Mark Normand: Soup to Nuts

This is getting off the rails here. What's that now?

- Italian. - Italians?

What are you doing here? You should be hitting your wife.

All right. What's that over there?

- Epstein! - Epstein. I've been to the island.

Um...

I was 14. I got to meet Bill Gates.

Ah.

You know, Ghislaine, she got 20 years. R. Kelly got 30, you know.

She's gotta be thinking, "Thank God I didn't pee on those kids."

- How big is your cock? - How big's my cock?

I don't know, ask your mom.

But, uh...

- Hello? - Hey, Mark, it's Seinfeld.

I'm just kidding. Where the hell are you? You're late.

I'm coming right now.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Kevin Hart!

All right. Here we go.

We got it. All right. Yeah.

Come on.

Here we go. Comedy, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, we're really doing it, folks.

Good to be here. Thanks for coming out.

You guys can put 'em back in this town, you know.

Yeah.

I drink too much too. I gotta cut back.

You know, they say two and a half million people die

every year from alcohol?

Which is sad, but think about how many people it produces.

Gotta be like three-to-one, you know?

If my parents didn't drink, I might not be here.

I'm definitely gonna name my kids after the substance that got them conceived.

"This is my daughter, Tequila. This is my son, Jäger."

"What about that kid hugging your leg?"

"Ha! That's Molly."

Man, I was hungover last week. Couldn't get out of bed.

You ever been so hungover,

you see what you're gonna be like as an old person?

When you're real hungover, you turn into a senior citizen.

You wake up, you don't know how you got there.

Your body hurts, you're weak, you're shaking, you're popping pills.

Someone's like, "Where are your friends?" You're like, "I lost 'em all."

Your buddies talk about you like you're old.

"We took him out last night. He shit himself."

"He made a scene, he fell."

"He blamed everything on China."

When I was in college, I got a DUI. I had to volunteer at an old folks' home.

They were 98, I was hungover. We were exactly the same.

Both shuffling down the hallway in our pajamas.

Some old lady's like, "When's the pain gonna end?"

I'm like, "I know, right?"

She's like, "They took away my license." I'm like, "Same here."

She's like, "I got an STD in this place." I was like, "Yeah. My bad."

That's drinking for you. It's fun, but it'll get you into trouble.

My friend got drunk one night, blacked out,

hooked up with somebody, got herpes.

Yeah. So he quit drinking.

Kept the herpes, but...

But booze was our whole relationship.

Now every time we hang out he wants to do activities.

Horseback riding, canoeing, cycling.

I'm like, "Just 'cause you have herpes

doesn't mean we have to live out the commercial."

He's like, "You don't get it. I got side effects."

"I got suicidal thoughts, insomnia, depression."

I was like, "Shit, maybe I have herpes."

When I was younger,

everybody smoked cigarettes when they drank. That's over.

Anybody still rippin' butts?

Hey, all right, we got a couple. You guys are rare now.

When I was a kid, everybody smoked. My mom, my grandmother.

Now smoking's kinda shameful.

Weed used to be a drug, used to put you in jail.

Now weed got its medical degree and turned its life around.

Those two completely traded places.

You wanna smoke a cigarette now, you gotta go behind a dumpster.

People are like, "What are you doing?" You're like, "Uh, paying a hooker."

"I'm not smoking, I'll tell you that right now."

On the flip side, you can pop an edible at noon.

"Hey, I have anxiety. Whoa."

Those two flipped.

If my mom had caught me smoking weed, she'd have sent me to boarding school.

Now your mom finds your weed, she's like, "Sativa? What a pussy."

Weed's everywhere now. It's borderline healthy.

How do you punish a kid for smoking weed these days?

I got caught smoking cigarettes. My dad made me smoke the whole pack.

It was hell. What do you do with a kid with weed now?

"We found a roach in your room. You gotta smoke this whole eighth."

He'd be like, "Well, put on The Office, 'cause..."

"...we're going in."

I was high the other day, walking round New York.

I saw a blind guy

being walked into traffic by his seeing-eye dog.

I stepped in. "Whoa, buddy, can I give you a hand?"

He goes, "I don't need your charity, you piece of shit."

I was like, "Hey, blind guy."

"I'm over here."

Also, can you afford to be a prick? You're pretty vulnerable.

I could just nut-check you. You'd never see it coming.

I was fascinated with this mean blind guy. I'm watching him with his seeing-eye dog.

I thought, you know what? Who picks up his shit?

The blind guy's not doing it.

This might be the best life hack of all time. I'm gonna steal that.

Next time I walk my dog, I'm not bringing plastic bags.

I'm bringing some sunglasses and a wiggly stick, right?

My dog takes a crap, some guy's like, "'Scuse me, sir."

I'm like, "I've never seen a sunset."

"Must be nice."

It's too expensive where I live. Everybody's got nine roommates.

I used to live with a gay guy. Any gay guys here?

Hey, all right.

Good to have you.

Thanks for coming out.

Um, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Yeah. My gay roommate was great. He was always on the prowl.

That's what's gotta be nice about being gay.

You like dick, and you have one. Hmm.

That's pretty good.

I like vagina. You know how much work it was to get vagina?

You gotta go out and tell a story and lie.

But a gay guy's like, "Man, I want some dick tonight."

"Ah, I struck out."

"What do we have here?"

"Hey, things are looking up!"

That's why I never understood homophobic guys.

You know, "How could a man ever suck a dick?"

I'm like, "I've tried, it's just not long enough."

I've done a ton of gay shit to me, right?

Every guy in here is super gay for their dick, right?

Sir, you've given a million hand jobs to one dick, you know?

'Cause dicks are like kids.

You like your own, but the other ones are weird.

Men even treat their dicks like kids.

We wash it, we take care of it, we name it.

We go, "You wanna see a photo?" People go, "No, thank you."

The only difference is, you beat your kid at the mall,

nobody stops you.

I grew up in Louisiana. A lot of homophobia.

I grew up with a guy who hated gay people.

He was obsessed with gay guys taking the rainbow.

That was his big beef.

"Gay guys took the rainbow."

That might be the gayest complaint I've ever heard in my entire life.

Took the rainbow? They just made it their flag.

And we all know, God hates flags.

But...

A better argument would be mentally challenged people

taking the word "special."

That's a better argument. That word's changed a lot over the years.

Special ed, special needs, Special Olympics. It's confusing now.

I go to a restaurant, "Wanna hear the specials?"

I'm like, "What the fuck you guys cooking?"

"What the hell's going on in that kitchen, huh?"

Whatever it is, I'm sure it's slow-cooked.

But either way, I don't know.

Mm, mm, mm.

But, you know...

These are weird times we're living in.

We're hung up on sexual orientation these days.

Like transgender, what do you think?

It's a tough one. Yeah.

It's a hot button issue. People get worked up.

On the news, "Gender neutral bathrooms. Should be a man and a woman."

"I don't wanna shit next to trans person."

Whoa, dude. I don't wanna shit next to anybody, okay?

I've never thought about the type of person I'm shitting next to.

Who's got time to decipher someone's background

when you gotta take a dump?

If I get diarrhea at a restaurant, I run to the bathroom.

I'm not like, "Oh no, a Puerto Rican."

"Agh!"

"I can't take a BM next to a PR. What the hell?"

I agree there should be two bathrooms, not divided by gender.

I think you should divide it by pissing and shitting. Hmm.

I don't care who I'm shitting next to as long as they're also shitting, right?

But if I walk into the shit room and see a trans person piss,

I'm gonna go, "Hey, you'd better transition to a shit right now."

"You're in the wrong room, sister."

"Brother. Whatever."

But there's a big debate these days.

"Are biological women the same as trans women?"

"Are the different? The same? Boopity boop."

I think it's like Coke and Pepsi.

Always that one guy, "I love Coke, but I hate Pepsi."

"All I got's Pepsi." "I hate that shit."

Hand him a Pepsi, "Here's a Coke." He goes, "This is pretty good."

I'm like, "Well, you just fucked a trans person."

Yeah, it's all fluid, right?

There'll always be that guy who goes, "Some people have no gender."

Yeah, that's Coke Zero.

But what the hell do I know?

I grew up in the '90s. It was like, "I don't see color."

"We're all the same. Treat everybody equally."

Now, we're obsessed with everyone's differences.

You flip through HBO Max, it's all these categories.

"Trans Stories."