The Christmas Letter

- Greetings from the Hammersmiths.

I hope all is well,

and you are in good spirits.

As Christmas approaches,

I like to take time

to reflect on all the wonderful times my family

and I have had this past year.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Love, Clive H.

Dad, mail's here.

Bring it up.

- Here's your mail. - Thanks.

Your mother's gonna make me bankrupt.

What's bankrupt?

- It's like when somebody eats all your Cocoa Puffs.

Cocoa Puffs.

Right on schedule.

[playfully downbeat music continues]

- Greetings from the Hammersmiths.

I hope all is well and you are in good spirits.

As Christmas approaches I like to take time

to reflect on all the wonderful times

my family and I have had this past year.

P.S. You're invited to my big birthday bash in England.

Bono is my special musical guest. Details to come.

- Deb, how come we never do anything?

- Hmm? What are you talking about?

I mean, we're alive,

but I don't really live,

I never do anything interesting.

- We went to the Scouts dinner Monday.

Well, I enjoyed it.

I like socializing with people in the community.

It helps me feel connected.

- You like hanging out

with grown men in shorts in the winter?

I mean, come on.

Oh, I mean, we never travel

or go anywhere or skydive.

We never go skydiving.

We used to talk about going skydiving.

- I never talked about skydiving. That's your death wish.

Oh. Oh yeah.

Wait. We got it, didn't we?

What do you mean?

- This annual envy fest is getting old.

Mm.

Do you think Mary bragged

about all the gold, frankincense,

and myrrh that baby Jesus got?

- Well, she should have. It was quite the haul.

Ah, I'll get it. I'll get it.

- Ah! If it's a package, no peeking.

- If. If it's a package.

Oh, hey.

- Hey, Joe. - Yeah. Hi Rich.

- I got one for you today. - Okay. Thank you.

Yeah.

- Do all your packages end up like this?

It's a little beaten up. - Oh, no worries.

Whatever's in there is pretty strong.

Mm. - Okay.

- I, I know 'cause I, I used it to step on it

to reach the top shelf in my truck, so.

- Oh. - You're good to go.

Okay, great.

- Hi, Rich. - Hi, Rich.

Oh, hey, kids.

Did you bring us any presents?

- Yeah, did you bring us anything?

- That's Santa's job. I'm just an honorary elf.

Yeah, see, my job is to pack in all the things

that Santa can't fit into a sleigh.

And I bring those, see? Okay?

- Yes! - Yes!

Well, I'm gonna be, be going.

- Okay. - Gotta get there.

That's a good one, Rich.

- So I'll be seeing you real soon.

- All right. - Okay.

I'll see you around.

- And uh, uh, tell Debbie Merry Christmas!

- Okay. - Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

Rotating tree stand.

I told you not to peek.

- What am I supposed to do with this?

- It's to stringing up the lights on the tree.

- Oh. - Isn't that neat?

Yeah. Neat.

Who does this?

- Someone with controlling stock in Waterford.

- Wonder what his doorknob looks like.

- You know, for someone who supposedly

has been friends with this guy for years,

you sure don't act like it sometimes.

- Yeah, he means well. He's just a bit tone deaf.

He lives in the world of rich and famous

and I live in this one.

And he likes to remind me of it

every single year without fail.

- You know, his letters are always over the top.

So why do you stay in touch?

- I dunno. I guess this goes back to my childhood.

I am pleased to announce,

today I have your pen pal assignments.

Yes!

- Ooh, I hope I get to write to a cute Italian boy.

Save yourself a stamp.

- Getting to know someone from a foreign land

is a wonderful thing.

Many pen pals become lifelong friends.

Texas?

- Even in spite of cultural differences,

you'll discover that you and your new pen pal

have a lot more in common than you think.

I play tennis too.

In fact, I'll be playing Junior Wimbledon this year.

What tennis club do you belong to?

Cheers, Clive H.

Bloody hell.

- I could really tell we are worlds apart

when I got my gold badge in Scouts

and he said, "Oh, gold,

that's a good investment opportunity.

It'd be great for your portfolio."

Bloody hell.

I must have been a glutton for punishment

because I visited a few times

and was eventually asked to be an usher at his wedding.

Oh, there you are, old dog.

Look at you, mate.

You could almost be mistaken

for an accomplished businessman, huh?

- Uh... - Hey, hey,

I want you to introduce you to someone,

has a big thing for Americans.

Joe, meet Fiona.

- Hi. - Hey.

Okay. Got to dash.

Wedding and all, uh...

What's this for?

An usherly favor.

See, my horse steed will be pulling

our carriage away from the church.

He had a little molasses this morning

and he's not feeling that great.

Would you mind?

- Uh... - Thanks.

And keep the spade, the shovel, as a gift.

You kids have fun.

[Joe and Fiona chuckle nervously]

So, Fiona, right?

Fiona.

- And that's when the Christmas letters began.

Year after year reminding me of how great his life is

and how, how mine wasn't.

I just wish I could just experience that life just for once.

What did Thoreau say?

"Most men live lives of quiet desperation."

I don't wanna be most men.

- Well, at least you're not quiet about your desperation.

- One year, we're gonna live that life.

We're gonna do all those crazy wild things

that, that he does.

We're gonna do it.

And people are gonna read about it

and they're gonna wish they we're us

as opposed to us was wishing we were them.

Yeah.

- Stop comparing yourself to others.

You've got it pretty good right here.

I'll get it.

- What is going on with this thing?

Is that smoke?

Hello.

Deb Michaels. Is that you?

Clyde Hammersmith.

Wow, we were just talking about you.

- Sorry. Signals here in the Med are just atrocious.

And the Greeks wonder why things are so bad.

No decent 5G anyway.

Oh, what a shame.

We've been trying all day

to get dinner reservations at Oroscopo and no luck.

I know what you mean.