Tapeworm

Do you have a washroom?

Yes, check over there.

Occupied.

How long?

Long.

Fuck.

Please continue.

Please continue.

There's blood in my stool.

Unbelievable.

Did you even hear what I just said?

I'm dying.

You'll be fine.

Why do you hate me?

So, me and you sitting inside a restaurant.

Huge four men are trimming tree.

Couple people around us.

All of a sudden hundred,

strange cameras,

horses, donkeys, straw,

manure around.

What the heck is going on?

Can I top up your coffee?

Yeah, sure.

Please.

Thank you.

Are you ready to order?

Yeah, scrambled eggs.

Toast with that?

Yeah, brown toast.

And for yourself?

I'm okay, thank you.

Okay, can I have this.

Here you go.

Hi everyone.

It's great to be here.

I'm single right now,

but I've actually been texting with a guy recently

and he texted me the other day

that he's getting a new library card.

So things are getting pretty hot and heavy.

Looking forward to that.

I have depression and in addition to meds and working out

I also like to do self-help things

and I recently started listening to an audio book version

of Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now".

Are there any Tolle heads out there?

Okay.

And I'm enjoying it,

but I'm having a bit of a hard time grasping the concepts.

This wasn't helped by the fact that

I was listening to it on shuffle,

for three hours.

I was going through a bit of a rough patch the other day,

and I was talking to my mom about it

and she thought maybe it was due to lack of vitamin D.

So she looked at me very seriously in my eyes and said,

"Honey, every day you've got to get that D."

She was talking about vitamin D,

but I imagined it as in D as in dick.

So I've been trying.

It's been kind of hard.

Hello.

No one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Hi mom, it's me.

I just got back from LA.

It was so fun.

I had the best time.

I don't know, I just feel so at home when I'm there.

I don't know what it is.

Something about the air, the sun and the surf.

I don't know.

I hope you're having a good trip.

I honestly don't even know what time it is there,

but I just got home.

I had a show it went really, really awesome.

It was so cool.

There was a lot of people there, which was so awesome.

I even tried that new bit that I was telling you about.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, mom.

I'm doing okay, I'm just, it's hard.

I hope...

I'm good, I'm doing good.

Everything's okay.

Talk to you soon.

Bye.

Tyler come help me.

In a bit.

Now.

Nope.

Get away from me.

I'll do it all myself like I always do.

I said I would do it,

just later.

There.

Hi, Pizza Heaven.

How may I take your order?

Hi, I'd like to order a pizza for delivery.

What's your phone number?

Phone number is

204-218-0639

Okay, what's your address?

Address is Jack...

14, Jack Hawthorne Bay.

Could you spell that for me please?

So that's Jack is spelled Jack

and then Hawthorne is H as in hotel,

A as in alpha, w as in whiskey, T as in tango,

H as in hotel, O as in Oscar, R as in Romeo.

What's up man, 1475.

Card?

Yes sir.

Thanks man.

How's your day going?

Pretty good.

Just hanging in there, how about you?

Yeah, it's working out.

Two seconds.

Okay, all yours.

Have a good one.

Nice day.

Babe.

Hey.

Look what I got.

Nice.

Where'd you get it?

The store.

It's 20% off, aye.

Sweet.

Where do you think this should go?

No, not there.

No?

No.

Above the bed?

That's better.

This place is moldy.

You get a picture of me?

Yeah.

Did he post it?

Yeah, it's good.

I think this place has bed bugs.

My ex, Eric, do you remember him?

Yeah.

When he was in high school,

his best friend got kicked out of his parents' place,

and he had these two large suitcases

and they smelled really bad.

And he brought them to Eric's place when he moved in.

So then Eric and his parents got bedbugs from this guy

that they were just trying to help.

Good, fuck that Eric guy.

Do you love me?

No.

Do you love me?

No.

That's harsh.

Will you come to my funeral when I die?

Yeah.

Would you come if it was far away?

Like how far?

Far, you have to come by plane.

More coffee?

Something is very wrong with me.

Shut up.

Shut up, fuck shut up.

You shut up.

Gigi, stop crying.

Oh my God, shut up.

Shut up!

Gigi, stop crying.

Gigi, stop crying.

Gigi, stop crying.

Gigi, please stop crying.

Shut up!

Shut up!

Gigi, stop crying.

Hi, everybody.

It's really great to be here.

I'm doing well.

I'm almost 30 and I had to set my alarm

to wake up at 11:45 today.

So I'm doing really good, things are okay.

I work as a server and I was at work the other day,

and I went up to a table to take their order

and this man just put his hand right in my face.

Although I didn't appreciate the gesture,

it did let me know that he wasn't ready to order.

It also let me know that I could go fuck myself,

which I did

just right afterwards.

Something else that I did at work the other day

when I was serving,

I'm always kind of surprised

at the stuff that will come out of my mouth,

and I just very confidently went up to a table,

I put my hands on my hips and I said,

"Are you guys ready to rock?"

That was my way of asking if they were ready to order.