Silicon Valley

Facebook, Google and Amazon exploit our data for profit.

I will help you by building an internet of the people

by the people and for the people,

so help me God.

You said all that stuff about not collecting user data.

- But I am. - I just lied to Congress.

Hooli will remain an independent entity,

even if we have to shed a few divisions

and trim a little fat.

Gwart has a really good idea,

but she doesn't have a business plan.

Hi, I'm Jared.

We were able to break down all of your misdeeds.

This guy is dirty as a dog, and we got him.

Oh, hell yes.

It's the greatest data aggregating platform.

And Richard developed it specifically for us.

So this morning, Colin cut a new build

of Gates of Galloo to his staging server.

Okay, um, this is Baldereach,

capital city of Galloonia.

Those are some ghoul knights, wearing gelatinous armor.

This is just the game, pretty standard stuff.

Well, until I...

turn on the microphone.

How are you doing, Richard? Are you hungry?

Would you like some pizza?

What the fuck?

He's using our API to run ads directly in the game engine?

Crazy, right?

Domino's Pizza

in a fantasy medieval universe.

Why, it's enough to make you wanna go on vacation.

And he's even using our ability to track sentiment.

Yeah. Even if I say nonsense words,

it assigns them an emotional value.

La‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la!

Fuck me. So,

unless we get rid of Colin, which we can't,

he is going to put this on our network.

Money just perverts everything.

At this point, I could stand to be a little perverted.

Yeah, I wanna be a lot perverted.

I wanna blow money while it talks to its wife on the phone.

‐I wanna suck money... oh. ‐All right.

‐Microphone. ‐Oh! Uh...

Kittens, puppies, United Nations!

*SILICON VALLEY* Season 06 Episode 02

Episode Title : "Blood Money"

Richard, is this an okay time?

It's a great time, Jared.

I'm surrounded on all sides by people who turn on me.

‐I can come back. ‐No. No, no, it's fine.

What do you got?

What is this?

It's my resignation letter.

I'm leaving.

What?

One gaff with Colin, and you're just gonna walk away?

It's about so much more than that, Richard.

I've been agonizing over this.

Not sleeping, not eating...

I completely forgot my godson's 40th birthday.

Richard,

Pied Piper isn't the same company that I signed up for.

She has different needs now,

and so do you,

and, it turns out,

so do I.

Okay, Jared...

we are in the middle of a shit storm here.

I-I'm trying to handle this as honestly as possible.

There's a founder at the hacker hostel,

and she needs my help, and...

once I'm free of encumbrances...

Encumbrances?! Oh! Well,

fuck me, Jared. I don't want to encumber you.

Okay.

Go to your new boss. I hope she's not a...

big of a fuck‐up as I am, you...

buddy‐fucker.

‐I'm not a buddy‐fucker. ‐Oh, yes, you are, Jared.

You are a buddy‐fucker.

I am your buddy,

and you are fucking me. Ergo,

you are a buddy‐fucker.

Goodbye.

‐Richard, I'm not... ‐Goodbye, Jared. Thank you.

I like it how it is.

But it's too warm.

I want it warm.

Okay.

Gentlemen, and lady,

a short time ago, I reached out to you and asked you

to invest, sight unseen,

in a newer, leaner,

and more focused Hooli.

And invest you did, guided not by

traditional spreadsheets or actuarial tables,

but by your own highly attuned

- financial... - Gavin, cut the bullshit.

What do we still own?

Mr. Skelton.

As candid and as forthright as ever.

‐ Age has not dulled one iota of... ‐ Gavin.

Of course. I had prepared a presentation,

but I suppose I can just skip to the end.

Hopefully, I won't lose you.

Okay...

Confucius, John Lennon,

Nietzsche, Ayn Rand,

Steve Wonder, and here we go!

As you can see,

among the many jewels still in Hooli's crown

are our exciting suite of office...

Where is web services?

Well, Mr. Bezos felt it would fold nicely into his AWS,

so he insisted...

Smart speaker and in‐home?

‐He took that, too? ‐HooliHome was, indeed, subsumed

‐by the Amazon Alexa... ‐Targeted search?

Ironically, also missing.

But we maintain rights to the HooliPhone

and its proprietary apps,

the patent for the Hooli Puck Mouse.

We also maintain our web‐based marketplaces,

including our up‐and‐coming lifestyle networking platform,

‐Foxhole. ‐What the fuck is that?!

Well, Foxhole is a very exciting

web‐based exchange, catering to those in the military,

who are interested in having extramarital affairs. ‐

Gavin,

when do you expect the eight of us will

recoup our investment?

Ah, yes! That's my very next slide.

After this one.

Well, with a little luck,

we'll be profitable and up 5X inside three years.

You got three months, or you're out.

So, Melanie will take on all of Jared's

marketing duties, Gwen will cover biz dev,

and that should take care of it.

Does this scan to you?

‐I can see it. ‐Okay, great.

‐Okay, back to work. ‐Uh, Bertram,

while I have you...

You don't have me.

Richard's just tasked me with streamlining productivity

and balancing headcount.

Can you explain to me why you have

no one working under you?

It just seems odd considering that the agile board is showing

that you have a massive backlog.

You're new here,

so I'll forgive the patronizing tone.

I'm more concerned with being right

than being fast,

and I don't like dealing with people. To wit,

‐are we done? ‐Oh,

you're "that guy."

What "guy" exactly?

The brooding, arrogant guy

who refuses to take orders?

Self‐taught coder who looks down on

anyone who's taken a class.

You're probably an atheist

or something more contrarian.

You claim to be an anarcho‐capitalist,

but you work here and pay taxes.

You've probably read half of Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon,

and it's about 50/50 whether you own a snake.

His girlfriend owns a snake.

I finished Cryptonomicon,

and you easily could've just looked in my file.

I didn't need to.

‐I'm assigning you five coders. ‐Inadvisable.

Noted.

I'll send them over first thing tomorrow.

If you're going to throw five randoms under me,

at least let me pick my team.

‐Fair enough. ‐Good.

‐Georgia? ‐Mm.

You want to move the entire company to Georgia?

‐ Why? ‐ Well, the Valley's

become prohibitively expensive.

Look at these numbers.

If we move to Georgia,

we can save a fortune and get a further investment.

It's the only way.

Well, I have heard good things about

the food scene in the Dirty South.

Stankonia. Freaknik.

Might be nice to be around more people of color.

What?

Not Atlanta.

Tbilisi. The country of Georgia, not the state.

What?

‐ Gavin? ‐ Hmm?

Tbilisi is no doubt a wonderfully rustic place,

but do you not fear losing a local presence,