Slap Shot

(SINGING) Indian Spring Water.

Pure spring water brought right to your door.

The taste you remember from childhood.

Indian Spring Water.

Call your local Indian Spring man.

He's in the Yellow Pages. It's only a few pennies a day.

Enjoy the winter clearance sale at Howlands.

All prices drastically slashed.

50 percent off on ladies' parkas.

Come on and see it.

53 Market Street at the sign of the winking owl.

WBROL, Charlestown.

Channel 8's 11:00 movie,

Richard Anthony in High Risk Devils.

And now back to Jim Carr's Sports Talk.

Hi, Jim Carr again.

Denis, I know that some in our audience don't know the finer points of hockey.

Could you tell them, for example, what is icing?

Icing happen when the puck come down, bang, you know,

before the other guys, nobody there.

My arm go comes up, then the game stop, then start up.

I see. What is high-sticking?

High-sticking happen when the guy take the stick, and he go like that.

You don't do that. You don't do that?

Oh, no, never, never. Why not?

Against the rules. You know, you're stupid when you do that.

Just some English pig with no brains, you know.

What is slashing?

Slashing is like that, you know.

And... there's a penalty for that?

Yeah. And for trip also, you know, like that.

And for hook like this. And for spear like that.

All bad.

You do that, you go to the box, you know.

Two minutes by yourself, and you feel shame, you know.

And then you get free.

The Chiefs are at home tonight against Hyannisport at the War Memorial at 8:00.

Good seats are still available.

A look at sports.

I think that went well.

At defense for the Chiefs,

number 5, Billy Charlebois!

At center for the Chiefs, number 7, player-coach Reggie Dunlop!

Dunlop, you stink!

At left wing, number 10, Ned Braden!

I hate you, Braden!

Playing right wing, number 14, Jean-Guy Drouin!

Frog pussy!

Ladies and gentlemen, our national anthem.

Go get them, kid. Hey, Denis!

How's it going, Nick? I'm drunk.

Nah! I'm not bullshitting ya. Got shitfaced on the bus.

Louise left me, and that son of a bitch

keeps playing me when he knows I'm shitfaced.

Geez, I'm really sorry.

Anybody throws me against the boards, I'm gonna piss all over myself.

Take it down to the other end, Ned.

I thought I'd get Jerry one of those "Great Ideas of the World" sets.

You can look up the ideas alphabetically: Arts, mechanics, philosophy.

Yeah. Johnny always says you can just screw so much and drink so much.

He's screening me! Move him out!

We got Charlestown trailing three to nothing

with 10:48 left in the first period.

Oops! Correction, folks, that's two to nothing.

We don't want to make it any tougher for the Chiefs than it already is.

That's what you're paid for, Braden!

Try winning a game for a change.

Nice going, kid.

Number 10, Braden, with his 18th goal of the year.

Assisted by number 7, Dunlop, and number 14, Drouin.

Ned Braden is now the leading scorer in the Federal League.

Tie it up out there, guys!

Come on, defense. Get the puck outta here!

Hit him, Billy, hit him!

With us in the press box is injured Chiefs' defense man Dave Carlson.

Dave, is it tough sitting up here watching your team lose like this?

Definitely, Jim.

You injured your knee in the Peterboro game.

No. No? I thought you had.

No, I have a cold. The runny nose, sore throat, all that.

I went out in that storm last week to start my car. I didn't have my jacket on.

It may have settled in my kidneys.

We got action here.

Hit him with your purse, ya pussy!

Jesus, look at Brophy. He's plastered!

He told me so!

If anybody boards him, he's gonna piss all over himself.

Piss all over himself.

Faire "pipi," eh? No, no, I okay.

Clear the puck, Billy! Get this guy outta my crease!

Joe McGrath. Oh, yes, miss!

Get off the ice, Nick. You're gonna kill yourself.

They're on the ice right now giving their all. They will be ready.

Ensemble number 32, entitled "Omar Sharif"

and modeled by Chiefs' defense man Billy Charlebois

who hails from, if I can read the card, Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

Notice the padded shoulders, giving the '40s look.

You look nice, real spiffy.

Keep in mind that the perfect accessory for the man in your life

is a season ticket to the Chiefs games.

I look like some cock sucking faggot! You seen Reg or Braden?

Joe, enough's enough.

Nowhere in my contract does it say I gotta make a fool outta myself.

Have you seen Dunlop or Braden? I'm gonna flash them, Joe.

I'm gonna walk down that aisle,

open this bathrobe and wiggle my dick at them.

You will not. Yes, I am, Joe. You know why?

Because I want you to have a heart attack and die

so we never have to do this again.

You and your fucking fashion show! It's good publicity.

You fellas have not been drawing them in the way you have in the past.

I'm gonna wiggle it at them, you cheap bastard. You better be prepared

'cause when I yank it out, everybody in that audience, with the exception of my wife,

is gonna be running for the exits.

Ensemble number 8

as we watch Chiefs' defense man Johnny Upton...

Joe McGrath here. Just checking on Dunlop...

We have two generations of pro hockey with us

for you folks to call in and question.

Player-coach Reggie Dunlop and right wing Ned Braden.

Reggie, you represent the old guard,

one of the iron men of the Federal League.

You've been playing pro hockey for how many years?

Quite a few, Jim.

Is that right? And on the other side of the scale, Ned Braden

who's a college graduate, and an American citizen!

You went to Princeton and were All-Eastern.

That's what it said in the yearbook, Jim. Okay.

Our lines are open. Anything you folks wanna know

about the fascinating world of pro hockey, here we go!

Hi, there. Jim Carr. What's your question?

Dunlop, you old fart, why don't you get outta the game and let...

We... We're gonna spin some music while we're waiting for our next caller.

Jim, I know a lot of kids would enjoy coming to the games

to see a great veteran like Reggie Dunlop skate.

While we're waiting for our next caller,

we'd like to remind you folks calling in

to keep your questions within the boundaries of good taste.

What kind of broad is it who calls up and says something like that?

They're supposed to be our fans.

Just 'cause we're losing... Who cares? It's over.

Idiot McGrath and his shitty P. R. Schemes. I hate that cheap bastard.

What are these poor fuckers gonna do when they close the mill?

They ain't closing the mill!

They're just jacking the guys around so they'll feel happy they got jobs.

It's the old tactic, the mind-fuck.

Announced it this morning. April 1, they shut it tight.

Yeah? Yeah!

That's a big surprise.

Ten thousand mill workers have been placed on waivers.

What the hell are they gonna do with them? I don't know.

Every sucker for himself.

Hey, who's she?

Slipped my mind.

Oh, yeah? Maybe your wife'll remember her.

You're the best girl in the whole world. Yes, you are.

Ruby! How's my Ruby? How's my girl, huh?

You're a sweetheart. I missed you. You're a sweetheart.

Are you my girl?

Beginning to like it here, huh? No, I hate it here!

I'm cracking up. You know what I mean? You don't look bad.

I can't figure it out. I'm slipping fast. I think you look fine.

Slow down. You're making her nervous.

Jerry, I'd like to cancel the order. REGGIE: Joe?

And there's another matter that's come up and is kinda important...

Would you hold it a minute?

Joe, what happens to us when the mill closes?

Don't worry about it. The new boys are coming in on the 4:15 bus.

I wanna know what happens...

Who are these guys? I never even heard of them.

Son, just pick them up and take them over to the hotel.

I've done enough shit work.

The fucking fans are calling in with dirty talk.

Nothing in my contract says I gotta... Do you see this quarter?

It used to be a nickel. Now, the golden years are behind you.

One season, maybe two,

you'll be hanging up the blades and retiring the ax.

Fuck it. Then you'll remember it was Joe McGrath

who trained you for the front office.

I'm sorry, Jerry. Like I say, I'd like to cancel the order.

In fact, I've got some equipment I'd like to sell.

Skate sharpener, massage table, jacuzzi, our bus.

Transways Express Flyer,

number 83 for Pittsburgh, Cleveland...

Hey! Hey!

Hey! You guys the Hanson's?

Fucking machine took my quarter. Who are you?

Reggie Dunlop, the coach. Grab your frigging gear and let's get going.

Okay. C'mon, Steve. Let's go. Took my quarter!

You think they show Speed Racer here?

Hey, guys! Hey! Wait up. Hold up.

Look what I got!

You guys triplets or something?

No, I'm in the middle. Steve's 20, Jeff's 18.