Reginald the Vampire

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"...

We can't just let anyone join our ranks.

And that vampire you made is an abomination.

Your assessment is back on the books.

3 and 1/2 days until our certain doom.

I'm a vampire.

How stupid do you think that I am?

I'm being reassigned to the Yukon?

It's everything you need to know about your assessment.

Holy motherload.

Is that what I think it is? Angel's blood.

If tonight is your last night on Earth,

then you should probably say goodbye to your friends.

What's in the bag? It's him.

It's Logan the Re-animator.

I thought you'd be fatter.

Reggie's special. He just hasn't realized it yet.

I had no idea how amazing I was.

That's his superpower.

You're gonna die.

Reg, you've gotta make me a vampire.

I think you're onto something, Todd.

I could be your secret weapon.

I got a date with the final puzzle piece.

You're late. - Sorry.

Um... here.

Look, I know there's a difference

between forgiving and forgetting.

Maybe I can't do one without the other.

But I know why you did what you did.

I know your history.

I think I can do that now--

forgive, forget.

Thank you.

Hey.

You gonna be there tomorrow?

No. - Why not?

I don't want to watch you die.

I knew it was you without even looking.

Sire bond.

Wherever you are, I know where you are.

And whatever you feel, I can feel it, too.

Shouldn't that have worn off by now?

Well, some bonds, they last longer than others.

Okay.

Tell me what I feel.

They're here.

As duly appointed representative

of the Council of the Americas,

I, LeBron James, bring with me a warrant

requiring your presence...

Wait, wait, wait. Your name is LeBron James?

At a meeting of the Council of the Americas

to determine your suitability for inclusion

in the vampire population...

Because if I were you, I'd probably go

by a nickname or something,

like Buddy or Sneaky Pete, Cheekbones.

As measured by the officially sanctioned

Council assessment, henceforth referred to as The Assessment.

Or, you know, probably just never use your last name.

Like, you know there's

a pretty famous basketball player named LeBron James?

I mean, he was born right here in Akron.

Said assessment to be held on this morning

at a time and place ordered by our glorious leader,

Logan the Impenetrable.

I knew a guy named Ted Cruz.

It made his life a living hell.

How droll.

Joke now. Die later.

Sorry. Performance anxiety.

Your spawn is very chatty.

But you have nothing to say, Maurice?

I don't blame you.

If only you'd cooperated when we came for you the first time

instead of making your little scene

and siring this abomination.

But that is a very different world

than the one we live in now.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd rather live in his world

than live without him in mine.

Sweet.

Come with us, Maurice. Blob.

Want me to tell you how you feel?

You're afraid you're not enough.

That's how you feel.

Not smart enough to get us out of this mess

and not brave enough to face the consequences if you do.

"Not enough" is a feature, not a bug.

Then why do I believe in you like I do?

Low standards disorder?

Do you think I can really pull this off?

I think this is some of the craziest shit

I've ever seen.

And I've been living the vampire life for 50 years.

But do you think I can?

Yeah, Reggie.

I do.

Thank you.

My belief in you doesn't require gratitude.

Not for that.

For saving my life.

Kinda turned you to an undead creature of the night.

Point taken.

There's definitely negatives to the lifestyle.

But... I don't know.

My life before all of this was...

just a car with spinning wheels.

Maybe this was the life I was supposed to lead.

Is that weird?

I don't know.

Weird it is pretty much your brand.

So Vampire Guard, am I right?

Yeah. Um...

Do you have to go to some kind of Vampire Guard school

or an academy?

You ever hear of the Yeoman Warders?

Yeah, right.

They guard the Tower of London and,

according to one theory, they're called the Beefeaters

because they were allowed to eat as much meat

as they wanted to when they dined with the king.

Right.

Okay, picking up the pace. I totally get it.

I mean, I'm in no rush, for obvious reasons.

But hey, wouldn't want to be late for my own-- oof.

Party.

It is my great and lasting honor

to announce the presence of Logan the Unquenchable.

Whoa.

My good vampires, regional directors,

the very best of our kind,

we are gathered here today

to evaluate and assess the fitness

of the newborn vampire you see before you.

The vampire known as Reginald Andres.

Mere decades ago...

A blink of an eye in the lives we lead,

even less for those of us fortunate enough

to measure our biography in centuries,

it was determined

that a kind of culling was required,

a way to shape and perfect our race.

And so the first Assessment was held.

And subsequent to that,

every newborn vampire participated in it

in order to guarantee our future,

and to do so according to the laws that bind and protect us.

On a personal note,

like many of you, I was made

long before The Assessment came into being.

But I have seen the benefit,

seen how our species has improved and evolved.

Once, we were a race united by our thirst,

but only our thirst.

Now, in this modern age,

we are approaching a kind of species divinity.

Hey, yo, Deacon?

Could we get this show on the road?

I got dinner plans.

Fair warning.

The Assessment is of great meaning for us.

It's as close to a holy ritual as we maintain.

Scorn it, ridicule it at your own peril,

if only because the amount of pain and consequence

you suffer after you fail

is in direct proportion

to how much you piss me off

along the way!

Look, I'm not here to be a party poop or anything,

but come on, man. We're gonna be here all week

if you don't cut it with the yakety-yak.

Very well. It is my distinct pleasure to announce

that the vampiric abilities and potential assessment,

henceforth known as The Assessment,

shall begin!

Let there be bells.

This dude puts the D in douchebag.

Hey.

Hey.

Ready?

Visualize, actualize, achieve.

Defying Gravity.

Visualize, actualize, achieve.

Um, you have to defy gravity.

I'm on it.

Okay.

Three, two, one.

5 inches.

Aw, wait, wait. Come on, come on.

I can do this. Let me do it again.

If you wish. A do-over.

Okay.

Really?

4 inches.

It's really pretty amazing when you think about it.

Fail.

The Dubious Arm-Bender.