Year of the Rabbit

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Where's the girl? I don't know what you're talking about!

We found her shoe up your chimney

and there's a lock of her hair in your top pocket.

I've never seen this before! Oh, please, make this stop...

Not even started, chief. I'll hollow you out like a fucking Toby jug!

Where's the girl? All right, I'll say anything!

Please stop...

And that's just one of the things policemen do all day.

Thank you very much, Mr Milson, for helping us.

Now, who wants to see how we fish opium out of sailors' arseholes?

London fog! Tuppence a jar!

London fog! Tuppence a jar!

Horrible murders! Fucking pictures and everything!

Oi. They're a penny each, you thieving...

God bless you, sir.

Phew! Whatever is that smell?

On the happy sauce already, Rabbit?

Trying to stop the voices in your head?

"I'm the old lady they found in three suitcases,

"why didn't you save me, Rabbit?"

"I'm the flower girl what got dismembered in the alleyway..."

Rabbit! My office, now!

Tanner, your mates reckon that hat makes you look like an arsehole.

I reckon it suits ya.

What did you say? You heard.

What the cockerdick goes through your head?

What happened? What? Shut your pipe!

You put a teacher in hospital, ya div!

This came today. Know what it is?

I don't know. A letter?

"Dear Inspector Rabbit, your visit yesterday really inspired me."

"When I grow up, I want to kick wrong'uns in the bollocks

"then string the wankers up. Signed Lily, aged nine."

Nine! Just, er, "working together for a safer city".

You've made me look a proper tit! Remember who wipes your arse!

In you come, lad.

Who the fuck is that?

I need you to play the game, Rabbit, so you're getting a partner.

Sergeant Wilbur Strauss. Delighted to meet you. I bet you are, boy.

I don't want a partner. He's from Cambridge.

Top of his year in criminology. Full disclosure... I also came bottom.

It's a brand-new course and I was the only one in the class!

You've got something on your shirt.

He even fell for that. Stick to this boy like shit to a blanket

or you're out on the cobbles.

Father, you forgot your sandwiches and, er, did I get the job?

Mabel, darling, a woman can't be police. When you adopted me,

you said you wanted the best for me. I was mainly talking about hats.

If a woman can be a nurse or a novelist,

why can't she find the stolen jewels or drown a nonce

because a trial's too good for him? Because it's never been done.

And for other socio-economic reasons.

The only opportunity for a woman in this field is strangled girl in fog.

I'm aiming higher. I'm going to be the first female copper.

Or fopper. Or lady filth or...

Bacon dolly. Femi-cod? Shut your holes!

We've not been introduced. I'm Strauss.

Fuck off. Watch your sauce-box, madam.

Now, be off with you.

Kids today! Aye.

And this one's yours. Now, skedaddle.

This is exciting. I'd only ever read about the East End in pamphlets...

"gateway to Sodom."

Ooh, a pub.

Is this our first case... The case of the pub?

Back already, Rabbit? What you having? Gin's literally blinding,

take it with a mixer. I'll have a whisky, Gwen. And your fancy pal?

He'll have the same. Why's a sewing maching hanging from your roof?

It's a pushbike, you mutton-button.

It's a talking point, makes the place nice. I bet it does, girl.

I have to say, Mr Rabbit, I'm having the most tremendous time.

You ain't cut out for this. I'd quit while you can.

Quit? You and I are working together for a safer city.

This city is a rat eating its own babies.

Babies made of shit.

And whilst it's eating its own shit babies,

it shits them out again and then it noshes 'em.

And that goes on and on

until the sun turns cold and the sea goes back up into the sky.

How come you've only got one eyebrow?

The dog chewed it off last year.

Murder! Horrible murder!

Good.

Get out the way, for health reasons.

By that I mean if you don't, I'll kill ya.

So sorry.

What's going on, fish-face?

Found her in the river. She drowned.

Not before someone shot her.

She's very beautiful. You can't say that when the bird's brown bread.

Excuse me, please. OK, what have we got?

None of your biz. Just some old docker bloke.

It's another young woman. Can't you Cockneys be a bit more original?

Stand aside, underclass wretches! Tanner of the yard is here.

Bugger off, Tanner. I've got this.

Like all those other cases he failed to solve, ladies and gentlemen,

because he was so tit-ripped on booze.

He couldn't tell his arse from a hole in the ground.

Better leave this to the real police.

All gathered here, pray silence

that I may solve... this mystery.

Annaahh!

Fuck's sake. Seconded.

That's it. The victim wore blues gloves.

That man... over there

has a blue hat.

Blue and blue.

The connection's clear.

You, sir,... are the murderer.

Hang on!

No! Wait!

They won't fall for that. Londoners are famous for their savvy.

Three cheers for Inspector Tanner! Hip, hip... Hooray!

Hip, hip... Hooray! Hlp, hip... Hooray!

Don't touch me.

My hands are tied. "Killer in blue caught by boys in the above."

The papers love it. But the wrong man's going to swing, sir!

Give me two days, I'll bring him in by his ballsack. The case is solved.

So drop it. And remember who wipes your arse.

Does he actually? No, I think it's a Northern expression.

Can you stop saying it? I'll say what I bloody like!

Now, move!

Good day, officer.

Sir Giles Linley, standing for re-election as your MP.

You've caught an ugly brute there. Where can I find your inspector?

I'm donating books to the inmates. Improves them.

What do you think for this repulsive savage?

I've got Amputation, The Cure For Masturbation

or Do Irishmen Have Souls?

The twist is they do.

He's... Illiterate? Not surprised. He probably eats with his feet.

What happened to his eyebrow? His dog chewed it off. Is that right?

Look at his criminal bone structure.

A vortex of lust and rage which, judging by the look on his face,

has damaged his brain, rendering him mute. What's he called?

I'm called Detective Inspector Rabbit.

We... We thank you for your service.

What are we doing?

If anyone asks, we're in our beds. Which one's the beautiful maiden?

You can't say shit like that about dead birds. But she's adorable.

She WAS adorable. I won't fucking tell you again.

Here we go.

Give me a hand.

Good lord, I can see her mcfuffies. Do excuse me, madam.

We've revealed her lady pantry.

Help me turn her over. Mm?

Her dumplings. I feel the devil has entered my breeches!

A second bullet hole. That's odd.

Whoever you are, step out now

or I'll smack your head so hard, they'll find it on the fucking moon!

The moon!

Uhh... Mabel, what you doing?

I'm solving this crime. Unlike you, I won't spunk it up a wall.

You have an awfully fruity mouth. I'm not the one with an erection.

They shot her twice. I said that. Checked her clothes? In my own time.

Sorry, love.

I know what that is. One of those round things for her toilet money.

A compact for make-up. A compact for make-up.

This symbol could be a clue. I doubt it. Don't mind me having it, then.

That's mine. It's evidence, now bugger off. I'm buggering nowhere.

What time's that library open, boy? Let's find out about that symbol.

If anyone's going, it's me. Just you try.

Just you try and stop me.

We didn't stop her. I know. I was mugging her off.

Of course you were! We, my boy, are off to the slums.

The what? That rancid shit-pit syphilitic crap hole

known as a-Lime-a-house. Fantastic.

Lungs! Buy a lung!

This place is extraordinary.

Does it always smell like this?

Ooh, I'll have a garden salad. No, no, it's a treat day.

I'll have jam squares. Absolutely, Mr Merrick, I'll get some pronto.

Stare all you like, it'll cost you. Merrick don't freak for free.

Sorry... Joe, can you take a shufti at something? He saved my life once.

I was set upon and nearly killed by a cruel and vicious mob.

Afterwards I said to him "Rabbit, if ever you need any help,

"come and see the elephant." But he's been pushing it, haven't you?

Nonsense. He loves it. I've travelled the world, young man.

Five stars! In the New York Times.

"If you see one hideous deformity this year..."

You've clearly done very well on it. Good living suits you, sir.

What do you make of this? It's a compact. Oh, I know, duckie.

Solid silver, worth a pretty penny. What about the symbol?

Jam squares, Mr Merrick. Oh, thank you!

Blackcurrant? What the hell have you done?

I'm terribly sorry, boys. That's quite all right. We've eaten.

Your young freaks, they don't think they have to put in the graft.

Well, you do!

Mmm. I don't know what this is.

But, er,... yes, this is theatrical!

There's only one outfit in town uses make-up this cheap.

Go here.

And Rabbit, my debt's paid.

Your debt's paid when I say it's paid.