Us

Dad, did you book us into a brothel? Hello, Petersens!

Oh, Christ!

You're sure you don't want to come?

You'll have more fun without me.

COMMOTION I'd like to apologise for my son.

I have no idea why he's being so stupid.

I can't do this journey any more. It's unbearable.

I feel like the grand tour isn't quite working out, so I've gone.

Connie, I know where Albie is.

And if you see him here... We will call you.

But make sure you don't...? Tell him you are here.

It's quite normal to get lost here. I'm Freja.

So, imagine you've got two mice in a maze - Venice -

wandering around separately.

Random... One mouse could phone the other

and arrange to meet.

Unfortunately, that's not an option.

He's definitely here, Connie.

I can feel it.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

CONVIVIAL HUBBUB

It was funny, yeah. CONNIE LAUGHS

You should put that in your...

Douglas!

Hi, Dad. Mr Petersen, we meet again.

We thought you weren't coming. No, I couldn't miss the quiz.

Three-times winner. Four. Four-times winner.

How are you feeling this year? Fancy your chances?

That depends. Are there real questions this time

or just a lot of celebrity trivia?

Dad thinks if it's not in the periodic table,

it's not real knowledge. I don't think that. I just think

a few more science questions would...

- Can you hear me? - Yeah.

I can't hear you. Can you hear me?

Yeah! Good evening, everyone.

If you'd like to take your seats, please,

for this year's Oakbrook Sixth Form Quiz!

LAUGHTER

Thank you, thank you.

Best of luck.

We're giving a special prize

for the very best team name. Connie?

Oh, actually, I'm on Mike's team this year.

Really? Douglas, can I get you a beer?

Er, not before a match, Mike. You're quizzing with other people?

It's allowed, isn't it? Anyway, you weren't here, Mike asked...

You're arts and culture, I'm science and geography. That's how we win.

I'm not completely ignorant about those things.

Flags of the world?! I know my flags.

Thought we'd try something new... Your seats, please.

..spice things up. Look, it's meant to be fun, remember?

OK, has everyone got their team names?

Team names are very important this year.

We're giving a special prize

for the very best team name. Good luck, Mum. And you.

Fiver a head tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

Evening. Evening.

Time and tide wait for no man...

We need a funny team name. Oh, God.

Quizzard Of Oz. Les Quizzerables?

Can't we just be the Blue Team? Where's the fun in that?

Look, can we just, um...?

Quiztopher Wren? All right.

Sir Quiztopher Wren? Yeah.

Who's going to have the pen?

OK, everybody, here we go. The moment you've all been waiting for.

Here we go. First round. Let's dive into...

..Lakes of the World!

OK, now, here we go. Fantastic.

That's good.

Next section. Round 2 - identify which country

the following flags belong to.

Mozambique.

Which of the periodic elements have these symbols?

Potassium, iron, silver.

Fantastic! Next question.

Which country...?

Fantastic. Everyone happy? Everyone confident?

Great. Here we go again. 1986.

Round 6. Who was he?

Swedish Prime Minister. Are you sure? I...

Trust me. And now we come to our final round.

Celebrity tattoos.

HE SIGHS And we start with a tiger...

Time is up! Time is up, ladies and gentlemen.

Pens down on the table, please! Pens down on the table.

If you'll pass the papers to the team

on the table to the right of you, please, for marking.

Thank you very much.

Pretty tough, yeah? Oh, I think we're quietly confident.

You are? Yeah, we are, Mike, yeah.

Well, we'll see.

Yeah, we'll see.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, we are back in the room.

Sorry for a bit of a wait there.

It's very, very close this evening and some fantastic scores.

So, with no further ado, here are the results - in third place,

with 23 points...

..the Cranium Krusherz!

28 points. I think we've got this. How do you know?

I kept a copy of our answers. 28 points.

Congratulations to the Cranium Krusherz.

And in second place...

..with 26 points,

Sir Quiztopher Wren!

Which means that this year's winner, with 27 points, is...

Eh? 26?

..Mobiles At The Ready!

No, that's not right. No, no, no, no, no.

There's a mistake in the marking.

We got 28. They... They haven't marked us properly.

Oh, well, never mind. No, excuse me.

Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. I think we need a recount.

We... We got 28. I kept a copy and I've just checked it

and I'm pretty sure that, er... Well, I know that...

..we got 28.

Sorry? You'd... You'd like us to mark them again?

Yes. MURMURING

I'd like a recount.

Save this for another time?

You're off to bed?

Yeah, me too.

Night, Albie. See you tomorrow. DOOR CLOSES

Night.

The breakfast cake or the breakfast cheese?

Today, I think the cake.

Me too.

How was the "Accade-mia"?

Oh, actually, it's pronounced Acca-dem-ia, like the nut.

Macadamia!

Yeah. Of course.

And how was it?

Oh, I didn't go - too many tourists... like me.

The tourist's paradox.

I thought Italy would be a huge treat.

I imagined myself sitting at cafe tables

with a glass of wine and a novel.

But in every restaurant, they put me by the toilet.

Or they ask, "Will your husband be joining you?"

Hmm! Well, I certainly hope not.

In Berlin once, I went to the zoo by myself.

Christ, it was a desolate couple of hours.

Why did you?

I heard it was a great zoo, and it was.

I just felt like the animals were all laughing at me.

SHE LAUGHS Never go to a zoo by yourself.

Or the circus. Or the circus.

Cinema's OK. Theatre too.

Hmm. But karaoke not so much.

Paintballing. Bowling alley.

Bungee jumping.

SHE LAUGHS "I'm on my oooown!"

Oh. Last night I was so tired,

I ate a sandwich with my head out of the window,

so I wouldn't get any crumbs on the bed.

Congratulations, Douglas. You win the Lonely Tourist Award.

I wonder... are you busy this morning?

And you have my number? Yes, Mr Petersen.

So text me or call me, but...

Don't tell him you are here. And do you need another...?

Ready? Let's go.

And this is the Arsenale, the world-famous shipyard.

Yes.

Instead of building them one at a time,

they had teams who specialised - the hull, the rigging, the sails.

And so the idea of the production line was born.

I think maybe we have the same guidebook.

Oh, Christ! I'm an old bore!

No. No wonder I've ended up travelling alone.

So do you know about art or history?

No.

HE LAUGHS God, no.

I'm in pharmaceuticals. Administration now...

Oh! No hands-on science.

But that's what I trained in - biochemistry.

Fascinating. Not to everyone.

Well, more interesting than dentistry.

A dentist? Mm-hm.

Now, suddenly, I feel self-conscious about my teeth.

SHE LAUGHS Me too!

You know, people always want to take a peek.

They want to know if you practise what you preach.

You have very idiomatic English.

"Idiomatic" - you charmer!

He had an affair with our hygienist, which was an achievement in itself,

given that we shared the same practice.

Of course, I found out eventually and we screamed the usual remarks.

"Don't I make you happy? Interest you? Aren't I enough for you?"

In all instances, the answer is no, and so...

..they are together now in Copenhagen.

I imagine them flossing away.

Just flossing... flossing.

And how did you, er...

Cope? Yeah.

Well, to begin with, it was awful, a catastrophe.

Really, no-one wants to see their dentist cry -

tears dropping into your open mouth.

It got easier. Well, it had to.

And how did your children take it?