Lessons in Chemistry

She's here.

Hey, ladies. I'm sorry. The audience is full for today.

Please come back tomorrow.

- Baking dish? - The left holds more heat.

Live in two. I need you in the chair.

Did you get the sodium chloride?

- Of course. - Roma or San Marzano?

Roma. Thank you, James.

You never answered my question

about the Presto sponsorship. And I know how you feel about...

I will start the show with it, Walter.

Really? You're not just saying that?

Oh, good Lord. Thank you.

Cans are on the counter.

Don't forget to smile from time to time. Have a great show. Bye.

- What kind of salt did she want? - Uniodized. I went with kosher.

It's all gotta be perfect. Labels out.

It's all in the cue cards.

- Don't worry, Walter. - She's got it.

Welcome, ladies. The show's about to start.

Big smiles. Energy. Happy.

Energy. Big smiles. All of you.

And rolling.

We're live in five, four, three...

Welcome, viewers.

My name is Elizabeth Zott, and this is Supper at Six.

See this?

Presto Soups. Cooks so quick, it's done in a presto.

- That's my line. - It is a real time-saver.

And that's because it's full of chemicals. And not the good kind.

There will be a surprise indeed.

Feed enough of it to your loved ones, and they'll die off,

saving you tons of time

because you won't have to feed them anymore.

Today we will be making a fan-favorite, lasagne,

but we will be testing a new variable.

Caring for loved ones takes work.

Real work.

Anyone who tells you differently does not cook dinner

for a family of five every night.

So let's make something hearty. Let's make something delicious.

Let's make something that keeps our family alive

and gives us leftovers for a week.

Let's get started, shall we?

Miss Zott?

Good morning, Miss Frask.

I hope you'll sign up for the Little Miss Hastings Pageant.

You know, your lab is in between secretaries,

and your fellas really could use a contestant.

I am not a secretary.

Well, you know, lab techs can participate too.

It's any female support staff.

Thank you, but pageants are not my idea of fun.

What is?

Well, I have recently become fascinated by archaebacteria,

whose cell membranes are ether-link foster lipids as opposed to bacteria,

whose cell membrane are ester-link foster lipids.

I also like to cook.

Let me know if you change your mind.

I won't, but thank you.

Now, if you don't mind,

I have a lot to clean up before the chemists arrive.

I'm gonna put you down as a "maybe."

I'm not to be disturbed!

Dr. Evans? It's Dr. Donatti.

One minute.

You're not dressed.

Well, in some cultures, I would be considered overdressed.

You missed our monthly board meeting again.

Because I've been hard at work.

Everyone is anxiously awaiting your results.

And everyone will have to wait.

You will be ready to submit your proposal

for the Remsen Foundation grant, right?

Because those grants keep the lights on around here.

I can think of a few lights that would be best left off.

Now, if you and your foot will please excuse me.

You do understand that I'm your boss, right?

Fire me.

Honey, can you clean this up for me?

And bring me those beakers I asked for?

And, sweetheart, I could use another cup of joe

when you're done with that.

It'll be a few minutes. You could go to the cafeteria.

But it's not your special beaker brew.

- Zott? - Yes, Dr. Powers?

I've run it three times. What am I missing?

You're not seeing conversion of the carbonyl group into an imine group.

Right, I just...

You forgot the acid catalyst.

Thanks. I got it.

Gentlemen, can you believe this shit?

I don't get it.

What does Evans have that any of us don't have?

He's a shoo-in for the Nobel.

The Nobel Prize is overrated.

It says, "Calvin Evans is the Richard Feynman of chemistry."

Doesn't give him an excuse to hoard all our supplies.

How much ribose does one guy need?

Well, Evans better watch his back

because young Boryweitz is coming for his grant this year.

Good luck with that, buddy.

Looks like it's a rip-off of Vauquelin's research.

- I'm building on his work. - An homage.

From 1806.

Hand to God, you got a better chance of winning

the Little Miss Hastings Pageant.

- Right. - Well, that is unless.

- Zott here decides to enter. Huh, boys? - Come on, sweetie.

Was it something I said?

- So I said to Robert... - Fran now calls him Robert.

I said to Dr. Donatti that, you know,

this pageant needs to be sophisticated, needs to be elevated. It needs pizzazz.

What it needs is an open bar.

- I'm not a miracle worker. - Yes, you are.

Well, you know what? I might be.

Because, I'm excited to say that he agreed

to an evening gown category,

before talent and swimsuit, and a cash prize.

Every day. Dr. Evans and his bag of nuts.

How can any man survive on that?

And he runs.

Runs where?

He just runs to run. He's very peculiar.

And he never talks to anyone.

Hey. Donatti put a freeze on overtime. So don't stay too late, or it's my tail.

- I'm right behind you. - Okay.

Shit.

Miss Zott, I supervise over a hundred of the country's finest chemists,

who in turn generate groundbreaking work.

They use equipment worth thousands of dollars to generate said work.

And so when I hear that a lab tech is using our equipment

after hours without proper supervision, it gives me pause.

Sir, I can explain. I have my master's in chemistry from UCLA,

where I studied cellular metabolism of nucleic acids.

With all that said, I have been working in my off-hours, never on the clock,

conducting my own experiments on a bio genes is.

I am synthesizing simple, small molecules into nucleotides and nucleic acids.

My research is very promising, and I intend to submit for the Remsen.

Young lady, setting aside the fact that you're using lab equipment

without proper supervision of a chemist...

I am a chemist.

Our chemists have PhDs.

I could never put the Hastings name on the submission of a lab tech

that's proudly waving around her master's from UCLA.

- I was top of my class... - Miss Zott...

and the work will speak for itself.

You are just not smart enough.

Miss Zott, I wasn't finished.

What's this I hear about you not participating

in the Little Miss Hastings Pageant?

I wasn't aware that it was compulsory.

It is not compulsory.

It is part of the culture here.

I would suggest that you find yourself

a little more of the Hastings spirit,

if you'd like to keep your employment here.

Now you may go.

A smile once in a while wouldn't kill you.

Miss Zott.

Miss Zott?

I hear you're joining us for the pageant.

- How did you... - So glad you had a change of heart.

So I don't know if you've heard,

but there's an evening gown category this year.

And also bikinis aren't mandatory.

Feel free to wear a one-piece, if that makes you feel more comfortable.

Is now a good time for a photo?

Smile.

There she is. The thief.

I beg your pardon?

I have been through every department, interrogated dozens of chemists...

including ones from this very lab...

who said that you, Miss Zott, have a history of ruffling feathers.

And perhaps more relevant,

have an arrogant attitude of self-importance.

Have you heard yourself speak?

So you don't deny it?

What would a secretary even have to do with ribose

aside from sell it on the black market?

- I am a chemist. - And a fibber to boot.

Oh, yes. Because there's such high demand on the black market for monosaccharide!

This is very disappointing! Very... I'm disappointed.

One: My lab was unlocked last night,

so I want someone to speak to janitorial and have new locks placed on the door.

Two: I have calculated the cost of the missing ribose,

and I wanna make it clear, that will not be coming out of my budget.

Three: I want my floors sterilized.

At least one person entered without my authorization.

And with my allergies, I cannot risk any contaminants. You understand?

I'll take care of it, Dr. Evans.

And lastly, I would like the secretary responsible held accountable.

I'll have her fired.

Well, just a formal reprimand will suffice.

I'm shocked that it was one of my secretaries, honestly.

You said it was in the aminos lab?

So that's Mary Ann Rogers.

No.

Her name was Elizabeth Zott.

She's not a secretary. She's a lab tech.