Mad About You

What could you possibly have in your nose I don't have?

- Oh, was I snoring? - I can't believe you're alive.

Oh, God, I dreamt we were really good friends with Dean Martin.

It's 6.45 on a completely gross Friday morning in New York.

The Lincoln Tunnel is...

Why do we let this man in our bedroom?

Can you run the shower and make the coffee?

I think I'm pregnant.

Just kidding.

Make the coffee.

Tell me why

I love you like I do.

Tell me who.

Can start my heart as much as you.

Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine.

They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time

I don't have the answers

I don't have a plan.

But I'm mad about you, baby.

So help me understand.

What we do.

You can whisper in my ear.

Where we go.

Who knows what happens after here.

Let's take each other's hand.

As we jump into the final frontier

I'm mad about you, baby.

Yeah

I'm mad about you.

- Honey, we're leaving in five seconds. - You're not waiting for me.

If we're not on the subway by 8:00, all the non-sticky seats are taken.

Listen, you don't have to pick up the dry cleaning today.

- Okay. How come? - 'Cause I never took it in.

It's still sitting in a shopping bag under my desk.

- In your office? - I forgot it.

Honey, people walk by there... strangers.

You know, they look under your desk, and they see my soiled garments?

They're not on display. They're under my desk.

You know what I'm saying. Somebody drops a pencil, it rolls under your desk.

Next thing, some guy is walking around with my pants on his head, you know.

How good could I feel about something like that?

It doesn't bother you that we haven't had sex in five days?

Hello.

I just don't understand why it doesn't bother you.

- It's been almost a week. - It's not a week.

Sunday will be a week. What's going on with us?

What's going on is that we're married five months and the sexual part is over.

See, I thought you understood that. I'm sorry. That's what happens now.

I play checkers in the park, and you start arguing with buses.

- Come on. - It's not funny.

- You serious? - I'm very serious. What's going on?

Nothing is going on. It's just... Stuff happens.

- What stuff? - Life stuff. My life. Your life.

Look, Monday I was editing film until 2:00 in the morning...

and then Tuesday you had the conference thing.

And then we saw my parents, which, you know...

killed the mood Wednesday and sucked the life out of me Thursday.

So there you go. There's your week right there.

What can I say? I'm a woman. I have needs.

- I understand. - I'm young.

- No one's arguing. - I'm vital.

- And beautiful. - Are my ears too big for my head?

- And very neurotic. - No, seriously.

- Is my head getting smaller? - I didn't want to say anything...

- but yes, and for some time now. - Stop.

Listen, tonight, can we just do nothing?

- Really? - Really.

- Don't toy with me, white boy. - I'm serious.

Tonight, we'll both come home early, and, you know, we'll have dinner.

And sex. I really think we should have sex.

Can I please finish? We have dinner at 7:00.

Figure foreplay, 8:15.

Ifwe're naked at 8:30, we're wheezing and sweating at 9:00.

- Perfect. - All right.

- I'm gonna make lasagne. - Ooh, you could do that?

Well, I can try. We can open that nice wine we got from Fran and Mark.

- Oh, no. - What?

Fran and Mark. We're having dinner with Fran and Mark.

- What are you talking about? - We have plans.

- I had no knowledge of this. - Yes, you did.

When? You never said anything.

Last Friday, as we left the apartment...

you said, "What are we doing for dinner?"

I said, "We have no plans, but the next Friday we're seeing Fran and Mark."

- What? - You were out of town last Friday.

Damn it.

- But a nice try. That was real good. - So what are we gonna do?

- We blow 'em off. - We're always cancelling on them.

- Yeah, 'cause we don't like them. - But they're such good friends.

Just call Fran, tell her that we can't do it.

- You call her. - You should. She's your friend.

Can we just discuss it in the elevator, please?

- What is it now? - I have to open the window for the dog.

Honey, it's an apartment, not a Volvo. Why do we go through this?

Because the kid who walks him can't get up here till 3:00, and the heat's on.

Yeah, but...

A burglar is not gonna climb up 11 stories.

Cat burglars. That's all they do. They climb and they steal.

Oh, honey, come on. If you're not out of here in two seconds...

I'm moving all your clothes around.

- Who says I don't like your outfit? - You don't.

I love your outfit! Oh, you're out of your mind.

See, this is why you guys are so good together.

Why?

Because you make time for each other. Mom and Dad never did that.

- Does this look like enough to you? - Well, I'm not that hungry.

Oh, did you want to stay?

No. I'm not gonna interfere with your date.

Besides, I already have plans.

Anything good?

I'm gonna wallow.

Why?

'Cause you got the husband and the good hair.

Stop it.

I broke up with Arthur, that creep from Fort Lee.

Oh, the one who looks like William Devane?

Willem Dafoe. William Devane? Who am I? Mom?

- What happened? - I don't even want to talk about it.

- He doesn't want to get married again. - So? Neither do you.

But he doesn't even want to date. He says he likes me too much to date.

He likes you too much to date? Where do you meet these people?

Hey, that's what's out there. Trust me, you married the perfect guy.

Oh, yeah, unless you're sitting in a restaurant...

starving to death, waiting to order.

"I'm thinking soup, but..."

They only have bisque, and I'm uneasy with bisque.

"I don't know why."

Believe me, nothing's perfect.

Oops.

You're gonna serve that now?

No, not till about 7:00.

Ooh, look, a cute girl.

- Look at you guys. - Lisa.

- Don't worry. I'm not staying. - What?

- I'm not staying. - Sure. Whatever.

How's everything? Good? How's the guy from Fort Lee?

More importantly, how is the new car running? Good?

They stole my stereo and slashed the seats.

- No! - Where?

I was at Roosevelt Hospital the night I had my panic attack.

Yeah, but you're insured, right?

I forgot to send in my premium.

Hey, who needs insurance as long as you got your health, right?

And I'm getting my period... again.

Oh, look what happened here!

Would you excuse me for one minute?

- That was subtle. What? - "What?"

What is she doing here? We're supposed to have foreplay in 11 minutes.

She just got dumped. She's so depressed.

Lisa? Depressed? Really?

What was I supposed to do? Not let her come over?

If I walked in here tonight with Selby, you would've gone nuts.

- Well, that's different. - Why is that different?

Because she's my sister, and he's over here every night of our life.

And she's not, right? You know, tonight was supposed to be you and me.

That was the whole purpose.

If it means that much to you, I'll ask her to leave. Who are you calling?

- Selby, what's up? - Don't you dare.

Lasagne. Is it vegetarian? 'Cause he won't eat that.

If he comes over, I'm walking out of here.

- Why would she mind? - I'll go out with my sister.

Where? To do what?

Wherever to do whatever I want.

See you when you get here. Great.

- Well, so much for our evening alone. - It don't look too good right now.

Why don't you just marry Selby? You'll probably be a lot happier.

Hey, send your sister home. I'll call off Selby right now.

You are so cruel.

I'm cruel? That's interesting. I'm cruel.

- Tell me that you called Fran and Mark. - You said you were gonna call.