Ally McBeal

John.

- I-I thought you and Nelle were going to the game. - Oh, yeah.

I just have a little-a little work to do.

Wh-Why are you so wet?

Um-

It's the new look.

- What's wrong? - Um-

Nothing.

Ally.

Um-

I just met this guy. Somebody I'd never laid eyes on before. I met him at the car wash.

One of those drive-through things. And I think he worked there.

- You know, the-the-the- - The guy.

Yeah, yeah. I think he dried the cars off or something.

And anyway, we made eye contact, and-

It wasn't even flirty. And I don't even think I smiled at him.

But-But we certainly laid eyes on each other.

And it was a look like maybe we'd known each other in a-in a prior life or something.

Or-Or maybe we were waiting to meet each other in-in this life.

Has that ever happened to you?

Maybe once. I-

And then my car goes into the car wash, and-and I-

And it's dark in there, and-and the car gets hit with soap.

And-And there was this haunting feeling.

I-I-I can't really explain it. I-I-I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

And then all of a sudden...

the door opens, and-and water comes gushing in everywhere.

And I can't really see anything, and the door closes.

And I look up.

He's in the car with me.

I-I'm not even afraid.

And-And-And we're soaking wet, and we start reading each other's minds...

or-or-or I should say fantasies.

And-And we don't say a word. And we just start kissing...

without a word.

And then he opens up the door again, and he pulls me out passenger side.

And-And I think we were in the, uh, the rinse section.

It was dark. And we start pulling off each other's clothes.

And we make love...

right there inside of the car wash.

- What? - For-For all I know, he could be some criminal!

And-And-And now, I-

I know that I should feel shame or guilt...

but all I feel-

I just want to drive back there and-and-

And I know that I used the term "make love."

But it wasn't that, John. No, it-it-it was that other word.

Which word?

That vulgar verb we use to describe what two people-

That's what we were doing.

And that's what I want to do to him again.

That vulgar verb.

Ally, hi. Listen, I'm having a small dinner party next week.

I wasn't planning to invite you, but if your feelings are gonna be hurt...

I suppose I could make room.

Thank you, Ling, for being so concerned about my feelings.

- Ally, uh, problem. Need you, now. - What?

Major client. His daughter. Some crisis. Mystery.

Richard, can we talk in whole sentences?

It just helps me to follow.

Risa. This is Ally McBeal.

Whatever it is, you can tell her. She'll-She'll help you out.

- Richard! - I gotta go.

- Hi. - Hello.

I understand that there's a problem.

Yes.

For me to help, you'll need to tell me what it is.

I'm getting married on Saturday, and it's a big wedding.

And, suddenly, my minister says that...

he won't perform the ceremony and we can't use the church.

And-And there are 300 people that are coming. This is the church...

that I grew up in, and-and my father-

Oh. I need your help.

Did your minister say why he wouldn't perform the ceremony?

He didn't really have to tell me why.

Yesterday, he came over to say hello.

It was a Sunday. He's a family friend.

I was at my parents' house.

My parents weren't home. Only me... and somebody else.

Reverend Breyer let himself in...

and he saw me...

with the somebody else.

You and-

He walked in on me having sex with somebody other than my fiancé.

It was a one-nighter bachelorette kind of thing, that's all.

I'm about to settle down for the rest of my life. I just-

I'm not a promiscuous person at all, I promise you.

And that's why your minister won't give you the church?

And if it gets out why he's doing this, my fiancé...

he might call off the wedding altogether, and-

Well, I-I don't think that there's anything that you can legally do to-

There must be. Please.

Well, um, let me talk it over with my partners. Can I do that?

If you could, keep it inside these walls.

I have to save my wedding.

If I go into court, her secret's out.

You could seal the room. Do it ex parte.

No judge is gonna order a minister to perform a wedding ceremony.

- I mean, if they did that- - Elaine would be married.

- I heard that. - Maybe you could make it a contract case.

Then we get the church but not the minister. And evidently...

he's some lifelong family friend.

What kind of woman has an affair the week before her wedding?

As opposed to most women who wait till after. John, what are your thoughts?

I'm troubled. There seems to be a rash of oversexed women lately.

John!

- Is Ally having sex? - No, I am not!

Come on, Richard. If we're gonna go to court, let's go.

God. You scared me.

You really think you can make it on your own, Renee?

Do you know how hard it is to launch a law practice?

Look, if you came here to tell me that I can't-

- I'm not here to tell you that you can't. - Then why are you here?

I came to ask if you would like a partner.

- What? - I wanna practice again.

Well.

Whipper. A superior court judge.

You could have your pick of any law firm in Boston.

I know that. I pick this one.

I'd be "of counsel." Limited hours.

I don't want to be here every day, but...

I'd like to be here.

Nelle.

John, what is this-

That's something you'd say to a horse instead of "giddyap."

And the hip wiggle, it-

it bugs me.

- I was saying hello. - With this?

John, we're a couple.

You don't say hi like a sophomore at junior prom.

Oh-

Nelle, I don't even have to go anymore.

I can't order a minister to perform a ceremony.

Your Honor, money was paid to reserve the church.

- She can get a refund. - Can you imagine the emotional distress?

- The wedding is in two days. - I don't think your client...

should be in here arguing emotional distress.

- What she did was immoral. - Your Honor.

- May I be heard? - I was hoping it wouldn't come to that.

It's unreasonable for this minister, or any member of the clergy...

to demand morality from a parishioner.

The church makes its money off the threat of hell.

If people weren't out there committing sins, they wouldn't be running to church...

seeking forgiveness and throwing money in the coffers.

I should also like to point out, nobody frowns on a man when he slips at a bachelor party.

The ministers are usually right there slipping with them.

What I object to is the double standard.

Why is it okay for men to gather that last little rosebud, but not for women?

This is the highest form of gender discrimination, and I won't stand for it!

Women love sex.

They love to think it, dream and, uh, talk about it...

so long as they retain the right to sue you after.

- That's-That's all. - Mr. Fish.

I am not going to order a minister to perform a wedding ceremony.

You're a gender bigot, Judge.

I'd like you to walk a mile in her diaphragm.

- Richard! - I was in a zone. Was I not in a zone?

- So, now what? - I'm gonna have to tell my father.

And Joel. He's gonna leave me. I am not a promiscuous person.

I swear to you, I'm not. I've never done anything like this before.

Look, our only appeal is to your minister.

He won't budge.

Well, let me think on it some.

We'll go see him this afternoon.

- I was in a zone. - Good for you.

- - Ally.

Can I talk to you a second?

Since you were so candid with me the other day-

- Yes, which you almost spilled to everybody this morning. - Well, I'm sorry.

- I told you that in confidence. - It was just a coincidence.

You representing a woman being so unconscionably promiscuous...

just after you yourself had-

That's-Never mind.

What's your problem, John?

Last week, when I went to Detroit-the Roberts deposition-

I called Nelle from my hotel room...

and she wanted to have ph-ph-phone sex.

Phone sex?

And I couldn't. Well, I mean, I'm not even sure I know what that is.

But, uh, since then...

Nelle and I, uh, we just-

- I-I can't achieve much of a rhythm. - Well, uh-

Well, have you talked to her about this?

No, no, no. Richard says that communication is the death knell of any relationship.

- Oh, well, of course. - There is another problem.