Wristcutters: A Love Story (Pizzeria Kamikaze)

I think she cried at my funeral.

I don't mean to brag about it or anything,

but I'm pretty sure she did.

Sometimes I can picture her talking about me

to some guy she feels really close to.

You're never going to see him again, you know?

How they lowered me into the grave

all pathetic and shriveled up,

like a melted chocolate bar or something.

About how we never actually got a chance.

Then the guy fucks her real nice...

a fuck that's all about making her feel better.

Soon after I killed myself,

i found a job here at kamikaze pizza.

It's not a great job, but it'll do for a while.

The manager was cool enough

to hook me up with a place to live, too,

with this Austrian guy named Erik.

You did it again, zia.

Did what?

Don't play dumb. You promised.

If you're going to live in this apartment,

you have to sit while you piss.

That. I'm sorry. I forgot.

How in the world you forget something like that?

Sit, sit, sit.

Who could think of a better punishment, really?

Everything's the same here. It's just a little worse.

I've thought about suicide again,

but I haven't tried it.

I didn't want to end up

in a bigger shit hole than this one.

And welcome to...

Yeah, I was missing desiree.

I even had a feeling that this whole suicide thing

just made me miss her and love her more.

But... Who knows?

Maybe you just need a drink.

hi.

Listen, my friend Rachel and I,

we play this game

where we try to figure out how people off themselves.

We were just guessing about you.

How'd you do it?

three points for me!

That's an extremely rude question to ask.

Precisely.

That's what the game's all about.

I see. What about you?

Me?

No, no, no, no, no. Look at him.

He can't stop burping. It's definitely drowning.

What's the difference?

No, I'm telling you, look at the bluish face.

It's got to be gas.

Go over and ask him.

No. I don't know about this one.

He seems ill-humored. No, no, you got to...

why don't you try it with me?

Do you know this guy?

I'll bet you girls a beer you won't guess.

Tania, look who's here.

Ooh. We'll be right back.

Right back.

I will tell you something.

Whenever a chick says "I'll be right back,"

write them off, man.

They always end up leaving with some retarded big-Joe guy.

So what was it?

What was what?

How did you, you know, off yourself?

That.

You guys suck!

Suck big time!

Get off the stage!

Fuck it all!

Jesus! Go home, man!

Boo!

You offed with the guitar?

Sure, I did.

On stage, man.

It was wild.

Iggy pop almost came to see that gig.

No way.

It's true.

I live with my parents and my kid brother kostya.

You're fucking with me.

I'm not fucking with you.

I've never heard of a whole family here before.

Mom...

Offed because she was missing Russia a lot.

And my father, he just didn't feel like going on without her.

But what really did it for him

was my little brother turning out to be gay.

And your kid brother?

Kostya? Kostya.

I guess he had it in his genes, man.

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard, man.

When, kostya came here,

my father... a man who wouldn't cry...

he dropped 10-pound sledgehammer on his foot.

Hugged kid, though, and cried like baby. No shit.

Wow.

We have to kill those germs.

For borscht... We have a saying in Russia.

How much you eat, that's how old you are.

My grandpa, before he'd hire anybody,

he'd feed them a free meal.

Those who ate the most... whoa.

That's the ones he hired, 'cause...

Those were the best workers.

Are you trying to hire me or something?

How about doing the dishes after dinner?

Kostya, no.

You know, zia, dishwashing was Eugene's first job in America.

No way.

I did a lot of shit.

Last job I had before I offed was waiting tables.

I thought it was the band thing.

I had to eat, too.

You know, I wish we were there for Eugene.

You see, zia, all of us, we were always together.

First in Russia, then in America, now here.

When Ivan and I came here and left our boys alone, they just couldn't make...

mom, that's all over now.

Yeah.

Where are you from, zia?

New Jersey.

What about your parents?

It's... it's a long story.

It's not... basically, at the end,

I hadn't talk to them in a while. Zia, it's okay.

They hadn't talked to each other. That's a shame.

It is, yeah.

Nyet.

Not every family is lucky like we are.

That's true.

But all of us being together...

Na zdorove.

Na zdorove.

You know,

I'd be here a long time ago if it weren't for Eugene.

Yeah? How come?

I was 10.

We had these soccer finals.

I was the goalie for my school.

Eugene!

Don't you hear I'm jamming?

How is it possible for the better team to lose?

We didn't deserve to!

The ball just wouldn't get in!

And they won it in the finals!

So what's the point of living

when life is so unfair and everything?

I'm just telling you this because you're the smartest person I know.

If you don't give me one good reason to keep living

and tell me what's the meaning of life,

I'm gonna do this.

Step down from the table.

No. First tell me.

Step down from the table, and I'll tell you.

He just smacked you?

Yeah.

I don't exactly know what he was trying to tell me when he did it,

but it worked fine up until a couple months ago.

You know, when I see you guys like this,

it kind of makes me miss my parents,

even though most of the time

they just kind of freaked me out.

You know,

why didn't we move in together earlier?

'Cause we didn't know it'd be this fun.

Yeah.

God, I love those things.

These what? These?

Who? Ophelia?

Desiree.

Whatever. An ex-girlfriend from an ex-life.

Listen, tonight when we go out, man, you got to promise...

no, no, no. Eugene, I'm not going out tonight

or any other night.

What? It just makes me depressed.

So what are you going to do? Kill yourself?

I don't know. Maybe.

As if anything would make you happy.

I love you.

I love you. You do?

Did you finish my cottage cheese?

Zia, did you finish my cottage cheese?

Calm down, Erik. I'll buy you some more cottage cheese.

No. That's not the point.

I was planning on having some right now.

Don't you have a plan b or something?

Zia, you do it all the time!

All right! All right!

I'll go get some more cottage cheese.

Zia?

I was hoping we'd run into each other sooner or later.

Brian, what are you doing here?

Same as everyone else. Same as everyone else.