Supermansion

Gather around, children of all ages.

Actually, legally I have to ask that you're a child

above the age of 17, but if you're a cool nine-year-old

who figured out where to find Crackle, you're cool by us.

Anyway, this is the time of year

where families get on Amazon

and order slightly wrong versions of things

their loved ones asked for.

No, not super-wrong, just wrong enough

that it's not worth your time to mail it back.

Amazon knows what it's doing.

Who am I, you ask?

You'll find out soon enough.

But for now,

let's check in on one of our heroes

enjoying a new American tradition.

-* Made some cookies just for Santa *

* Making sure he knows that I was good *

* Drank his milk, hope he likes Fanta *

* Dude is pretty fat, he probably would *

* Stockings full of quesadillas *

* How do Santa's elves keep them warm? *

* Getting bored of this song, see ya *

* Fuck did you expect? I'm just a cat *

The perfect

cornerstone to a traditional Christmas.

You're almost there.

Religious customs seem to be a lot of work,

but I'm sure it's all worth it in the end.

What the hell is that?

Happy holidays, Ranger.

-Um, you mean "Merry Christmas."

Jesus' birthday.

-Actually, December 25th was originally a pagan celebration

of the winter solstice co-opted by Western culture.

There's actually no way of knowing when Jesus was born.

How very educational.

-* Heading out to see the family *

* Only person here who has a home *

-* Yeah, but don't your parents hate you? *

Who asked you?

Your father was run over by a RAV4!

-Santa, I've been good all year.

Please, please, please let this be the Christmas

you get me what I want.

And again, that is the V-Twin 800cc Dune Buggy.

-Santa? -Ho-ho-ho-ho!

You caught me delivering your presents.

Wait a minute.

I know that voice.

Rex!

Why are you sneaking around wearing Santa's clothes?

Where is he? What did you do with him?

You got 10 seconds, man.

-I-- I dress up in this outfit every year

and hand out presents at orphanages.

-That's Santa's job. Five seconds!

-Cooch, I-- I don't know how to tell you this,

but there is no Santa Claus.

W-w-w-what?

-Who gives us presents every year?

-Me. -Who eats the cookies

and drinks the milk we leave for Santa?

-Also me. -And the stockings?

-Me. I pretend to be Santa on Christmas like many adults.

So... what'd you get me?

A scratching post.

I wanted a dune buggy!

-Well, I want our furniture to last more than a year,

so we had to meet in the middle.

Look, I know this is coming as a shock.

I'm sorry, Cooch.

May I take your bag, sir?

Of course, Bunsen.

Well, what did you get me?

Oh, I--

all I have is this priceless pocket watch

my grandfather gave to me on his deathbed.

You could've wrapped it.

That fucker knew I wanted an Apple Watch!

Hi, big brother!

-Hey, Dudley! I'm not used to seeing you

without your head buried up Mom and Dad's ass!

You're so funny!

-By the way, where are they?

I want to open a present before bed.

I am to play you this.

Hello, boys.

Cliff and I decided to go to Hawaii for Christmas.

If it's gonna be some sort of thing

that we're not there, then, you know,

just grab the remote and press "pause" now.

-So what, it's just me and you? This sucks!

Wait a minute. This means we can open our presents now!

No, Verushka.

It's not Christmas morning yet.

-Why do you hate the holidays so much?

-Christmas is when the memories come.

My brother playing superhero with his new toys.

I had received a limited-edition Burfy.

But brother pretended

it was my henchman, calling me Captain Bad Guy.

He beat me mercilessly...

-...with a stocking full of oranges.

Then he stomped my Burfy to dust

before my eyes.

And now on this Christmas,

the feeling he created

will end him once and for all.

It's called the holiday season

because Americans celebrate many different traditions.

-But Christmas is so obviously superior in every way!

The tree! A day of songs! Gifts!

Hanukkah has gifts.

-And what is the relative quality of these gifts?

We've lost this round.

Run!

-Yeah, I'll call you when I need a wooden top

and some wax, chocolate coins!

Christmas wins again!

-Hey, you mind if we clear some room for my Bendera?

My Kwanzaa flag!

-What on God's Earth is happening?

-Santa ain't real. What's next?

Chalupas?

What was that?

A hidden door?

Could be a dune buggy in there.

"Danger, don't touch."

Well, that was your first mistake,

telling me what to do.

Now it's time to touch all this stuff!

"Gunchucks."

What's dangerous about these?

Hee-hee-skiddle-dee-dee, come on over and look at me.

-"Skiddle-dee-this, skiddle-dee-that,

"take a chance and return my hat.

"Skiddle-dee-do, skiddle-dee-dee,

freedom for me, and a wish for thee"?

Go ahead. Make a wish.

Set me free.

What are you?

I'm Mr. Skibumpers,

the skididdiest Skibumper you've ever skidooed.

What can I ski-dee for ye?

-Yeah, I picked up like none of that.

-Your wish. What's your wish?

Oh. Well, I guess...

Ah-ah-ah.

I'll have my hat first.

* My wonderful Christmas tree... *

-Ah, nothing like a few hours of Bing Crosby

to set the Christmas mood.

-Ranger, perhaps we should also include

some traditional Hanukkah music.

Is someone sacrificing a goat?

-Why don't I slide on some Miriam Makeba?

Get a little Kwanzaa up in here.

-Guys, hang on to your dick bags!

It's a Christmas miracle!

Ho-ho-ho!

Holy holiday shit.

Santa Claus came to town!

-Cookies. -Cooch, you're telling us

that that's the real, live Santa Claus?

-Hell yes! Look at him go after those cookies!

Fanta? What the hell?

Jesus! Sorry, dude!

-I mean, sure, if it was a nice summer's day.

But when you're expecting milk--

This isn't possible.

Oh, really?

-Shit! Is it too late for me to pin one of my socks up there?

-Well, team, I'm off to the orphanage.

What the hell?

-I could ask you the same thing.

Call me sensitive, but I don't find it amusing

when people dress in beard-face.

Oh, shit.

-Yeah, that creepy little doll in your basement

granted me one wish, and I wished for Santa to be real.

-Cooch, no one is supposed to go down there!

That's where I keep the most dangerous weapons

the League has ever encountered!

Skiddle-dee-dee, who me?

Mr. Skibumpers.

Who is Mr. Skibumpers?

I'm glad you asked.

-* There's a place called Skeedle-Dee *

* A few stars past Skeedle Doo

* It's not too far from here

* It's just a universe or two

* You see Skeedle-Dee was boring *

* And that wouldn't do at all

* So I started spreading mischief *

* And was banished as a doll *

* Stranded on your planet

* My freedom had one key

* A mortal's wish gets granted

* And it's Skibumpers time! I'm free! *