The Simpsons

The Simpsons.

Dude, Where's My Ranch?

Silver bells, silver bells.

It's Christmas time in the city.

Oh, that is like so moving.

Yo, family, isn't that beautiful?

Walking in a winter wonderland.

Exquisite. Just exquisite.

Makes me wish I hadn't released the hounds.

- Should I call them off, sir? - No, no. It's their Christmas too.

Have a nice Christmas Have a nice Christmas.

Have a nice Christmas.

Non-Christian friend.

That's even worse than "I'm Dreaming of a Whitefish Christmas."

For this, I tied my bathrobe?

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling...

Cease and desist. You are forbidden to perform that song without paying...

- ...royalties to the owner. - Nobody owns Christmas carols.

They belong to everyone, like grapes at the grocery store.

Not true. But you are welcome to sing the many public domain carols...

...such as "O Tannenbaum," "Good King Wenceslas"...

..."Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring."

Those suck. They're worse than nothing.

I could write way better songs.

Go. But don't use A-flat or G-natural. Those are owned by Disney.

That's A-flat.

That's better.

That's it. I'm writing a Christmas carol.

If I can make my own clothes, I can do anything.

Christmas in December Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Give me tons of presents Now, now, now.

- Homer. Writing a new Christmas carol? - Maybe.

Well, the Bible says it's fun to do stuff together.

There's a stranger In the manger and his name is love.

Take it, Homer.

Oh, I got it. You want me to stay out here and work on the chorus.

Flanders, I am a patient, reasonable, handsome man.

But even I have my limits. Now, beat it.

Why, thank you, Homer.

It's a popsicle in my favorite flavor, plain.

Lousy, no good... How am I supposed to write a song...

...with that stupid jerk bothering me all the time and...?

Wait a minute.

Everybody in the U.S.A. Hates their stupid neighbor.

He's Flanders And he's really, really lame.

Flanders tried to wreck my song His views on birth control are wrong.

I hate his guts And Flanders is his name.

F-L-A-N-R-D-S

He's the man thatl hate best.

I'd like to see his house go up in flame.

Excuse me. I've been researching indigenous folk music of Springfield.

I couldn't help overhearing your delightfully cruel hate song.

David Byrne?

Singer, artist, composer, director, Talking Head?

Singer, artist, composer, director, Talking Head?

And I used to wrestle under the name El Diablo.

- I thought that was Philip Glass. - Yeah, he wishes.

Hey, mister, if you like my song so much, would you like to buy a tape?

- It's already rewound. - No, thanks.

But I would like to sing it with you and produce it.

Ugh, fine.

- F-L-A. - His name is Ned.

- E-R-S. - That's a stupid name.

He's worse than Frankenstein Or Dr. No.

You can't upset him even slightly He just smiles and nods politely.

Then goes home and worships nightly.

His Leftorium is an emporium of woe.

F-L-A Don't yell at Ned.

D-E-R His wife is dead.

Everybody hates that stupid jerk.

Springfield rocks With Homer's joyous loathing.

Filling clubs with angry Valentinos.

You don't have to move your feet.

Just hate Flanders to the disco beat.

He's your perky, peppy Nightmare neighborino.

If you despise polite left-handers Then I doubt you'll like Ned Flanders.

Or his creepy little offspring Rod and Todd.

- That's us. - Hurray!

F-L-A His name is Ned.

- E-R-S. - He's so white bread.

The smiling, mustached geek Who walks with God.

Mass dismissed.

Hey, what are we gonna wear tomorrow?

We're halfway through our same song six-pack.

Now let's hear William Shatner's version...

...of "Everybody Hates Ned Flanders."

Another cover? My God, let it die.

Everybody in the U.S.A.

Hates their stupid neighbor.

He's the Flanders man, the Flanders man Flanders...

- I am so sick of that song. - Ugh, me too.

I've come to hate my own creation.

Now I know how God feels.

Why don't we take a vacation and get away from that song for a while?

Why don't we take a vacation and get away from that song for a while?

Well, I guess we could afford one nice trip.

I still think you should've left that at the motel.

What? It said "take one."

"Balloon Ride," "Wax Museum," "The Denzel Washington Monument"...

..."Colonial Phoenix." Hey, dude ranch.

And there's no radio or TV so we won't have to hear your song.

Sweet.

Or we could go to Walter Gropius' Bauhaus Village.

And fight the crowds? Forget it.

The Simpsons are going to Bart's idea.

This dude ranch is gonna be great.

A whole week without hearing that stupid song.

You won't think it's stupid when you hear the extended salsa mix.

Watch it, Mr. Byrne. You'll slip on the simonize.

Simonize?

Whoa, whoa!

- Can you take me to the hospital? - Yeah, no problem.

Wasn't that the hospital?

- Uh, you ever see the movie Misery? - Actually, no.

Then this'll all be new to you.

Welcome to the Lazy I Ranch...

...where we give you a week of rustic ranch living.

- Do you have an Internet connection? - Internet?

Son, the only Internet connection we got...

...is a dedicated DSL port in the business center.

Or you could patch in through the smart fridge in your cabin.

Hmm, if said fridge is smart, it will be filled with Hot Pockets and bologna...

...by the time I get there. Goodbye.

"On this battleground in 1881, 56 Indians lost their lives...

...and four brave Americans lost their hats."

Those poor hats.

This whole ranch is appalling. It's built on a legacy of cruelty to animals...

...and oppression of indigenous people.

Just our way of making y'all feel welcome.

- You're not listening. - I never do.

Yee-haw!

I'll show you how they get on a horse where I come from.

- Daddy, I need upsies. - Coming, sweetie.

- Huh. Well, he sure shut us up. - Mm-hm.

Yee-haw!

I really don't wanna do a lot of flip-de-loops.

No problem. You can hop on the chuck wagon with Cookie here.

Pleased to meet you. Have a tooth.

Hey, Crabby Hayes, get with the program.

I'm sick of this horse slapping and cow taunting.

I'm going to my room.

Hold it right there.

Mama rattlesnake would be mighty sore if you scrambled her young'un.

- Luke Stetson, junior wrangler. - I'm Lisa Simpson.

And you're the first person I've met here who cares about our animal equals.

Well, if you like animals, you won't wanna disappoint that pony over there.

She's just aching to show you around.

I'm sure she'd be happier without someone sitting on her back all day.

Sorry you're not interested because I need somebody...

...to help me hang these "No Hunting" and "Free Tibet" signs.

That was a delicious meal, Cookie.

- What do we do with our garbage? - Leave it for Cleanie.

My precious.

Would you like to be photographed in my great-grandfather's headdress?

He unified the nations of the western plains.

Five dollars or three for 12.

Can you shoot one where I'm Rambo and my wife is Betty Boop?

You mean package B.

And this is supposed to save our marriage?