JJ Villard's Fairy Tales

aah! Ugh!

rahgh!

hello, mr. Huntsman.

Good evening, snow white.

would you like to try one of my congo bars?

Well, I guess I can start my diet tomorrow.

unh!

oh, my god!

This is the best thing

I've ever eaten in my life!

It tastes almost as good as you look --

amazing.

oh, huntsman.

that little tramp!

There's no way my daughter, snow white,

makes better congo bars than me, the queen!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

mirror max, wake your dimwitted ass up!

oh, hi, queenie.

How's it going?

You want to play uno?

First one to piss their pantaloons wins.

No, I don't want to play uno.

I need you to... -

okay. Okay.

I'll play one quick round of uno.

Yippee!

yay!

Yay, you win. Now listen!

Who's the best congo bar maker of them all?

Is it me?

nyeh, nyeh, let me think!

Nnnnyyyy...

Nuluh!

Pbbbbbbbbbbbt!

It is your daughter, snow white,

who makes the best congo bars in villardia.

And she's also hotter than you.

Aaaaaaah!

Yaah!

I can't stand for this!

I know.

If I eliminate her,

then I'll be the best congo bar maker

in villardia!

so, yeah, I know a little

acai bowl place in koreatown.

-Oh, huntsman. -I don't know.

Maybe we could ride a little lime over,

grab a bite. -Huntsman!

s-so sorry, my queen.

Uh, I was just talking to your generous and --

and lovely daughter, snow white.

Have you tried her congo bars?

They are delicious.

Follow me.

Acai, lime, 7:30. See you then.

Now!

I have a little job for you.

Should be easy.

Should be quick!

That's what I'm here for.

I want you to take my daughter

for a walk in the woods.

My pleasure.

She's smart. She's funny.

She makes great congo bars.

And then, you know those

lumberjack machines?

Yeah.

You mean wood chippers?

Yes. That's it!

I want you to put her in one of those.

Just chop her up real good.

What?!

Now, do it!

Or, it'll be you

in that lumberjack machine.

Uh, anything for my queen.

good. Oh, and, uh, bring me back

a ziploc bag full of her chunks,

just to prove that you did it, okay?

Yes, my queen.

snow white: Going for a walk in the woods was such a good idea,

mr. Huntsman.

I told you, c-call me mike.

hey, do you hear that?

Sounds like a kitten meowing.

Uh, let's, uh, check it out.

a lumberjack machine?

Some poor animal is stuck inside.

I can't do it!

I can't do it!

hmm.

It's just a tape recorder making that sound.

Can you believe that, mike?

Mike?

-I just can't do it! - mike?

I love you, snow white!

-Mike? -

I -- uh, listen! Yo!

Your mom's insanely jealous

of your congo bars, and wants you dead!

You have to hide! -What?

Your moms wants you dead.

-Agh! -You got to get out of here...

- -...And never come back.

There's only one place to hide --

the dwarf resistance!

-What? -The dwarf resistance!

Get the out of here! -Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

If the queen finds out I let snow white go,

she'll put me in a dungeon, and torture me for years!

and she'll never torture me,

'cause I won't give her the pleasure!

Goodbye, snow white!

aaaaaaaah!

Holy shit!

It's snow white!

Execute her!

No! Please!

I just escaped from the evil queen.

She was trying to have me killed!

How do we know that?

She was jealous of my congo bars.

Try one.