Breakfast on Pluto

*[Sugar Baby Love by The Rubettes playing]

YOU CAN THROW A FAST ONE.

* SUGAR BABY LOVE

* SUGAR BABY LOVE

* I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU BLUE *

HOW ABOUT IT, KITTEN?

WHAT'S THE CHANCE OF A BIT TONIGHT?

OH, WHY, YES, OF COURSE, BOYS.

I'LL LEAVE THE FRONT DOOR OPEN

AND YOU CAN ALL TROOP IN AND GIVE ME A JAB.

NOT UP TO IT, THEN?

YOU INNOCENT, SHOVEL-WIELDING,

HORNY-HANDED SONS OF THE NATIVE SOD.

NOT MANY PEOPLE ARE, MUNCHKIN.

NOT MANY PEOPLE CAN TAKE THE TALE OF PATRICK BRADEN

A.K.A. SAINT KITTEN,

WHO STRUTTED THE CATWALKS, FACE LIT BY A HALO OF FLASHBULBS

AS, "OH!" SHE SHRIEKED, "I TOLD YOU, FROM MY BEST SIDE, DARLINGS."

I WAS BORN, YOU SEE, MUNCHKIN,

IN A SMALL TOWN NEAR THE IRISH BORDER.

I WAS LEFT IN A BASKET ON A CERTAIN DOORSTEP

AND ONLY THE ROBINS KNEW WHY.

OH, BUT THEN, THEY KNEW EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS.

THOSE RED-BREASTED BUSYBODIES.

EVERY SECRET BEHIND EVERY LACE-CURTAIN WINDOW.

UH-OH, BEHIND YOU!

* SUGAR BABY LOVE

* SUGAR BABY LOVE

* I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU BLUE *

THIS LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE.

OH, DEAR!

* SUGAR BABY LOVE

* SUGAR BABY LOVE

LET'S GO.

* I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU

* PEOPLE, TAKE MY ADVICE

* IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, DON'T THINK TWICE *

* LOVE YOUR BABY LOVE

* SUGAR BABY LOVE

* LOVE HER ANYWAY

* LOVE HER EVERY DAY *

ROBINS! WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT, FATHER?

PECKING AT THE CREAM.

I SUPPOSE IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING, AFTER ALL.

IS YOUR BREAKFAST ALL RIGHT?

WELL, I'LL GET READY FOR MASS, SO. GOD BLESS.

GOD BLESS.

HE HASN'T BEEN HIMSELF LATELY, SO.

NO, HE HASN'T BEEN HIMSELF AT ALL,

SINCE THE BLONDE HOUSEKEEPER LEFT.

THE ONE THAT LOOKED LIKE THE FILM STAR

WITH THE BUBBLE-CUT CURLS.

MITZI GAYNOR!

JUST THE JOB. MR. STEED?

CUTEX CORAL PINK.

YES.

WHAT A CHARMING ATMOSPHERE YOU HAVE HERE.

DO YOU MIND?

NOT AT ALL.

THANK YOU.

OOH, WILL YOU HAVE A LOVE SEAT?

THE LOVE SEAT? WHY NOT?

MR. LOVEJOY WILL SEE YOU IN A MOMENT.

HE'S JUST CONGRATULATING ONE OF OUR HAPPY COUPLES.

HOW VERY ENCOURAGING. YES.

UH, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE A GLASS OF CHAMPERS?

CHAMPERS? NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

OR, A PIECE OF WEDDING CAKE?

NO, THANK YOU. I'VE JUST HAD BREAKFAST.

MR. STEED?

MY GOOD SHOES! MY GOOD SHOES, YOU LITTLE BRAT!

DO IT HARDER, MAMMY.

TEACH HIM NOT TO WEAR MY DRESS AGAIN.

HE'LL MAKE A DISGRACE OF US? WELL, YOU'LL NOT!

DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO?

I'LL MARCH YOU UP AND DOWN THE STREET

AND DISGRACE YOU IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE TOWN.

PROMISE?

HIT HIM WITH IT, MA! GIVE HIM THE BRUSH AGAIN!

SAY, "I AM NOT A GIRL." I'M NOT A GIRL.

"I AM A BOY. I'M NOT A GIRL."

I'M A BOY, NOT A GIRL.

SAY IT RIGHT.

MAKE HIM SAY IT RIGHT, MA.

MY HEART BROKE FROM THE CURSED DAY I EVER TOOK YOU IN.

A SHORT ONE BY GARETH CAREY,

UP ALONG THE FAR WING TO TONY HADDON.

TONY HADDON, 40 YARDS OUT NOW, FROM THE...

OFF HE GOES THEN, THE BALL ACROSS HIM TOWARDS THE CENTER.

AND COMING, ALFRED WHITNEY. HE'S CAPPED THERE.

WELL DOWN OVER HIS EYES IS, UH, NICK BRADY.

THE BALL COMES OVER. WHO'S GOT IT? REID MORGAN.

REID MORGAN GETS THE 35-YARD...

BROTHER BARNABAS SAYS HE'LL TRY YOU ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM

AND I WANT YOU TO READ THIS.

HEADING HIGH AND TO THE RIGHT, AND YES, IT IS...

IT'S GONE OVER THE BAR FOR THE FIRST GOAL OF THE GAME.

PADDY GARDY.

THE FIRST GOAL OF THE GAME.

PADDY GARDY TOOK ONE FROM THIS SIDE.

IT HAD A CURL ON IT, AND ONE HAD TO WAIT

UNTIL THE UMPIRES GAVE THEIR DECISION

AS TO WHETHER IT WAS IN OR NOT. IT WAS.

AND I CALL MY MOTHER NAMES.

WELL, YOU KNOW,

YOU--YOU--YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT, MY SON.

WHAT DO YOU CALL HER?

HAIRY ARSE.

HAIRY ARSE AND BOCKEDY HOLE.

AND CUNTHOOKS.

STAY WHERE YOU ARE! YOU MUST NOT PROCEED.

JESUS!

YOU MUST NOT CURSE.

IF YOU CURSE, YOU'LL BE EXTERMINATED.

HOLY FUCK!

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED, EARTHLING.

NOW YOU MUST DIE!

NO, DALEK, PLEASE.

SAUSAGES, SAUSAGES, STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

YES, YES, OF COURSE! PLEASE DON'T SHOOT!

LAWRENCE, COME ON.

NOT NOW, I'M BUSY. I'M BUSY.

COME ON.

I'M BUSY.

OH, FIGGLY BOOGLES, I'M DEAD.

DIE FOR IRELAND?

I'M SORRY, BUT IT APPEARED TO ME

THAT SOMEONE HERE HAD TAKEN LEAVE OF THEIR SENSES.

ARE YOU PLAYING THE GAME OR NOT, BRADEN?

ME PLAY! DYING FOR IRELAND.

EARTHLING, STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

WELL, COME ON, ENGLISHMAN, A BULLET, PLEASE.

AND NEXT UP IS THE DASHING FEELY

SPORTING A SMOKING JACKET, FEDORA HAT, AND SUNGLASSES BY GUCCI.

MADAM.

THE MAN HIMSELF.

YOUR MOTHER WILL BE BACK IN A WHILE.

OH.

SO HOW'S PATRICK AND THE BRADEN HOUSEHOLD?

THEY'RE WELL, MR. FEELY.

ESPECIALLY MY MOTHER, WHEREVER SHE IS.

SO SOMEONE'S TOLD YOU SOMETHING, PATRICK?

THEY DON'T HAVE TO.

HAIRY ARSE BRADEN TELLS ME EVERY DAY.

AH, PATRICK, NOW...

I'M SORRY, MR. FEELY.

YOU KNOW, I SAW HER ONCE, YOUR REAL MOTHER,

LONG AFTER THE DAY SHE LEFT.

IT WAS IN LONDON.

I WAS DOING WORK FOR GENIE MCQUILLAN.

I WAS GOING HOME THROUGH PICCADILLY

AND THERE, PASSING BY, WAS EILY BERGIN.

LOVELY AS THE DAY SHE LEFT, I SWEAR IT TO GOD.

DID YOU TALK TO HER, MR. FEELY?

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

I SHOUTED AFTER HER, PATRICK, BUT SHE DIDN'T HEAR.

LONDON SWALLOWED HER UP.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE TOWN.

BIGGEST CITY IN THE WORLD...

IT SWALLOWED MY MOTHER UP.

WHAT ABOUT MY FATHER, MR. FEELY?

I WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, SON.

THINGS BE COMPLICATED, YOU KNOW.

WHAT DID SHE LOOK LIKE?

MITZI GAYNOR, SON.

THAT'S WHO SHE LOOKED LIKE, MITZI.

MITZI GAYNOR.

WELL, FUCK ME PINK WITH A HAIRY ARSE!

IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER AND THE SON AND THE HOLY SPIRIT, AMEN.

YOU SEE, ONCE UPON A TIME,

THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL NAMED EILY BERGIN

WHO LOOKED NOT UNLIKE THE WELL-KNOWN FILM STAR MITZI GAYNOR

WHO SANG I'M GONNA WASH THAT MAN RIGHT OUTTA MY HAIR.

AND SHE WENT TO LONDON, THE BIGGEST CITY IN THE WORLD,

WHICH SWALLOWED HER UP.

BUT BEFORE SHE VANISHED,

I THINK SHE WORKED AS A PRIEST'S HOUSEKEEPER, FATHER.

BUT I COULD BE WRONG THERE, COULDN'T I?

I MEAN, I COULD BE WRONG. AFTER ALL, I...

ALL I WANTED WAS HER ADDRESS.

THERE BETWEEN THE PO AND THE APENNINES, BOYS

THE CLIMATE IS ALWAYS THE SAME.

THE LANDSCAPE NEVER CHANGES

AND IN COUNTRY LIKE THIS YOU CAN STOP ALONG ANY ROAD FOR A MOMENT

AND LOOK AT A FARMHOUSE SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF MAIZE AND HEMP,

AND IMMEDIATELY A STORY IS BORN.

NOW, WHEN YOU'RE WRITING YOUR ESSAY FOR ME THIS MORNING,

WHATEVER FORM IT TAKES IS UP TO YOU.

IT CAN BE CALLED "I FOUGHT IN THE EASTER RISING,"

"I WAS DRACULA'S GIRLFRIEND,"

OR EVEN "A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN OLD BOOT".

YOU'VE GOT ONE HOUR, SO LEARN TO WRITE.

"GOD BLESS US.

"IT'S YOURSELF..."

AH, GOD BLESS US. IT'S YOURSELF, MA'AM.

IT IS INDEED, FATHER.

...REMARKED

RANDY FATHER LIAM

AS HE OPENED THE DOOR

TO A YOUNG WOMAN