Sister Boniface Mysteries

He's had it -- dead as the pharaohs.

Murder?

Snuffed it. Ha ha ha!

Blimey. - Cut!

Mint Imperials from Felix. - Much appreciated.

And the flowers are from production.

"Hope it's not too stiff. Love the "Oh, Do Behave" gang."

Well, that's nice.

Yes, I hope I didn't mess things up too much.

It was very convincing.

Well, that'll be Felix's doing, I'd imagine.

Yes? - He's on set right now

as their police advisor.

This one is, "Do Behave, Constable."

So he's there helping out,

making sure that the law is represented correctly

at all times.

Then the officers would seek to notify the next of kin

before canvassing for witnesses and taking statements.

Right. We're not doing any of that.

Get that back to wardrobe.

Tell them shorter, lower. Tell them hurry up.

Well, these are all essential components

of a murder investigation. - I want to entertain people,

thrill them.

Audiences don't want procedure, Constable Livingston.

They want titillation. - It is Sergeant Livingston.

And respectfully, I disagree.

Er, Sexton?

Erm, sorry.

I got the amend for today, and just wondering --

do you think my character would fall on to Bonnie Pluck Rose

like that? - Let me stop you there, Roy.

First of all, it's not your character.

They're all mine.

Sexton St. Juste productions, remember?

Not Roy Perk.

Secondly, you see here on the page?

What does it say?

Does it say he falls onto Bonnie Pluck Rose.

Yes, but -- - There you go.

Heavens.

I don't know what's worse.

This one telling me how to do my job or you.

What you want, darling? A tip.

Never work with children or animals.

Speaking of which, where is Sally?

Where is Eric? Am I the only one actually working today?

Sir?

Sir, if we could...

if we could finish the convers--

I bet you get to go to all the fab parties?

Los Angeles, "Cans."

Cannes, Peggy. Cannes.

But it's not all that exciting.

I get bored with the parties, to be honest.

I wish showbiz had nothing to do with acting.

I like the craft,

becoming someone.

Take my character.

She's just seen her first dead body, right?

Her first murder victim. What does that feel like?

The first one.

Er...

Fine!

That interfering, old dandy!

Now, now, Eric, come on. Calm down now.

Here. - I'm not doing another one

of these poxy films ever again, I promise you.

Let's just get through it in one piece.

I'm a consummate professional.

I'm not in there. I'm here.

Not like that, darling. Get over to wardrobe.

Chop, chop.

Airing my dirty laundry to the washer.

Eric -- - The old piece of work, Sexton.

I've got a good mind to knock your block off.

Problem, darling?

Anything the police can help with?

Marvellous.

Everybody over to the set. Places, please.

Now look here.

Robust Aubergine was a guest of our parish,

a VIP of international renown.

It falls to the police of Bishop's Rise

to solve his murder.

He cracked it on our turf, and you know it.

I've got Baggy Bottom's finest working on it right now.

How many officers? - Plenty.

Well, can't you give me a rough figure?

You've got one of those already. Ha ha ha!

And cut.

Here, can we go on that one again?

I think I could lend that "rough figure" gag a little bit better.

Doubt it. Besides, no one's watching it for your bon mot.

They'd rather look at hers.

For heaven's sake. Really?

Well, they need something nice to gawk at, don't you think?

If it's just you on the screen,

people are likely to burn it down.

Why am I dressed like this? - You've gone undercover.

She's not under much cover from where I'm standing.

Does this mean I'm -- I'm not doing the fall?

Of course you're still doing the fall.

That's all you're good for.

But if she's dressed like that, then --

She'll end up undressed, yes? - Beg your pardon.

Sexton, don't be vulgar. - Yeah. Come on, mate.

I like an eyeful as much as the next bloke,

but this is a no.

Can't we at least talk about this

without the audience?

So you're all revolting.

You in both senses of the word.

Fine. Everybody break for lunch.

Cast can stay and talk.

Rest of you, shoo.

I was just coming to find you.

Fancy a spot of lunch?

I already ate, and I'm about to head back.

How is Sister Boniface? - Resting up.

She was very excited about your work here, though.

Really? - Yes.

Looking forward to your influence on the finished film.

Boys in blue at their best.

What's wrong?

I think I should have another word with the director.

Okay. - I'll see you later, yeah?

Mr. St. Juste?

Look, I think we should have a proper talk

as to my responsibilities here

and just how you plan to depict the police.

Sir, we are not fools.

We are officers of keen intelligence,

diligent and smart and observant.

Murder?! - It looks that way.

Well, then there's no time to waste.

No, no, no, no. You stay where you are.

You are interfering with the recovery process.

Strictly no visitors.

But -- But it's police business.

Well, then perhaps the police would like

to handle it themselves for a change.

But we --

She...

Of course, Reverend Mother.

Apologies.

Er, wishing you a speedy recovery, Sister.

It's nettle soup. Lukewarm nettle soup.

Sorry. The walk from the kitchen took longer than expected.

Ooh!

My goodness. Dear.

No, no, no! No, no, no, no!

Please! Please! Sister, stop touching it.

Erm... erm, maybe, erm --

Maybe you could do me a small favour instead.

No luck with Sister Boniface.

She's under lock and key, more or less.

Here. Strangulation, I would say.

But there's no sign of a weapon.

This was still running when I found him.

Okay, well, let's get that developed

as quickly as possible.

Knock, knock.

Sister Boniface's idea, I take it.

She's briefed us, told us everything we need to know.

It'll be as though she was here herself.

That the victim?

I can see we're in safe hands.

Alright, better make a start on our crime scene.

Actually, there are two crime scenes.

Two?

Yeah, there's been a development.

I can tell you something.

No professional burglar did this.

You always start bottom drawer up. Saves time.

So I've heard. - Right.

Reg, we need fingerprints, fibres, forensics.

Divorce papers.

He had a wife?

But he was so obviously...

entitled to respect and dignity.

Look at who he's married to.

Interesting.

Dead?

Are you quite sure?

Yes.

And we suspect foul play.

Well, that would explain it.

We found a divorce petition in his dressing room.

Forgive me for saying,

but you didn't seem like a married couple.

It was a marriage of convenience.

Well, for him, at least.

He was keeping up appearances.

And what changed?

My appearances.

With the divorce not settled,

you'd enjoy a payout in the event of his death.

A benefit to our marriage. Finally.