The White Lotus

Welcome to the White Lotus. Happy to be here.

We just got married the day before yesterday.

Sounds like you scored. He's super rich.

Well, his family is wealthy.

I think you put us in the wrong room.

Maybe I should call my mother?

Why do you keep looking at your dick?

I'm looking at my balls.

Are they bigger? I haven't seen them in a while.

It's cancer. We have not gotten the results.

Nicole, it's the doctor.

She can't have a baby the first day on the job!

Did you think that guy was hot?

What guy?

Fuck!

Does this suck?

Are you worried we're gonna get bored?

No.

I wish we had drugs.

I know.

I have weed.

Holy shit. It's not very much.

I don't have anything to smoke it with, though.

Oh, wait.

What am I talking about?

I threw it in last minute.

Fucking legend.

Is your mom gonna freak? Yeah, totally.

Do you wanna do a shotgun?

Yes.

We're gonna get fat.

This shit makes everything delicious.

Oh, shit. I have Addies if you wanna be skinny tweakers.

I don't like taking 'em, though, 'cause then I can't sleep

and I get all jittery. Oh, well, I...

I brought Ambien,

uh, Xanax, and a few Klonopin. But we can't use it all

'cause I need them for my panic attacks.

Holy shit.

I totally forgot that I stashed some ketamine in here, Paula.

We're so stacked.

Hawaiian K-hole.

I love it when you whisper.

Do you wanna do some ASMR?

Yeah!

Yeah! Oh, thank God.

The fuck?

Everything's fine.

Your dad just found out he doesn't have cancer.

What? Is something on fire?

No, uh, we're just doing witchcraft.

Making offerings to Hecate.

Oh.

Well, isn't it great news about your dad?

He was convinced he's dying, but he's gonna live.

Okay, great.

Can you guys go back to your spaces now?

Okay. Night.

Honey, the kids are so happy.

I just told them, and they're thrilled.

Can I get a hit?

No.

I'm telling Mom

that you're doing bong rips in the room, then.

Don't be a little bitch.

Snitches get stitches.

Where were we?

So, what's going on? How's Lani?

Who's Lani?

Wait. Are you serious?

The trainee that had a baby in your office.

Yeah. She's, um...

She's at the hospital. I think she's okay.

How's the baby?

Well, if it had died, I think I would've heard.

Are... Are you okay?

I was criticizing her all day, and she was in fucking labor.

Last night, I wanted a drink so fucking bad.

Uh-uh. Listen, you are five years sober.

You don't wanna mess with that.

Yeah, but what if I just can't fucking do this anymore?

You're gonna get it together. Okay?

You still got some gas in the tank, right?

Aloha.

This is Mr. Ferrer, in the Bredford suite.

Yes, Mr. Ferrer, how can I help you?

The treble on my TV is too high.

Just go.

I need it removed from the sound bar.

Uh-huh.

Girls.

Let's get going. You don't wanna miss breakfast.

Mom, you can't just open the doors.

Why not? Paula's an HSP.

What is that?

Highly sensitive person.

That's not real.

Mom, it's a clinical diagnosis.

Really? Who's her physician? Lena Dunham?

It's real.

Yeah, you could inflame my Morgellons.

We don't want that. Sorry, Paula.

Next time I'll knock.

Morning, ladies. Oh, good, honey.

Let's get breakfast. Okay.

What the hell?

Quinn, why are you on the floor?

There's no air in here.

Olivia. What?

Your brother is stroking out in the kitchen.

What? Dad, what the hell are you doing?

You're so beautiful. Ugh.

You're so smart.

Don't you think?

Yeah. Yeah.

Guys! Ugh, this is...

Is that a water bong?

Hey, did you guys bring pot on the plane?

We found it on the beach. It's prescription.

Yeah, what-- what are you, opening a Mexican pharmacy?

It's prescription.

They were partying all night and making weird lesbian noises.

Ugh. We weren't being lesbians, Dad.

Yeah, we were being sea hags.

I think this might be better over here.

Uh, okay. Hey, sweetie.

I thought I had cancer, but I don't.

Yeah. I just have an abnormal reaction to a virus.

That's great.

Yeah! So I have a-- like a new lease on life.

You're not getting rid of me yet, kid.

Why'd you think you had cancer?

Well, if you really wanna know, Paula,

my testicles are swollen.

Swole balls?

Really? Yeah.

Did they biopsy your balls, Dad?

No, just an MRI. Are they still big?

Have they deflated yet?

Not yet. So if it's a virus,

are you contagious?

If we caught it what would happen to us?

Will our clits explode?

That's a nauseating image, Olivia.

Honey, what are you doing? I'm cleaning up.

No, you're rearranging the hotel room.

No, I'm improving our space.

Stop moving furniture, Nic.

We're here for a week. I need nice feng shui.

Dad, she's having another manic episode.

Oh, good.

Okay. Let's go guys, let's go to breakfast.

Quinn, get your clothes on. Mom, it's vacation!

It's a breakfast buffet in Hawaii!

It shouldn't be a stressful situation!

Does he have to slam every door?

What? Love ya, bud.

Hey.

Buffet is decent.

What is it?

I just got an offer to do a piece.

Ah, you're on your honeymoon. Fuck that.

Yeah.

Does it sound good?

Oh, it's, um, about a YouTube influencer

who sponsored a Get Out The Vote campaign.

And then he took the five winners

to Burning Man in a-- an electric RV

that can actually hover above the ground.

What? Fuck that.

Yeah.

But he got 80,000 teenagers to register to vote.

What are they gonna pay you?

A few hundred dollars.

No way. Tell 'em no.

Well... Thank you.

I can't say no. If I keep saying no,

then they're-- they're not gonna come to me anymore.

Like, if I want assignments, then I--

I need to stay in the mix.

Yeah, but what? You're on your honeymoon.

You're gonna hole up in the hotel room,

just write some disposable garbage?

It's not garbage.

Yeah, fine, but it's like--

it's like so many of the assignments they give you.

It's just clickbait gussied up as some, like,

high-minded trendy woke bullshit.

Plus, what does it matter if they stop calling? You don't need the money.

Yeah, but I spent years of my life

building these relationships.

Look...

You did those jobs for dough. Right?

'Cause you needed the work. And...

I don't know, I hate to, like, blow your mind,

but your situation has changed.

Like, you don't need to do anything anymore.

Now you just do what you wanna do.

And whatever that is.

Well, that's very generous of you.