Misfits

- Give me the motherfucking case! - Back off! Stay back!

Give me the case. I swear to God I will cave your fucking skull in!

- I'm gonna saw your fucking legs off... - (CHAINSAW STALLS)

- Oh, for fuck's sake! - Me and you, we're friends.

We bonded...

like the end of Titanic, remember? Come on...

- (SHOUTS) Give me the case! - Fuck the end of Titanic.

Fuck Kate! Fuck Leo!

- Fuck you! - (CHAINSAW STARTS)

Give me that fucking case!

Don't.

What?

Make small talk. I hate small talk.

Me, too.

Hate the small talkers.

Like me mum.

What a twat.

That was probably a bit harsh. She can't help it.

Not since the stroke.

That was a joke.

Me mum hasn't had a stroke.

She did recently have a hysterectomy.

Not a whole lot of laughs that week.

Oh, my God. The crying!

"They took me womanhood..."

I was like, "Mum!

"Spare me the graphic biological details."

Did they tell you nine o'clock? Cos they said nine to me.

# These arms of mine

# They are lonely... #

Oh, yes! Fuck me harder!

Oh, yes, I like it when you do that.

Who are you?

We're here for our community service.

Who are you?

I am your probation worker.

Fuck this tight little asshole!

That's not...

That is just wrong.

That is not how... That's not how God intended it.

Bloody spam e-mails. Deleted.

Oh, yes! - Wow.

Oh, it's so hard! - (MUMBLES)

This is repulsive. Some of the stuff...

Oh, yes! My shit tastes so good on your cock!

Somebody's daughter!

Want a nacho?

This isn't going to end well for ya.

You've already lost a hand.

There's only so many limbs a guy can do without.

Give me the combination for the briefcase...

...and we can all go home and have a nice cup of tea.

Fuck you.

What?

I think we might have a problem.

it The city breathing, the people churning

it The conversating

# The price is what?

It The conversating

# This place is heaven

# And if you see them

# They say what? #

They show up here the day after we get the briefcase.

They're not on community service. It's bullshit.

I'm all over it.

Those poor, deluded fools are under the misguided belief

that I am their probation worker. Turns out that I am quite the actor.

Brilliant.

See if the briefcase guy knows anything about 'em.

He's a stubborn bastard, I'll give him that.

Right, well, you let me know if you want me to come round there

and squidge his bollocks with a pair of pliers for him, eh?

Shit.

Fuck!

Bastard.

What are you doing?

L---

lam... I am... I am looking for a...for a sandwich

that I put it in one of these lockers for safekeeping,

but I'll be buggered if I can remember which one it's in.

I bloody hate it when I misplace a sandwich!

Me, too. It's extremely upsetting.

What kind of sandwich was it?

It was cheese. It was a cheese sandwich.

Perhaps a mouse ate it.

Those furry little bastards do love a bit of cheese.

They do. Bloody mice.

Hmm.

Now you'll have to excuse me, though,

cos I have very important probation-worker business to attend to...

...for I am a probation worker.

Shit!

Just put that back on there. Safety is very important.

That's...

poor craftsmanship, that is.

Shut up! Stop making me out to be the bad guy.

This is a situation entirely of your own making.

Your bollocks are going to freeze into little hairy ice cubes

unless you tell me where that case is.

I'm taking that as well.

A Cornetto. No Cornetto for you, mate.

You know how you said this was a weird setup?

So it turns out the probation worker has someone locked in a freezer.

Why would anyone hold someone captive in a freezer?

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for it.

OK. You give me a perfectly reasonable explanation

for locking someone in a freezer.

Do we need to get involved?

What if we pretend you didn't see it?

How's that sitting with you? Cos...that feels good to me.

I was just getting a Bounty.

Whereas I am eating a Cornetto...

for I am a probation worker

and that is what we eat.

We need to get that guy out of the freezer.

Ring-a-ding, ding, ding!

Bitch!

That's a definite ball-tightening moment.

- What's going on? - Well, either there's a fire,

or someone 'vs attempting to fuck w'? us. Stay w'? mm.

The question is, how much is a bollock worth to you?

Fuck you.

- (GROANS) - What was that? That didn't sound good.

Shit!

OK, so the probation worker keeps a guy locked in a freezer.

It's certainly unusual.

Is he dead?

He looks dead.

If we go now, we can still catch the start of Countdown.

- Who are you? - What?

He sent you, didn't he? Where's the briefcase?

Where's the case?!

I don't know. I don't know anything about any case!

You're welcome(!)

This is why you should never get involved.

Not so much as a thank you.

You've let him out! Jesus!

You shouldn't have done that!

What the fuck is going on?

Imagine the bloke in the freezer is a giant shit,

and over here we have a great big fan.

Shit, and then you've got the fan... Spl-rrrt!

I'm going to level with you.

Hmm?

So prepare to be shocked, huh?

Surprised...

and more than a little bit amazed.

For I am not, in fact, your probation worker. Pfff!

Really?

No shit?

You should think about becoming an actor.

I know! I know.

I know. Just check this out.

The truth is,

like you.

I am also on community service.

It all started yesterday.

There we were, we were all gathered around the vending machine

after another arse-numbingly boring day.

Our mate Seth had just come back from Africa

and he had quite a story to tell.

...so we end up traveling to Uganda.

And we're in this village and some kid wanders into a minefield,

ends up standing on a mine.

If he moves, he's dead.

Kelly marches over, does her rocket science thing and defuses the mine.

Kelly?

- She defused a mine? - The villagers love her out there, man.

- They're all singing and dancing... - Nachos...

...or a Twix?

Sweet and savoury - it's man's eternal dilemma.

So, anyway, I'm just back to get our stuff.

Kelly's fucking off her community service.

We're going to stay out there and...defuse landmines.

She's not coming back.

- Who? - Kelly.

What?!

She's not coming...? When was this decided?

Do we not...? I mean, do we get a say in any...?

I am shocked and I am reeling.

I'm going to get some chocolate because I'm very upset.

Dude? You all right, mate?

They're all after it.

It's my money...

So this money he's talking about must be in the briefcase.

It's got a combination lock.

Can we not just get a bloody big hammer and a chisel, bust it open?

If you open it without the combination, it activates one of these dye-pack things.

It stains the money. It's unusable.