Plebs

Jizz, I think we might have missed our turnoff.

- Well, have we all haven't we? - This map's a total dickhead.

There's tons of shit that's just not on it.

Like that tree. Or that plough over there.

- Do I need to turn the cart around or not? - We'll be fine.

Fine? As in we'll definitely end up in Tuscany?

Yeah, I reckon. All this blue bit's at the side.

Blue bit? Do you mean the sea?!

Oh, yeah, I do like to be beside the seaside.

- No, that is not what... - Oh, yes!

I'll have a pint of prawns and a nap on the beach.

Or a shag on the beach with a local hottie.

- That's what I call a holiday! - It's not a holiday! How many times?!

It's a business trip. To buy wine from a vineyard in Tuscany.

All right, chill, got it. Tuscany. Not a holiday.

- So are we going the right way or not? - We've missed our turnoff.

- Oh, you howling prick! - Hey!

- Give it here! - Get off!

That pig weren't on the map either.

Well, the wheel's a write-off.

Oh, good. Because there's bound to be a mechanic around here.

The pig's a write-off and all, by the sound of things.

Oh, dear. Let's do the decent thing and put it out of its misery.

Sure? I'm happy to eat it.

No, there is nothing decent about that.

Let's just give it a quick, painless death and press on.

- Yeah, cool. Go on, then. - I'm not doing it, you do it.

Your shitty map reading's the only reason we're on this road.

All right, aggy, I will.

All right, come on, Mr Piggy, let's get this over with.

I wish I'd got that extra collision cover now.

- It's a right old rip-off, though, isn't it? - This is how these rental companies get you.

If you want to be fully insured, you have to pay a fortune up front.

So you decide to risk it, and then, if you do have an accident,

you have to pay 'em even more. It's just brutal.

I feel your pain, boss.

- It's a bit sleepy, innit? - Don't oversell it,

it's deader than that pig. In the end.

Yeah, sorry, it put up a bit of a fight.

Do you reckon they know how to fix carts here?

I doubt they know how to make fire here, Grumio.

Or walk on two legs.

- You fellas lost or summat? - Hey.

Yeah, we had a bit of a prang in the road back there.

- So I see. You're a right old state. - He's fine.

It's actually our wheel we're more concerned about.

That's a nasty one, that is.

Dad! Come look at this here.

Oh, that's a nasty one, that is.

Yes, thank you, we're aware of how "narsty" it is.

We're more trying to get it repaired so we can get onto Tuscany

before dark, ideally.

All, right, well, we'll give it a go. You'll need some new spokes, mind.

- Really, you can fix this? - Yeah, I'll get my man onto it.

I don't know if he can do it by nightfall, though.

Thanks so much. I'm Marcus, by the way.

- This is Jason and Grumio. - Hey.

I'm Atlas, this is my daughter, Calypso. Welcome to Soggy Ditch.

Here, if you're hanging about, you boys should join us for dinner.

We should, I completely agree.

Right, Cally, tell Nanna we've got three more need feeding.

I believe she's down vineyard.

- Right you are. - Sorry, you have a vineyard?

Yeah, we make the best wine in the valley, if I do say so myself.

Here, bide where you be, and I shows you.

Come on, you.

Let's get to you seen to and all.

Oh, yeah, do see to me.

- You a wine lover, then, are you, Marcus? - You could say that, Atlas.

Full disclosure, we actually run the swankiest wine bar in Rome.

That's why we're on our way to Tuscany, to stock up the old cellar.

Oh, well, then, you'll need to give me your expert opinion.

I don't know bugger all about all that.

By all means.

Oh, yeah.

That's got a lovely big nose.

- Yeah. - Long legs, a good body, generally.

Right-oh. I don't know how it compares

to your lush Tuscan stuff, mind. Apart from the difference in price.

Yeah, well, Tuscan stuff is lush, you're not wrong, but

is it too lush?

I honestly wonder whether my customers

wouldn't prefer something more earthy and cheap,

- like, well, this. - What?!

Well, I ain't never sold my wine outside the village before.

You think them snooty, shitty folks might go for it?

If it came with a personal recommendation from Marcus Gallo, they would.

I tell you what, you do me a deal for a few barrels now,

and if it sells, I'll come back for a few hundred later.

A few hundred?!

God! I'll drink to that!

You're one of them Roman buggers joining us for dinner, then, are you?

I am, yeah. Grumio.

- What is for dinner, please? - Beef and truffle stew.

Now, then, that is extremely scrummy.

- Beef and what, sorry? - Truffle.

Our local treasure. Don't tell me you never had 'em.

I have not, no. This is not a food I recognise.

What are you playing at?!

You're only meant to have shavings.

Oh, well, shavings aren't really a quantity I recognise.

- Go on, give us another bite. - No, get off with you. Shoo! Go on!

So then I said, "How about I take 20 barrels for 200?"

Which is half of what we'd have paid in Tuscany.

- Magic. And what's the wine like? - Yeah, seems fine.

- I mean, I have no idea, obviously. - It's red, it's wet,

it's getting me lashed, what's not to like?

Beef and truffle stew!

With roast tatties and buttered cabbage.

If it's okay with you boys, we like to offer thanks before we eat.

To Mother Earth for giving us the fruit of our soil

and the flesh of our flock that we'll enjoy together tonight. Amen.

And also to, not Mother Earth, per se,

but, well, our lucky stars we had a prang

so close to Soggy Ditch and this wonderful family.

- Love it! - To new friends.

And to no more chitchat so I can eat my truffly stew.

- Master? - Sorry to barge in like this.

That's all right, Vulcan, what is it, lad?

I just wanted to say I'm done mending the wheel

- if your guests care to be leaving. - Oh, right, fantastic.

That's okay, though, thanks. We're in no rush...

now we've got our wine.

As you are, then.

I've not seen Caesar lately. I'm worried something's happened to him.

Caesar? He was stabbed to death 20 years ago.

- Did the news not make it here? - No, no, no, Caesar's the name of our pig.

He's not come in for his tea, sir.

Oh, it's unlike old Greedy Guts to skip a meal.

Don't you worry, he'll be snuffling away in his trough come morning.

I'm sure he will. Maybe we should get going now,

- in fact, while it's still light. - It won't stay light for long.

Sun drops fast round here. You boys should stay over, I say.

- Very sensible. Yeah, I agree. - And you've too much wine in you, lad.

We don't want you having another prang, now, do we?

So this area here, we call "the forum".

No way! We've got one of them in Rome.

Go on! I dunno what you do in your one,

but here's where we have all our big get-togethers.

We once had 25 people here.

That's Old Tree there.

Then, down by here is our famous Soggy Ditch.

No way! This is it? Cor, I'm starstruck!

So is it always soggy, like, even now in summer?

You tell me.

Really?! You want to do this here, now?

We've reached the end of our tour, so there's bugger all else to do.

But, I mean, in the actual ditch?

Yeah, it is quite soggy, to be fair.

Stop hogging the covers, Grumio.

- I like having summat between my legs. - And I like having something on my body.

Can you stop making that weird sucking noise?

- It's like sleeping in a sink. - Soz.

I'm just searching my teeth for bits of truffle. I want more.

- I'm gonna get more. - No, you're not.

You're going to sleep so we can leave first thing.

Just dream about truffles instead. With less covers.

Bingo.

So you had your roll in the hay, then?

It was more like a fuck in the mud, but, yeah.

Oh, lovely. Pack up your things, we're off.

- What? Why would we leave now? - Why wouldn't we?

I've got my wine, Grumio got his stew,

you got your hottie, we all got what we came for.

Well, I'd like to get mine again if poss. Maybe a few times.

Can we please, for once, leave somewhere before everyone hates us?

Before Atlas finds out you drove a spoke into his pig.

And then did something similar to his daughter.

This isn't just some holiday fling, mate. I really like this girl.

Me and Cally could be together forever.

Or some of forever, you know, like a couple of weeks maybe.

Look, either way, I'm staying here till it's run its course.

You boys head back without me.

Cally?!

You all right, dude? You haven't seen Cally around, have you?

Cally is mine. Do you hear me, city man?

I loves her, I do. I loves her since we was babies.

All right, chill, I don't want any agg, okay?

Like dirt, you don't. Why you got to be doing it by my cottage, then, eh?

Squelching around down in Soggy Ditch

and making animal noises right under my face, it be!

The position was Cally's idea in every sense.

Don't you dare blame Cally, you wormer.

We've got code round here. Never heard of a country code?

Yes, sure, like, er, don't start fires, always shut the gate...

Two men after the same girl have to fight for her. To the death.

Oh, right. Not heard of that one.

Well, now you know. Forum. Sundown.

And bring a bleed. Cos I am gonna gut you, city man.

I'm gonna gut you like a badger.

- And how much for the wheel? - Oh, no, no, no, that's on me.

- A token of our growing friendship. - Oh, wow, that's incredibly kind.

You lads, you're welcome here any time.

- Especially to buy all that wine. - Then you'd better get making it.