Married... with Children

And today, on And Yet It Lived, meet Simeon Pathetica...

an ape that even ev olution passed by.

- Can I have your autograph? - Not today, Peg, I got some big news.

You know how I'm always digging in my ear with the point of a pencil?

- Oh, my, this is good news. - You betcha.

Well, today, purely by accident...

I found out that I was using the wrong end of the pencil.

I discovered that if you turn it around and take off the eraser...

you can get a real kind of suction action going.

Get a load of this, honey.

But, honey, it still has an eraser on it.

That's not an eraser.

Oh, my God.

- What's for supper? - What would you like?

I'd like a nice, juicy steak.

Why, that's just waiting for you on the table.

Made you look, made you look. Al, you'll never learn.

So, honey, I was thinking.

Don't you think we need a little savings account?

You know, like any moderately successful 13-year-old?

Hey, don't kid yourself. I got plenty of money saved up.

Well, it doesn't matter, you're not getting any.

I'm gonna get me a Big Boy socket-wrench set.

Man, it's gonna be great.

I can go around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school.

Yes, and I have the trophies to prove it.

Anyway, Al, I've got some news...

and I've been waiting for the right... - Wait, hold it.

I'll bet that's some of the guys wanting to see my eraser.

Al, Peggy, we have a little announcement.

Jefferson and I are pregnant.

Oh, Marcie, that's great. You're kidding?

Yep, yep, yep. I knew it right away too.

You know how when Michael Jordan's in the air...

he just knows he'll do something special?

Well, I had the same feeling when I approached the hoop.

There was no blocking that shot, eh, baby?

- Oh, isn't this wonderful, Al? - Yeah, Al, I'm gonna be a father.

- Don't you have anything to say to me? - Oh, sure.

You're a dead man. It's all over.

Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Hey, I'm looking forward to being a father.

To hear my child say its first words, take its first steps.

Yeah, keep that in mind when you're at the news stand at 3 a. M...

praying they'll be asleep before you get home with your copy of Heinie.

What a grand jest.

Yeah, soon my hellhounds will be out of the house and I'll be free, free, free.

Except for her.

God, I feel great. I'm almost happy. Let me revel in it.

- I think this is a good time to tell you... - No, not now, babe.

Once my kids leave the house...

I'll finally be able to do what every man is supposed to do.

I can watch TV.

I can...

Well, I don't know, but it doesn't matter.

It's still better than having a screaming, crapping...

money-sucking little vampire bobsledding me to the cemetery.

God, I feel good.

- Honey? - Yes.

- Guess what. - What?

I'm pregnant too.

Oh, Al, hold me.

- How far along are you? - Five months.

Well, Al, I mean, didn't you notice I was getting fat?

Well, yeah.

- Oh, hold me. - Well, no, wait a second, stop.

That can't be right. When? Why?

How?

Wait a second. Let me check my journal.

- Five months ago, you say? - Oh, Al, isn't it a dream?

It better be.

Let's see, now. April, April... Here we go, April. Week one:

"Sold shoes, watched TV."

Week two, "Sold shoes, watched TV, wept."

Week three, "Sold shoes, had a few beers, passed out."

"I dreamt I fell in the washing machine, woke up feeling cheap."

Peg, what in God's green earth did you do to me?

Well, I couldn't help myself.

You looked so cute trying to pull your underwear up over your head.

- Well, I'm not made of stone, you know. - Peggy, this is so exciting.

- We can be pregnant together. - Yeah, Al, congratulations.

This is great. Gee, our kids'll grow up together...

and they'll be old enough to leave the nest together.

Gee, I'll be in my 50s when that happens, and you'll be, what, 102?

Oh, Marcie, this is so wonderful.

The pitter-patter of little feet after 18 years.

This is truly a joyous day for us all.

What did you do?

Can't you control your animal urges?

Of all the bonehead blunders a middle-aged man...

with no income can make.

God, you leave him alone for one second...

Did you not know the evil implications of your deed?

Bad Daddy. Bad, bad. Bad.

So, Mr. Sow-My-Wild-Oats-At-50...

what are we gonna do now?

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We'll be living off the scraps of scraps.

Slipping in puddles of baby juice.

Our home and our clothes smelling of the befouled buttocks...

of a child born out of middle-aged lust.

Oh, shame.

As if what you did wasn't bad enough, but with our mother, for God's sake.

Well, this is one fine " How you doing? Fine, thank you."

- Hi, kids. Did Daddy tell you the news? - Mommy, Mommy, we're so happy.

Happy, happy.

Now, kids, I don't want you to be jealous of the baby...

because I'll always have time for you.

After all, you were my first.

I was your first.

Really? Oh, well. What's important now is the baby.

- Did you congratulate your father? - Oh, sure.

- Way to go, Dad. You sure know. - Yeah. Oh, you...

- You old dog. You old... - That's great. It's just fabulous.

Well, I don't know about anybody else, but I've got a hankering...

for a nice cream-cheese- and-coffee-grind sandwich.

- We love you, Mommy. - We love you, Mommy.

- You stink. - You stink.

Do you think it's safe for Mom to have a baby at her age?

I mean, what is she, a million?

All right. Now, listen up, everyone. Just because I'm pregnant...

I don't want you to think I'm gonna be demanding or anything.

Your lives won't change a bit.

"And here's a picture of Mr. Rooster. 'Cock-a-doodle-doo."'