Wish I Was Here

When I was a kid, my brother and I used to

pretend we were heroes with swords.

We were the only ones who could save the day.

But perhaps we set the bar a little bit high.

Maybe we're just regular people.

The ones who get saved.

Dad?

What's your password?

What?

I said, what's your password?

Dad!

I have no fucking idea!

Swear jar.

Fuck the swear jar.

Aidan. I'm sorry, but fuck the swear jar.

That word means sex. You're gonna have sex with the swear jar?

Okay, Tucker, that's enough, honey.

The code's 1234. What are you doing?

The swear jar is full. Look at it.

The swear jar is all the money

we have to send you to college,

so you should be happy I curse.

I heard you, Dad.

Rabbi Perlman says that cursing is for the simple-minded.

Well, Rabbi Perlman's breath is so bad,

it makes God question why he even bothered creating the universe.

Rabbi Perlman's praying and God's like,

"Please stop, Perlman. You're welcome.

"You're welcome!" (LAUGHING)

Well, if you can curse, then we all can curse. Is that what you want?

Fine. No!

Grace is not gonna curse.

Fuckhead.

Wow!

Gracie! Whoa!

Mom, Dad said that the other day

when someone stole his parking spot.

I did say that, babe, but he was a fuckhead.

He was in a yellow Hummer. Who drives a yellow Hummer?

What, is he going to war on the sun?

Dad, we need this car.

We are not getting an Aston Martin.

But for the next minute only, you can curse.

Then, hairy balls.

Okay. Come on, guys.

Up, up, up. Seat belts.

Tucker! Yarmulke. Tzitzit.

Oh, come on. What is wrong with you, man?

Get it together.

I was thinking about that Aston Martin.

Stop thinking about that car.

It's time to start thinking about the plight of the Jews.

What does "plight" mean? I have no idea.

Ask the rabbis. That's what we're paying them for.

Aidan, you have to talk to your father today.

He still hasn't paid this semester's tuition.

I hate talking to him about money. When was it due?

Months ago.

Okay, and they're threatening to kick the kids out of school

if they don't get a check by the end of this week.

Maybe it's time we put them in public school.

No! Yay!

Oh, no, no, no, we're not putting them in the public school.

I'll talk to him today, okay? (STARTS ENGINE)

Avoid the rabbis if you see them.

I always do!

Bye, Mom! SARAH: Bye, baby.

Bye!

Bye, sweetie.

You need help gearing up back there, Yentl?

Don't call me Yentl.

You can call me Yentl. I love that movie.

I know. I know.

The boys get to do all the cool things to honor HaShem,

and I won't get to do anything remotely cool until I buy my sheitel.

Sheitel? What's that again?

It's a modesty wig.

So, when I get married, I'll shave my head

and wear a wig for the rest of my life.

That way only my husband will find me pretty.

No offense, but that's the weirdest tradition I've ever heard of.

And it wouldn't even work on you because you're so pretty

that you'd look even prettier with a shaved head.

So, it would defeat the whole purpose.

Bye, Dad. AIDAN: Bye.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Hey, guys-

Tucker. Come here. Drill.

I knew it.

I told you. Drill stays at home.

Thank you. (WHIRRS)

Now go be Jewish.

Why? It's so boring.

I have no idea. Ask the rabbis.

Shalom.

I got it right here.

Oh, come on.

Sorry, just give me a second!

Shalom, Mr. Bloom.

Hey, Rabbi Rosenberg.

Mr. Bloom, Rabbi Twersky

would like to see you in his office if you have a moment.

Oh, you know, today I can't.

Today, believe it or not,

a moment is something I just don't have.

I'm gonna have to take a rain check.

Speaking of rain, as you know,

every year to celebrate the holiday of Tu Bishevat,

we ask the children to donate money

to have a tree planted in Israel.

Yeah, I heard about that, Rabbi.

But when you think about it, how many trees

do they really need over there?

I feel like Israel is pretty good on trees.

Which is why, Mr. Bloom,

we encourage the children to plant a seedling in their own backyard.

You never picked up your seedling, Mr. Bloom.

Oh, no, no, I'm fine. Oh, there it is. Okay. Thank you.

Just try not to smoke it.

Clever.

Baruch Hashem.

Yes, bless God. Bless everybody.

I ask you, sir. How many bangs did Jesus hear?

This entire case is dependent on your testimony

that on the night of January 7th... (ALL REHEARSING)

This shit is horrible. In college, I did Othello.

We all did.

Yup.

Aidan, Paul.

Can I just speak to you both here for a quick second?

Yeah, sure. Hey, Terry.

Uh... Didn't your agents call you?

We've decided to go African-American with the role.

Oh. You've got to be kidding me, man. (SIGHS)

I've been memorizing this all week.

Does he have to be a dark black person?

What if he were light-skinned?

Uh...

I'm sorry, guys-

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Ortega?

Ortega, there's a guy on the witness stand, Ortega.

He's an older Hispanic man.

Hola, senor.

Lam on the witness stand and I only heard one bang.

Uno bang.

There was only one uno bang.

Not three. Uno.

Aidan, please tell me you're not

trying to be an older Hispanic man.

I'm just trying to show you my range, man.

I really, really need a part.

I'm sorry, guys, all right?

If it's any consolation, I thought you were Hispanic.

Gracias. De nada.

Fuck!

Oh, yeah, do me like that.

Come on, harder, harder! Oh, yeah. (MOANING)

Catch you at a bad time?

Dad, what the hell?

Trouble in the bedroom, Aidan?

Men have man needs. Those man needs need to be met.

Well, Sarah doesn't really care about my man needs right now, Dad.

We have a lot going on.

So, you're taking things into your own hands, so to speak. (CHUCKLES)

Hilarious. Why haven't you paid the yeshiva tuition, Dad?

I have aggro rabbis stalking me in crosswalks.

It's like an Orthodox zombie movie.

We need to talk. But can you please clean yourself up first?

I can't talk to you with your pants at your ankles.

Fine.

Kugel, no. Kugel!

Sorry.

I know you can't stand the dog.

He's usually so well trained.

If you trained that dog to piss everywhere but the lawn,

then you did an incredible job.

Pool looks good.

What are you growing, typhoid or hepatitis?

What's going on with the fence?

You have a nice little slice of Mumbai back here, Aidan.

The yard has been this way since we moved in.

Are you gonna comment on it every time you see it?

I haven't gotten a decent check

since I did that dandruff commercial.

Ironically, you still have dandruff.

What is going on with the tuition checks, Dad?

We had a deal. You said you'd cover it

as long as you got to pick the school. (SIGHS)

And you did.

You have your indoctrinated,

little religious grandchildren.

You cannot make me hound you for these checks.

The cancer's back, Aidan.

I didn't want to worry you till I knew for sure.

But now you do. Now I do.

And it's pretty bad.

How bad is "pretty bad"?

It's metastasized from my lungs, spreading.

Oh, my God.

Found this place out in Malibu.