Katherine Ryan: In Trouble

Relax.

Relax.

Whoa.

Whoa. Relax.

Relax.

Shh.

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

she's a strong, confident, black woman.

It's Katherine Ryan!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Yes, thank you.

This is so amazing, the Eventim Apollo. OMG.

I've been living in the U.K. for a very long time,

and I used to be an unwelcome surprise on a mixed bill,

and now I can see that at least a third of you

have come to see me on purpose.

I was just a little girl when I moved here,

and look at me now.

I'm full-blown Caitlyn Jenner, and it feels good.

It feels so great. I spent so long wanting to look like one of the Kardashians,

I don't even give a fuck it's the dad.

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

She is a majestic hero.

I see some of you are taking pictures.

The venue will have told you not to do that, but you can.

I did not get dressed up by fucking accident, okay?

Take a lot. Facetune them.

Try not to use the flash. Try not to use the flash, sir.

There we go. Let's just stop for you.

Thank you.

How old are you little girls?

Twenty-four. And this one?

Twenty-three! You're 23 and 24.

Oh, my gosh. I thought you were, like, little baby teenagers.

Well done. You giggle like teenagers.

Why are you acting like that?

Do you think I'm a footballer? I'm not.

Gorgeous, gorgeous.

A lot of young women really respond to my style.

Do we have any teenage girls in?

Sir, you're not on the Internet. We can see you.

- You've brought a teenager with you? - Yeah.

Like--

Like, for ransom, she's here.

Are you her? Are you her?

I'm her father.

Okay, thank fuck for that.

He's her father.

So, you brought your daughter out tonight. And how old is your teenage daughter?

- I'm 17. - You're 17! Well done.

Listen, she has her own voice. She's, like, "I can speak for myself!

I'm 17 years old!"

Good for you. So, like, a daddy-daughter night out.

Well done. What do you, mean, like... no?

Well, my mum doesn't quite get what you do sometimes.

Oh. She just very nicely told me that her mom hates everything I do.

And sure, that's fine.

That's cool, thank you.

Well, sweetheart, if we all liked the same thing,

we'd all be married to your father.

That's cool. I think it's really great that you brought your 17-year-old.

- What's your name? - Lara.

Lara. I love her great, big voice. Lara is here with her dad.

I've been on tour for a while, as I mentioned,

and a couple came up to me, and they were, like...

"Our teenage daughter really likes you,

and we're very glad that we did not bring her."

I was, like...

"All right, why didn't you bring her?"

They're, like, "Well, she's 14, and after having seen what you do,

we're very pleased we left her at home."

And I'm, like, "Well, she's sucking dick at home. But go on."

Isn't she? Lara's, like, "Yeah, yeah."

And you left Mum at home.

My daughter is here as well.

And she doesn't listen to everything, but I do use some naughty words,

and on the surface, that can sound, like, really bad.

But I don't think those kinds of words are bad.

I have a lot of powerful messages. Don't I, Lara?

That's why she's here. Yeah. I care about Lara.

Lara's my hero. Lara's the future.

And when I was your age, Lara, if someone spoke to me in a comedy show--

First of all, I wouldn't be in a comedy show.

Secondly, I'd be, like, "Meow."

Like, I had no idea.

Do we have any women in who are over the age of 30?

How dare you?

How dare you? "I know. We should've killed ourselves five years ago."

You're right.

I'm 32 years old, and I love getting older.

I think we grow in value with every day, not the other way around.

Aging just means you didn't die.

But if you have to, if you insist upon growing beyond the age of 18,

you can get away with it if you just look and act like a baby. Okay?

So, like, just talk like a baby.

Like, do this voice even though you're 45.

And shrink yourself. That's what dieting is.

We want you to be smaller so that you take up less space.

That's not your space. What if a man wants to golf in it?

Are any women in the Apollo tonight with younger men?

All of us. Look at--

Well done. Well done.

You will see women who are with younger men,

but I promise that happened by accident,

and it will not be a big age difference.

It is a mistake to think we seek it out, like it's a badge of honor.

We're not out in the clubs, like,

"Hmm. Who can I find to do everything for and teach everything to?

Ooh.

I am not busy enough."

No.

We do not have time to make an extra packed lunch every morning.

I recently went home with a 25-year-old.

Whoo!

I know. Ew. No, it was weird.

I have not been with a 25-year-old since I was-- well, 14.

But...

Accidentally, I fell in love with him, but it was over very quickly.

He said something insane. He said to me, "Katherine,

did you know Titanic was based on a true story?"

I was, like, "Get out." And that was it.

That was it.

But another thing I've learned about myself, getting older,

is that I shouldn't be in a relationship. That's not for all of us.

Do we have any single people in?

Well done. See? They're not sad.

I go on dates now, and that's okay,

but I've learned not to settle down with anyone,

because I have a tendency to settle down with very, very terrible sex-piratey men.

Like, really-- Like, the kind of dudes blind dogs bark at, you know?

You know?

Don't do this, by the way,

because you're hurting your parents if you do.

That's who suffers.

My dad is a pretty good guy. He's done nothing wrong.

But he looks at my choices, like, "What the fuck?

Did I molest her and forget?

Who's this bitch mad at?

If you figure it out, let me know."

And I believe that there are wonderful men in the world.

Give me a cheer if you're a wonderful man.

Good, good. Well done, lads.

I dated a Jewish man at the beginning of the year.

Accidentally, I fell in love with him.

And then he split up with me-- I know, with me--

simply because I'm not Jewish.

What? I genuinely did not know that religions still behaved that way.

What? I'm a blond-haired, blue-eyed, white, middle-class woman in 2016.

I am entitled to everything.

It is not okay for his people to treat me

the way my people quite enjoy treating everyone else.

He said, "My parents don't approve of you, Katherine."

Oh! He said, "We have no future. What if we were to have a baby?

I imagine you would not consent to having that baby circumcised."

And I was, like, "Why are you imagining the dicks of babies we don't have?"

But you know what? He's right. I probably wouldn't.

And that's not very North American of me.

He highlighted one of the many ways that I've changed, living among you.

Back home in North America, Jewish or not,

all the men are routinely circumcised. I checked that myself.

And here, it's just not the done thing, is it?

He said, "Well, Katherine, you could have a chance with this

if you abandoned your beliefs and your culture,

everything that you grew up with.

If you just converted and you were Jewish as well,

then maybe we could be together."

And I considered it, and I said, "Well, would that mean giving up Christmas?"

He's, like, "Yeah, Katherine, obviously it would."

And I was, like, "So, you think you got a dick better than Christmas?!

No, no, no, no.

Mate, I've seen a lot of dicks in my day.

I've seen a few Easter-level dicks, maybe.

Maybe.

I've seen a lot of Halloween dicks. You don't want to go anywhere near those.

I've not seen any Christmas dicks. Not one."

And now, through no fault of my own, I've got to walk around having...

like, a problem with Jews.

I don't want that. I'm a very progressive person.

And of course not, I don't hate all Jews.

But I hate one Jew, and that's how it starts, isn't it?

It's very disappointing.

It's sad, because I think I'm a very nice girl,

but my comedy has been described as kind of nasty.

I'm like-- They say I'm Joan Rivers, but older. And that hurts.

Because parts of her are younger.

And hey, that lady got exactly what she wanted from her final surgery:

To stop aging. So, why are we sad?

Why are we sad?

Finally, she nailed it.

Good to know.

I know what you've read about American comedian Bill Cosby.

And it's something that we talk about within the comedy community,

something certainly that I talk about as a woman.

And I understand why he's confused.

You see him going into the courtroom, accused of sexual assault charges.

And he's so confused, like: "I don't understand it.

All my friends were raping people." He doesn't know.

Because I know you're all very young, you're very gorgeous,