Us

This programme contains some strong language

Douglas. Douglas. Douglas, I need to say something.

Douglas, I've been thinking about leaving.

I think our marriage might be over.

When you say "leaving"...? Starting again.

A new life, but not together. So divorce?

That... That's not the most important thing at the moment.

Ah, so a trial separation?

Except not a trial.

I mean breaking up.

Don't say "breaking up". 16-year-olds break up.

What you're saying is, you'd rather be alone?

We're going to be alone, Connie.

Yes, I know.

Well, tell me, tell me clearly.

I just feel that things between us might have run their course.

I don't agree.

Oh, well, if you don't agree...

We don't talk! We talk!

About the boiler, about holidays and insurance -

we don't have conversations.

So what do you want to tell me?

It's not you. Oh, don't say, "It's not you, it's me."

It's not me either, it's us.

No, it's not "us", because I don't want to leave!

I just feel...

Don't say, "I just feel, I just feel."

Say what you want. I want... change!

Right. OK, well...

...what can I do?

What do you mean?

Well, this is obviously, erm, a catalyst thing,

what-d'you-call-it, a wake-up call.

So what can I change about myself?

I don't want you to be someone else.

Because I'm quite capable of change.

You're great! I just don't think I can spend my whole life with you.

CONNIE SIGHS

I'm sorry I'm not able to be more articulate.

No, no.

That bit was quite clear.

All those years as a parent, being called Mum

until it's like my name, and then suddenly it stops.

I... I think of how empty it's going to be, every evening,

for the rest of our lives, just the two of us rattling around.

Doesn't that frighten you?

No! We wouldn't rattle, we'd do things, we'd work, we'd travel...

And then we'd come home.

I have this word in my head - "box sets".

Every time I hear it, I can feel my heart racing.

SHE SIGHS

I don't know what it is yet...

...but I need to find something else.

Great. Then... let's find it together.

Have you only stayed because of Albie? No!

We've been through a lot.

I think we've been happy.

But now...

..don't you ever think our work is done?

It was never work to me.

Well, it was for me...

..sometimes.

BIRDSONG

Do you think we could get a little sleep now?

I do feel quite relaxed.

SHE CHUCKLES

Let's try. Hmm?

CONNIE SIGHS

DOORBELL RINGS

DOG BARKS

Why do you always do this?

It's very hard to get a slot.

On a Sunday too!

If I'd known you were leaving me, I'd have pushed it to nine.

Do you want to accept the substitutes?

I don't know, Connie, do you want to accept the substitutes?

I'm sure the substitutes are fine.

Is there someone else? No! I told you...

Oh, you check the eggs?

No, I'm sure the eggs are fine. I'll check the eggs.

Yes, the eggs are fine.

So, er, who wants to do the honours?

Thanks.

Brilliant. Erm, have... have a great weekend.

Of course, we're going to have to cancel the holiday. You think so?

Well, we don't want it to be the trip of a lifetime

for all the wrong reasons, do we?

No. I can see that...

Three whole weeks is a long time to fix a smile, don't you think?

I like mine darker. I know that.

And of course we're going to lose all the deposits,

which is hundreds of pounds. Thousands, actually.

The train tickets, the hotel rooms...

Isn't it all insured?

Not against despair, no! Sh! Albie can hear you...

Clearly, I should have thought of that. I never said...

If my wife feels suffocated all of a sudden, are we covered?!

Well, if you're so concerned about the money...

Oh, Connie, do you really believe the money is my main concern here?

TOAST RATTLES

MUSIC SEEPS FROM HEADPHONES

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Afternoon!

Please don't bring food in here, it's like a petri dish.

And open the window.

Ah!

Birds have been smoking on the windowsill again, I see.

Swallows rolling their own little cigarettes.

You can't hear anything I say, can you?

Little bit of news.

Mum's leaving me.

I'm going to the dump.

Got anything for the dump?

No?

OK, fine, you stay there...

..all day.

What's up with him?

Nothing. Just fancied going to the dump - his fortress of solitude.

Cosi Fan Tutte K.588 by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

MUSIC QUIETENS, KNOCK ON GLASS

Come on. Come on.

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC RECOMMENCES

That's better.

Better e-mail those hotels, see what I can salvage...

Douglas, let's go for a walk.

Come on, come on.

Should one of us... move out or check into a hotel?

That's what you're meant to do, isn't it?

Do you want me to?

Well, I don't think that's necessary.

Not while Albie's at home.

Can you stand it until the autumn? I think so.

Look, here's the thing, though. Bear with me.

I think we should still go.

On holiday? For Albie's sake.

We're going on holiday for the sake of the kid? Why not?

You've done all that planning,

and it'd be good for you and Albie to spend some time together,

be a nice memory, before he goes to college.

And maybe if he flunks his art exam,

we could have another year of marriage.

But then maybe you can't flunk art. What is there to get wrong?

You see, this is exactly why you and I...

And when we come back, you don't even have to unpack.

You and Albie can just chuck your suitcases into the taxi.

Let's have this one last summer... as a family.

No. I'm sorry. I don't think I can.

DISTORTED RINGING

Douglas, you're late!

I came straight from the lab!

It looks like it. Cords and checks.

What is this shirt? Is it graph paper?

You look like something out of Millets' catalogue.

You're going to have to go home and change.

If I go home, I won't come back. Fine!

Oh, who knits a tie?

Honestly, Douglas, I love you, but you're a liability.

Come here.

Connie Moore. What?

Connie Moore. Connie. Who's Connie?

That's who you're sitting next to.

She's newly single, she's smart, she's funny, she's intelligent...

You promised you wouldn't do this again.

And the best thing is, she's not a snob about how people look.

No, no, I'm off. OK, too late!

Everyone... Everyone! This is my brother Douglas.

Hey!

Be nice to him, he's very shy. I'm not shy! Connie!

No. Can you just make room?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Hello. Hello!

GUESTS APPLAUD AND CHEER

So, you're a, er, scientist? Er, yeah, that's right.

An evil scientist or mad scientist? I alternate.

Oh.

I can't really talk about it.

Oh, is it a military-industrial thing.

Too dull. My sister's torn up my list.

List? Conversational gambits.

An actual written-down list?

In my head. "Where do you live? How do you know Karen?

"What do you do for a living?"

Let's skip that part. Well, now you have to tell me.

Well, it's not a living, but I trained as an artist.

I still do it, I just always feel stupid saying it.

Oh, is that watercolours or oils or...?

CHUCKLING "Watercolours and..."?

It's a bit more complicated than that, mate.

Jake's a kind of artist too. Yeah.

Trapeze artist, yeah. In a circus.

How do you join a circus?

Is it... Is it just a question of running away to it or...?

Well, I mean, do you... do you want the long version or the....

Short version. Short version. Yeah.

LAUGHTER The scientific name is

Drosophila melanogaster, aka the common fruit fly.

Oh.

Flies.

Want to move seats?