The Simpsons

The Simpsons.

Welcome back to Promiscuous ldiots lsland

on Fox, the home of Promiscuous ldiots.

Last week on Pll, our billionaire bachelor

gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation.

And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone

displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity.

Tonight, we reveal a shocking secret.

Ladies, when you were selected,

you were told that you'd be dating

a billionaire on his private island.

Well, I'm afraid we misled you.

Get ready, skanks. Here comes the truth train!

This isn't an island. It's a peninsula.

This was supposed to be about trust!

I just want to get on that boat and go home!

Well, you don't need a boat because you can walk.

Yeah.

What do those women expect?

When you sign a contract with Fox,

you know you're gonna be betrayed and humiliated.

Quiet! The commercial's on!

If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV.

Do you love that sweet smell of Farmer Billy's bacon?

Do I ever?

Would you like to see how a pig goes

from loving life to your fork and knife?

Would I?

Well, if you open up one of these here packages

and find a golden ticket, you get a tour

of Farmer Billy's bacon factory.

You'II see the hoof grinder, the marrow sluice,

and of course, the five-story pig shredder blessed by three popes.

If you like bacon, you're gonna love it.

And if you don't like bacon, well, then the hell with ya!

I'm going to find that golden ticket and win that tour!

The only thing that can make bacon more delicious

is seeing how it's made!

Okay. Farmer Billy's slow-killed bacon.

Farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon,

Farmer Billy's travel bacon...

Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself,

I also sell handguns.

Nope. Just looking for that golden ticket.

Nope. Nothing. Nope. Nada.

The golden ticket! At long last!

Mr. Simpson, please! I fear your smooches are premature.

This, in fact, is a silver ticket. Huh?

"This silver ticket entitles you

"to judge the pig competition at the Springfield County Fair."

Hmm. Judge a pig competition? But I'm no super genius.

Or are I?

These giant vegetables are amazing.

How about a bite of the world's biggest Brussels sprout?

This song is about a country I love.

You may have heard of it. It's called America.

Hey, I know that country!

I could please Miss Barbra Streisand.

By spitting on the flag Or strangling a bald eagle.

On the cover of some mag.

But I love this country.

To me, she has no sins.

If you don't buy my record.

Then al-Qaeda wins.

USA! USA!

Of all the days for you to get a zit.

Comely. Succulent.

Clearly had a snout job.

Ugh! Too '80s.

Let's see how your sister's doing

in the place-setting competition.

Place-setting?

How is someone so lame related to a hot tamale like me?

Check it out! Dribble glass, rubber knife, whoopee salad!

And finally the breakaway wine bottle...

Did not arrive.

My theme is "lf Music be the Food of Love."

The setting features tuning forks,

champagne flutes, and of course, chopsticks.

And for dessert, Ella Fitz Jell-O.

Lordy, girl. Your entry stinks like

the south end of a northbound mule.

What's wrong with it?

Well, your place-setting thinks it's better than it is.

Like a yard dog that sneaks into the house.

Zing!

Did I do anything right?

Well, you did put it on a table.

Lookee here, it wobbles.

Wobble, wobble, wobble... Wobble, wobble, wobble...

Wobble, wobble, wobble...

This table's about as solid as your underlying concept.

No one does that to my daughter!

One more felony assault, Simpson, and you're going down.

I didn't know I could fit in a bubble. I must be losing weight.

Oh... But I gotta do something! I'll need a disguise.

Aw, there, there, little darlin'.

Dry those tears with this!

Hold it right there!

You've hurt your last feeling!

We all know pi-R-squared.

But today, pie-are-justice. I welcome it.

Thank you, mysterious stranger. Where did he go?

Where were you, Homie? You missed all the excitement.

Shall we ever see Springfield's costumed protector again?

Oh, I have a funny feeling we will.

Wherever people are mistreated, the Pie Man will strike!

What you doing, sweetie?

I'm drawing a picture of my newest hero. Pie Man!

Gee, I thought I had a bigger package than that.

That's really sweet, honey.

Aw. Hey, let's turn that frown upside down.

Oh, Dad! I feel like I'm gonna throw up!

All right. What's wrong, Son?

Comic Book Guy made me pay for these comics he said I smudged.

But I didn't even touch 'em!

Richie Rich Incorporates in Delaware.

Easy to Believe Tales.

Supergirl vs. The Glass Ceiling.

The Green Listener.

He was just trying to unload these

crappy comics on a helpless kid.

Somebody oughta take him down a peg, or should I say "down a pie"?

No, I think the expression is "peg."

Maybe you're right, Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie be you're pie.

This magazine you sold me isn't.

Fantastic Four, it's Fantastic Floor.

My family can't put in floors. We rent.

Sorry. No refunds.

Oh, brother. Why do we get all the weirdoes here

at the comic book store?

Comic Book Guy, don't do the crime if you can't do the key lime!

How could this be any more humiliating?

Hello. I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek.

Oh! You finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit chat.

Ew. Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you.

There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face.

There's a note!

Finally, a superhero that kids can love.

What about Fist Face?

Fist Face? Who's Fist Face?

Why won't you tell me who Fist Face is?

I demand you reveal the identity of Fist Face!

It's you!

You can tell by the way the pie tin sits on his face

that he's very good-looking.

Oh, I think you'd find his filling extremely hot.

Ooh! I bet he's Ned Flanders.

Flanders?

He's not man enough to trim my crust!

I mean Pie Man's crust! I'm not Pie Man.

Pie. Popular pastry, tricky math thing

and now sword of righteousness.

A masked avenger has been giving.

Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts!

This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years!

In an attempt to curb copycat pie-ings,

the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange.

The pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad.

Aw! Those poor innocent pies.

Some days you just don't want to be a cop, you know?

I'm gonna go turn the siren on. That always cheers me up.

That's good footage. Where will the Pie Man strike next?

Perhaps at the Springfield Children's Hospital,

which is tossing out all its sick youngsters

to make way for a new cosmetic surgery clinic.

Who will treat my whooping cough?

Search me. Come back when you want a giant rack.

Okay, Lou. The minute Pie Man shows up, we spring our trap.

Hey, what do you got against this pie guy anyway?

He's giving jerks their comeuppance.

Yeah, but he's skipping the hardest part of being a cop.

Bike safety lectures.