After Life

Be strong.

Be nice to your friends.

You always love it when you do a nice thing, don't you?

I mean... you know, admittedly,

it's usually to apologize for having said something awful, but...

Well, not awful, but too honest.

Not always the best policy.

You want your breakfast?

- Yeah? -

Come on, then.

- All right? - Yeah.

That's from last night.

And that's the last one in the house, so...

Got to sort myself out. Get better.

What we doing today?

- "Tambury's Oldest Woman." - Right. How old is she?

Hundred. She's got a telegram from the Queen.

- Are you all right? - Huh? Yeah.

Just... feeling a bit low.

- Come on, mate. You were doing so well. - Just feeling sorry for myself.

And guilty about that.

I meet people every day with worse lives than me,

and they get on with it.

I'm gonna try and be more zen.

I'm not going to let cunts wind me up.

Is that a Buddha quote?

Exactly.

How's it going with the nurse?

Oh, um...

We're just friends, so...

- Oh. - No, it's fine.

She said I wasn't over Lisa.

She's right.

Well, don't miss the boat. She won't wait forever.

I still miss Lisa.

All the time.

But she wouldn't want me to, not like this. Not in this much pain.

I'm...

getting a bit better every day.

Come on.

How did you feel when you got the telegram?

What?

How did you feel when you got the telegram from the Queen?

Same as I feel every other day.

Dreadful. In pain. Wishing I hadn't lived through the night.

The Queen, though?

Some butler sent this.

What advice would you give to someone to have a long life like yours?

Don't.

It's fucking awful.

It hurts just to be alive.

Here's my typical month:

first week, diarrhea.

The next three weeks?

I can't shit at all!

You must've seen a lot, though? A hundred years.

I was born in Tambury. I'll die in Tambury - very soon, I hope.

I've seen fuck-all!

I may as well have been a tree.

What do your family think of this?

I haven't got a family, they all died.

Right... Your friends here, though?

They're not friends.

They're cunts.

All of them.

I hate every single one of them.

- - And when I outlive one of them,

they bring a new cunt in to take their place.

Cunts!

- Good. Take a picture. - Yeah!

Er, smile.

- Bollocks. -

Great.

- -

- You all right? - Hey. Is it all right if I...?

Just a mad rush getting out of the house this morning, you know.

I know you've been sleeping here.

Right.

Look, I'm shacked up with June now,

so my flat is just sitting there empty.

And it's council, so I don't want to give that up.

Well, you're welcome to stay there as long as you need.

That means a lot. Thanks, Lenny.

What happened, anyway?

I don't think anything happened, like, specific.

I think she just needed a moment to take a deep breath and...

figure it all out, and, uh, yeah...

I'm giving her that moment.

- A favor for a favor? - Mm-hmm.

Getting a bit of pressure from June to get her kid some work experience.

Uh... um, we can't afford it.

- I'm sorry. - No, just work experience, no money.

She just wants him out of the house, I think.

Right.

Uh...

Yes, of course.

- Great. - Yeah.

I'll tell June. Thanks, Matt.

Thank you, Lenny, yeah.

Hiya.

- Hi. - You busy?

No, come in.

Sorry to hear about your marriage ending and all that.

Thanks, yeah.

You're a very lovely man, though.

- Sorry, what...? - Kind. Intelligent.

Smart.

'Andsome.

Perfect.

Thanks.

We've kept this relationship completely professional until now,

and I appreciate that,

but I just want you to know that if you ever did make a move, I...

A move?

Yeah, you know.

I've always liked you.

So, you know, if ever you wanted to, um...

meet up...

outside of work...

you know, for some fun?

Then... I'm up for it.

Are you?

See you later.

Don't sit in my chair.

You all right?

Kath just said she likes me.

Good.

- No, like, she fancies me. -

What, are you 13?

It's awkward.

Don't worry about it.

All right.

What about you, you OK?

Yeah, I'm just trying to be more zen.

Wow... OK.

Um... Well, I tell you what,

you should come to the meditation class I go to after work.

Every Tuesday.

It's a bit of yoga,

a bit of... Don't shake your head, you haven't heard what it is yet.

- Yoga, a bit of philosophy... - Mm.

- Which you like, don't you? - Yeah.

Right. So, what do you think?

- Don't just... - No.

Come on, please?

I'm having a shit time as well, OK?

I'm alone. I'm sleeping on a floor.

That's zen.

- Uh... - Like Mr. Miyagi. They love a floor.

"They"? You...

Right.

- Please? - Oh, for fuck's sake.

All right.

- Thank you. - Is that it?

Yeah. Yes, that's...

- fine. - Good.

Don't tell anyone about... Kath.

I'd already forgotten that.

- Perfect. - All right?

- Yeah, good. I'm... Yeah. - Good.

Don't tell anyone?

See, all respectable again.

- Had a bit of bed head in the back there. - Hiya.

- Hi. - Hi, Dad.

I, uh... just interviewed a hundred-year-old woman.

- Oh, yeah? - Funny.

And, uh...

Lenny asked me how it was going with the nurse.

I said, uh... we're just friends 'cause...

you'd said I wasn't over... Lisa.

And did you say you agreed?

Yeah, course. Yeah.

What did he say?

He said I shouldn't wait around forever or I'll miss the boat.

Mm...

So...

Have you not told him my name?

What do you mean?

He said, "How's it going with the nurse?"