't have a figure like you got. I had to use my brains.

You'll get over it. You'll get over being young too.

Someday you'll wake up and find everything behind ya. Gives ya quite a turn.

Makes ya sorry for a few of the things ya didn't do while ya still could.

- Are you sorry? - How much rent do you owe?

Well, that isn't really your business.

I can't hear you. You're mumbling.

I said it isn't really your business.

I'm in the sausage business. Don't worry about me.

This'll be a hot one on the wife.

She's down there poking her snoot in everybody's business...

egged on by that varmint.

How much do you need?

- Don't be silly. - Will 500 cover it?

Please don't talk nonsense.

I can't hear you. You're mumbling again.

You shouldn't mumble with such a lovely voice.

I wouldn't do this for everybody.

- This joke has gone far enough. - You say that ain't enough? Well, how much do you need?

Y-You're just embarrassing me.

That's all right. Don't mention it.

It's a privilege to do a favor for such a beautiful lady.

It makes me feel young again.

- There. - Oh. How do you suppose it makes me feel?

I haven't seen anything like this for so long.

You talkin' about the money? Forget it. I'm cheesy with money.

|'m the Wienie King — Invented the Texas Wienie.

Lay off of 'em. You'll live longer. Here.

Buy yourself a new dress, too, and a new hat.

You're a fine girl. So long.

Whoopee! Hot diggity!

Hello? Give me Longacre 5-6599, please.

You see, it's strong and safe. It's simple and practical.

It lets the light and air through, and it's practically invisible from below.

And it's built right in the middle of the city...

instead of way out in the sticks somewhere.

Excuse me a moment. Be right back.

- Yes? - Darling, the most exciting thing has happened.

Look, honey, I'm right in the middle of a talk with a very important gentleman.

- Could you tell me later? - Oh, all right, dear.

Of course, this is the big one...

but to build a working model in some field or village somewhere...

that small planes could actually land on — To prove that it was practical —.

Would only cost about $99,000.

After that, we'd be on velvet.

You see, it's a steel mesh made of stretched cables.

Every municipality, every town, every city needs one.

- My patent is basic. - $99,000 is a lot of money.

Oh, but it isn't what it costs. It's what it brings you back.

I've got $99,000 now...

but if I was to build this thing, I might —.

Let's start all over again from the beginning.

Go ahead. My time ain't worth anything. I'm retired.

Psst.

Hey, Mike, come here a minute.

Take a gander inside and see if the manager's gone to dinner.

- I don't wanna see him face-to-face. - Sure.

But if it's the rent you're thinking about...

you can go in and whistle up his nose — It's paid.

- It's paid? What do you mean it's paid? - It's paid.

- Who paid it? - Your wife.

- My wife? - Well, I'm sure it wasn't mine.

- An old man give her the money. - What do you mean an old man gave her the money?

I said I'm taking you to dinner and then the theater and then supper.

So hurry up and put on your dinner jacket.

Just a minute.

What's all this malarkey about some old man paying the rent for you...

that the whole building is buzzing with?

It's not malarkey, darling. Here's the receipted bill. You see? It says “Paid.”

And I paid the butcher and the grocer and the drugstore.

And I got this dress and had my hair done...

and six pairs of stockings and some new shoes.

And here's $14 in change. That's for you.

- Isn't it wonderful? - Sensational. But you haven't quite answered my question yet.

- What question, dear? - Why this alleged old man gave you — How much is it?

- $700. - $700.

- Why? - No reason.

- Oh, is that so? He just — $700, just like that? - Just like that.

Sex didn't even enter into it?

Oh, but of course it did, darling.

I don't think he'd have given it to me if I had hair like excelsior...

and little short legs like an alligator.

- Sex always has something to do with it, dear. - I see.

From the time you're about so big...

and wondering why your girlfriends' fathers are getting so arch all of a sudden.

Nothing wrong. Just an overture to the opera that's coming.

- I see. - You don't really.

But from then on, you get it from cops, taxi drivers...

bellboys, delicatessen dealers.

- Got what? - The look. You know.

“How's about this evening, babe?”

- So this gent gave you the look. - The Wienie King? Oh, no.

Oh, at his age, darling, it was really more of a blink.

Really? This is very illuminating.

You don't have to get rigid about it.

It was perfectly innocent, I assure you.

Where'd you meet this Wienie King?

- You'll die laughing when you hear. - All right. Convulse me.

- In the bathtub. - In the bathtub?

- Yes. Isn't that charming? - Delicious. What were you doing in the bathtub?

- I was hiding from him. - Hiding?

What kind of games do you play around here while I'm out?

- I wish you could've seen the expression on his face. - I'm glad I didn't.

- How much water was there in the tub? - I was standing in the bathtub.

- You were standing in the bathtub? - In my pink wrapper.

Oh, darling, he was just a funny little old man in a funny hat.

- We sat on the edge of the bed and talked for a while. - He's on the bed now, is he?

There aren't any chairs in the bedroom, darling.

What was he doing in the bedroom?

He wanted to rent the apartment.

But when he found out we were broke, he gave me $700 and he left.

- Just like that? - Well, I did kiss him good-bye.

- Now the truth is coming out. - The —.

Oh. “The truth.”

You just tell me where this Wienie King lives...

and I'll take his money back to him and tell him what I think of him.

I don't know where he lives, darling.

I don't even know his name, and I don't think they'd give the money back —

I mean the grocer and the drugstore and all.

- You really couldn't blame them after they waited so long. - That's right.

Rub it in.

- Tom? - Yes'?

It's wonderful to have the rent paid, isn't it, and the bills settled up?

You feel free and clean, and I like that feeling. I wish it were always like that.

Don't you think I do?

I'd almost forgotten what it was like.

I don't look forward to being in debt again, slinking past everybody.

- I dread it. - It isn't gonna be for always.

Everybody's a flop until he's a success.

Somethings bound to come through. I got too many good ideas.

Say, there's a $2.00 overcharge here.

Now that everything's paid up, you could move.

Well, where'd we go?

I wasn't thinking about me. I just meant you.

Oh.