black-ish

As a parent, it's your job to guide your kids

through life's toughest chapters,

even if you aren't that sure

the kid is yours in the first place.

Or if he's even gonna make it in life at all.

And then you're surprised when they do.

That's right.

Junior was finally ready to get his higher learning on...

at my alma mater, of all places,

Howard University.

Now, it's always tough to drop a kid off at college,

but this was Junior, so...

Now, we want a tight hospital corner.

- Yep. - Why is he tucking in his comforter?

The man loves a nice swaddle.

Okay, everybody, you've already said your goodbyes.

Come on. We got some sight-seeing to do... the Lincoln Memorial,

the African-American History Museum. Let's go!

Oh, I'd love to go to those places.

Ooh, those are tourist spots, and you live here now, so... no.

And, Junior, you be careful out here, all right?

And remember,

you can make a shank out of pretty much anything.

That's right. Black people

- human-traffic black people, too. - Yeah.

- That's true. - Don't worry, guys.

Me and Marques are cool.

I mean, he's from Brooklyn,

so, you know, he's teaching me to talk like him.

Ay, yo, sweetheart.

You want to go get a bagel?

And maybe go see a Broadway play?

So, you're gonna grow your virginity back?

That is hilarious.

- All right, come on, guys. Let's go. - Okay.

- Let's go. - Is there anything else you think

you need for your dorm room?

Seriously, like, Febreeze, or more towels, maybe...

- maybe some more hugs from Mommy? - No, no more hugs.

Let's go! Can't keep Lincoln waiting!

- Hey, son. - Never get enough hugs.

- See you in four years. - But Thanksgiving...

- I said four years. - I am so proud of you.

- Okay, yeah. Uh-huh, yeah. - You are a champion!

- Thank God we're finally home. - Huh.

That was the longest flight ever.

Well, not for me. I popped a couple of Ambien. I was fine.

You tried to open the flight door.

Almost got it open, too.

My baby's strong.

We dropped 10,000 feet in 5 seconds.

- Nobody put my mask on. - You survived.

Junior had left the nest,

but the Johnson family hadn't skipped a beat.

And you know what?

Maybe I was even gonna miss him a little bit.

Oh, um...

hey, Dad.

Or maybe I wasn't.

What the hell?

What are you doing home?

How the hell did you get home?

I used the emergency credit card to book a flight.

Well, what's the emergency?

Wasn't really feeling college right now.

What the...

Not to brag, but I predicted this on Twitter three days ago.

Go!

- I'm a prophet. - Okay.

Everybody, relax.

- I decided to take a gap year. - A gap year?

What the hell is that?

I took a gap year once... with The Gap Band.

Charlie Wilson dropped a bomb on me, baby.

- Mama... - Huh.

A gap year is when a kid takes a year

before going off to college.

It's pretty common, actually.

Everyone that I know that's taken a gap year

is some rich kid who turns out to be a ski bum.

Is this some white?

Everything around here is some white.

Pops, it is not some white stuff.

For the record, Malia Obama took a gap year.

- You are not Malia Obama, fool! - Okay. Okay, okay.

Let's just calm down.

We can regroup on all of this tomorrow.

We're just a little... little jet-lagged.

I know I was yesterday.

Junior. Go.

So you're just gonna let him off the hook like that?

Dre.

Come on. He's scared.

And yelling at someone when they're scared

only makes them more scared.

Stop being scared!

Monsters feed off of fear!

You are monster food right now.

But I like yelling at the kids.

Yeah, I know, and... you're the best at it.

Mm.

But he needs his mom right now.

- Okay? - Okay.

He's just got cold feet, sweetie. Just trust me.

I'm gonna get him to go back to school.

Oh, wait a minute. So...

that's your move?

The spokesperson for soft

is gonna toughen up my grandkid?

We literally just brought you to D.C.

and paid for everything.

Museums are free.

Uh-huh.

Junior's gonna be okay, right?

Oh, no.

But at least he made it a lot harder for us

to disappoint our parents.

Hey.

- Good night, Grandma. - Good night, Grandma.

Good night, babies.

Hmm.

No, that ain't right.

What's so important that couldn't wait till morning?

Watching you and Jack

walk into that room together

and shut the door behind yourselves,

well, it made Grandma feel...

some kind of way.

All right, baby, no. Listen, listen, listen.

You're a young lady now,

and you need your privacy.

Huh?

Before you and Jack grow up to be little weirdos

the family doesn't bring to cookouts.

Well, you've never been a twin before,

so of course you don't understand our bond.

Look, me and Jack,

we're like bacon and eggs.

Or... you and shoplifting.

What? What's that you're saying?

Hey, don't act brand-new.

Yeah.

Grandma, I love you,

but I think you're making a big deal out of nothing.

Toss me the coconut oil, please.

I'm trying to make my triceps pop.

Little weirdos the family doesn't bring to cookouts.

Whoa.

What's wrong, Dre?

Are two rappers you care for "beefin'"?

No.

Junior came back from college after two days.

Ah, one of those Doogie Howser types, huh?

Where's he going to grad school at?

My alma mater? Real College University?

No. He's taking a gap year.

What? That's great news!

Dre, a gap year is an awesome opportunity

to sow some wild oats, see the world,

and become the men we were meant to be.

Of course, I didn't get to do any of that

because I was in a full-body cast due to Mono.

That's not how mono works.

No, no. Mono was an Italian bully.

Yeah, put me in the hospital day one of my gap year.

Mm. Okay, look, so you guys think gap years are okay?

- Oh, yeah, they're great! - Mm-hmm.

For us. But not great for you guys.

Look, you should absolutely be worried

if Junior is thinking about taking a gap year

because according to a recent study,

if he does, he's going to be homeless.

What are you talking about?

Oh, this is outstanding.

For the past five years,

I've been an unwilling party

to you dropping knowledge. Well, guess what.

- Hmm? - Now it's my turn.

And, spoiler alert, what I'm about to tell you

has nothing to do with slavery!

Ah. Okay.

As I was saying,

a recent study showed that rich, young white males

are more likely to stay well-to-do,

while rich, young black males are more likely to become poor

than they are to stay rich.

There are a variety of potential causes for this...

imbalanced incarceration rates, employment bias,

and discriminatory housing policies, to name a few.

But, really, it all stems from institutionalized racism

reaching back into America's past as a slave-holding...

Damn it!

Slavery affects everything!

Aw.

It's almost like we need to keep talking about it.

All roads lead to slavery.

Except for the 5 Freeway.

That'd, uh, take you to Portland.

Unless you're going south.

That goes straight to slavery.