King of the Hill

-(crickets chirping) -(gloomy music)

Okay, Dale, hop on up.

Oh, I don't know.

Looks like he died

with his tongue sticking out.

Let me try again.

I can look deader.

No way, man.

Man, this is getting old.

I'm sitting up here... harness...

dang old wedgie city up here, man.

Well, it's a small price to pay, Boomhauer.

I'm the general contractor of the school's haunted house.

It's my responsibility to bring this job in on time

under budget, and over scary.

You know it's the darnedest thing.

I got myself a wedgie, too.

Hank, dinnertime.

I am stirring in the cheese powder.

Okay.

Hey, Peg leg, can you come out here

and give me a hand?

-(door opens, squeaks) - What is it, honey? I'm right in the...

Gotcha.

Oh, you! Oh, that just took

a year off of my life, I think.

I'm going to scare the pants off those kids.

I tell you what.

I want Bobby to have the perfect Halloween

the kind I had when I was a boy.

-(quirky music continues) -(door opens)

Trick or treat.

Oh, my. Aren't you boys the scariest?

Yeah, man, talk about...

mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Dang ol' boo, man. Yo.

You got any candy cigarettes?

No, but I have chocolate.

Happy Halloween.

Only one.

- Come on, push it over. -(cracking)

Knock it down, quick!

-(thuds) Okay, Dale's house is next.

I think I'll go call my mom.

-(door squeaks) - Want to come with us?

Mega Lo Mart is running a Halloween special.

-(hissing) - If you buy two rubber masks

they will punch out the nostril holes for free.

Oh, sorry.

I got to go to my youth fellowship meeting.

We going to deliver a hot meal to old people

and then blow on it.

Maybe I could be

a dalmatian.

Halloween costumes are supposed to be scary.

How is a dalmatian scary?

- They can bite you. - Mm-hmm.

And nine times out of ten, they go right for the groin.

Where are the vampires

and monsters

and ghosts?

Elmo? Aladdin?

Jenny McCarthy?

I don't even know what these things are.

I'd like to introduce

our guest speaker.

She's a new member of our church

who has made herself known in a very short time

through a series of gutsy letters

complaints and threats.

Ms. Junie Harper.

Thank you.

Why don't we just start things off

with a little quiz?

Oh, I hope it's open bible.

Who can tell me what this is?

It's a witch?

Very good.

What's your name?

Luanne Platter.

Luanne, you answered that so fast.

Do you know any witches yourself?

Witches aren't real.

Oh, yes, they are.

Well, they even have their own holiday.

Who knows

what October holiday

is associated with witches, goblins, and Satanists?

Um, Halloween?

Smart.

Smart, smart.

Oh, this girl is very, very smart.

Mm. Thank you for noticing.

Well, we still need a costume for Bobby

but at least we got our treats.

- Eatwells? -(plastic rustles)

Sugar-free, low-fat fun bars?

Peggy, that stuff isn't for trick-or-treaters.

It's for diabetics.

Well. I am not going to gain ten pounds

like I did last year.

So don't eat it, just leave it there.

No one said you could touch my candy anyway.

-(clattering) -(cash register beeps)

The ancient Druids celebrated Halloween

by eating babies

by the light of their jack-o'-lanterns

And then they danced.

Boy, I'm sure glad your grandma kept

my old costume.

You know, I used to have

a laugh that went along with this.

Try it with me, son.

Scary?

- Uh, it was... disturbing. - Mm-hm.

Uncle Hank, Aunt Peggy

I have terrible news!

Halloween is a Satanic holiday.

It was invented by the Druish.

No, honey, not Druish. The Druids.

Where did you hear that garbage?

It's the truth.

Trick-or-treating is devil worship.

Junie Harper says so.

Luanne, Halloween is just good, clean fun.

It's got nothing to do with the devil.

I don't want to hear any more

of your foolishness.

Oh...

Well, what is wrong with you?

She just put some exciting new thing in her brain

and all she wanted to do was show it to us.

-(somber music) -(sighs)

- Ooh, my pretty kitty. -(bell clinking)

So, you told him

about the Druids and the candy corn

and he still thinks Halloween is just for fun?

Uh-huh. I felt so stupid.

Oh, no.

First of all, in the eyes of the lord

you're a genius.

The devil likes to fool you

into thinking you're stupid

because it makes it easier for him to trick you

but if you think you're smart, you can resist him.

Do you see what I'm saying?

I'm not sure.

Satan, begone!

Now you see?

Yes.

These days, Satan's getting very popular.

That's why this Halloween

I'm sponsoring a Hallelujah House.

Oh, what's that?

It's a righteous alternative

to those wicked haunted houses.

Oh, no.

Uncle Hank is running a haunted house

down at Bobby's school.

-(light music) - The school?

Tell me more.

Let's get the rise and run

of this trough right.

I don't want my blood

rushing to my severed head.

Hey, Principal Moss.

- Hello, Hank. -(footsteps)

Mr. Gribble, this is a school.

Take that cigarette outside.

Yes, sir.

Jackarse-says-what?

What?

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

-(footsteps) -(blows)

Hmm.

Hank, do you know Ms. Junie Harper?

She has some concerns.

Apparently, some people consider Halloween