Ally McBeal

Oh, it was 'cause I smelled his bottom.

It wasn't that stupid. We saw dogs do it.

That's how they knew for sure, so-

No, we didn't even smell anything.

Oh. It was the kiss.

It was too-so-

I actually felt my whole body tingle.

Or maybe it was when our tongues touched or-

No. No, it was that first kiss...

which was so soft...

his lower lip barely touching my top lip.

That was magic.

The first time wasn't. I-I pinched a nerve in my neck.

If we could've just stayed broken up.

But I just had to follow him to law school.

I- I didn't even wanna be a lawyer. I-I just, um-

Maybe I studied too hard.

No. No, it wasn't me. It was him.

He's the one who had to transfer to Michigan.

Just like that?

Ally, I want to clerk when I get out. If I don't make Law Review-

You expect me to leave Harvard, give up my place on Law Review, so you can-

Of course. I don't expect it.

I wouldn't even ask it. But-

So basically you're putting your law career between us?

Well, I choose the law too.

But I choose Boston.

So here I am, the victim of my own choices.

And I'm just starting.

Love and law are the same.

Romantic in concept, but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection.

But I actually did like my job-

until one of the senior partners started to like me.

I thought it had to be my imagination. I mean, please.

It was never that obvious...

till one night.

- -

Hey! Don't you ever do that again.

I apologize. I have Epstein-Barr.

- - When I told Mr. Lyne the story...

- he got fired. - What?

- The guy grabbed my buttocks. - What?

- You're fired. - I'll sue.

And he did. He claimed O.C.D.- Obsessive-compulsive disorder.

- The sickness being to squeeze butts. - I simply had to touch them.

He filed a claim under the federal disabilities act.

- What are you saying? - Well, because of attorneys'fees...

punitive and possible treble damages that go with the suit...

uh, I'm saying the partners would rather be sued by you.

They got their wish.

I remembered that "fool for a client" rule.

So I retained independent counsel, filed a claim, and planned to go public.

But he didn't care about it being public.

In fact, to help bolster his O.C.D. Defense...

he started squeezing butts all over, as strategy!

To do it in the open, he must have O.C.D. That was the thinking anyway.

It's a complete pretext. He's mocking us.

I know. It's absurd. This guy's a master litigator.

He knows how to manipulate the facts.

We can't prove it's a pretext.

You don't want to prove it. He's a rainmaker. You'd rather lose me than him.

Tell me I'm wrong.

I quit.

I- I had to quit.

If I didn't have my dignity, I had to at least make it look like I did.

- Ally? Ally McBeal. - Oh, no.

I can't believe it. I haven't seen you forever!

- Richard, how are you? - I'm outstanding. You look fabulous.

- I know. I just got fired for it. - What?

Richard and I were classmates.

- There's this really big fat man, right? - We weren't close.

He's running around pinching my ass. I'm like-

This is perfect. I just started my own practice. You will join us today.

Excuse me?

Yeah. Look, we're just up the street. We got these great offices.

Working for you? With your philosophy of law?

Piles and piles of money. I mean, if I help somebody along the way, that's great.

But mainly I'm in this for the piles, the heaps-the big piles.

And what would I start at?

I don't understand.

I go to law school 'cause I was so in love with a guy.

He leaves me to make Law Review. And now I'm signing up with somebody...

who-who-who-who started his own firm for the piles.

John Cage is my cofounder. You'll love him.

He's out today getting his frown lines Botoxed. Makes rain when he sleeps.

I mean, does it show? Look at this office. It's avant rich.

It stinks of money. Over here is your office.

Uh, this is Elaine Vassal. She'll be your assistant.

Hi. I stocked your office supply-wise. I'll program your speed dial to whatever you want.

Would you like a voice-activated Dictaphone? It's in the budget.

Um, I... You don't have to decide now. And here's the Man Made file.

- I already filed your appearance. - I beg your pardon?

- The best way for you to get wet is to jump in. - I'm not sure-

Motion, second session, Suffolk. We represent Man Made magazine.

Guy is seeking prior restraint. Your wheelhouse.

Judge Hopkins is sitting. He's tough, but fair.

Not big on pantsuits for women. This'll be fine.

Hemline's a little high, but who am I to notice?

Hey, Billy. Come in here. I want you to meet somebody. Ally McBeal, Billy Alan Thomas.

Billy was actually with us at Harvard first year before he transferred out.

- We know each other. - You do?

Oh, my God. Oh, you two. Oh, I feel so stupid. You two were-

- She's working here? - Well, yeah. Is that a problem? Because if it is-

No, it's not to me. Is it to you?

Me? No.

It's fine.

- Fine. - Fine.

Fine.

I have to go to the bathroom.

It's this way.

This is not a big deal. It's okay. It's not a tragedy.

It's just a funny bounce of the ball. That's all.

Ally.

R-Richard. R-Richard. Richard, I'm in the bathroom.

Oh, well, unisex studies show it helps men and women employees breed familiarity...

so long as they don't come in to just breed.

Uh, seriously, is working with Billy gonna be a problem?

'Cause if it is, well, I can't do anything about it.

But, you know, I'd be happy to sympathize.

Yeah, um, before we get to that...

um, if you don't object, I have this lawsuit against Jack Billings...

- and I have a deposition scheduled for Friday- - Say no more.

You can do it here. We would be happy to lead the charge.

Great. Great. So, uh, who's your best litigator?

- Oh, that would be Billy. - Oh, that would figure.

- Who's your second best? - Ally, this lawsuit...

is it more about accounting for yourself, or do you wanna give it to Billings?

I don't know the whole story. But I sense you'd like to grind up this guy's head...

and feed it through his intestines.

- Something like that. - Then go with Billy. He's your man.

- - Go with Billy. He's my man.

This will kill you having to get up so early every morning.

- I don't have to get up earlier. - Right. Going to work with your ex-boyfriend.

- Hair and makeup alone is an extra half hour. - It isn't a factor, Renee.

I stopped caring about the guy three years ago.

Mm-hmm. That's why you're in here changing lip liner, wishing your breasts were bigger.

Out. Out. Out.

I do wish my breasts were bigger.

Not huge, but less small.

They-They could-I'd look good less small.

Ally, there's no precedent for enjoining an autobiographical article.

- But a minister and a nun? - I color-coded the pleadings-Notice, motions and memo.

I also know the clerk in second session, so I put in a good word. Also-

I think Elaine, while telling me what's been done...

really only wants you to know that she's the one doing it.

People like this-I imagine their heads growing when they speak.

It could be me. I-I don't know.

Your initials on a few things before you leave, so I'll be back.

- Thank you. - Also, remember your Law Review article...

on Fortune 500's federal and state taxation?

Yeah. I'm still trying to sell the movie rights.

Seriously, we've got a meeting coming up with counsel for Air National.

You could possibly be of help. This is a very big opportunity for us.

Help how? What does he want me to do? I know how he lands clients.

- We will take care of this. No, no. -

He either drools with sympathy, makes them feel heard-

- Yes, we will. - Or he just promises whatever to get even with somebody.

Let me tell you something. I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law.

The law sucks. It's boring.

But it can also be used as a weapon.

You wanna bankrupt somebody? Cost him everything he's worked for?

Make his wife leave him? Even cause his kids to cry?

Now we can do that.

It's very important they come out of that meeting believing they'll pay less taxes.

Less taxes, reduced, not as much, diminished, abated.

Less-Less than lower.

I'm nothing if not redundant. I also repeat myself.

- Hey. -

Hey, Billy. Hi.

Mornin'.

- Coffee? - Um-

Oh.

Sure.

Richard asked me to cover your deposition against Jack Billings.

- Yeah. It's a stupid case, I know. - You wanna get him.

- I do. - Okay. And you're comfortable with me handling it?

- Sure. - Okay.

You don't know how many times I almost picked up the phone-

Yeah, well, you won't have to think about that now.

We'll be passing each other in the hallway. Hmm.

So, um, last I heard you were clerking for Souter.

Yeah. And then I took a job with Steptoe.

But when Richard started this place, it was too tempting to pass up.

- You know Richard. - Yeah.

So, you, um, seeing anybody?

Actually, uh, I'm married.

Oh. How wonderful.

Does that change your feelings about wanting to work here?

- Do you have kids? - No.