Ricky Gervais Alley Cats

Great whites are found in temperate and tropical regions

around the world.

They prefer cooler waters and are often spotted in areas

with high concentrations of prey, such as seal colonies.

Hey, guys. What you up t--

- Ow! What was that for? - What?

Why did you swipe me in the face?

- - I'm a cat. That's what cats do.

- Yeah, but why? - Don't know. It's just what I do.

- What you do? - Yeah.

- Right. - I just do stuff.

I don't.

I do fuck all. Eat shit and die, that's my motto.

- Eat… You eat shit? - No.

Eat comma shit, and die.

- You do eat shit. - I have eaten shit.

- - I've eaten his shit.

- Yeah, lapped it all up, didn't ya? - Yeah, big old lump. Loved it.

All gone. Yum, yum.

All gone in my tum-tums.

- Fuckin' hell. - Oh my God.

We're watching a thing about sharks. Well hard, those bastards.

You know what the most dangerous animal on the planet is, right?

- Easy. Shark. - No.

- What? - No.

- What could beat a shark? - Right, well--

- Killer whale. - No, no, listen.

- Man. - Pfft. What man?

Yeah, what man in the sea bobbing around like a cunt

is more dangerous than a fucking killer whale?

- Or a shark. - I'm not talking about an individual man.

I don't mean that. I mean humans.

- All right. - When I say man… Mankind.

Man and woman, mainly man, is the most dangerous animal

because he's destroying the planet.

- So he's gonna kill all life. - Fuck him, then. Fuck man, then.

- Okay. - When will he destroy it?

I don't have an exact date.

- I mean, not for years. We'll all be dead. - Brilliant.

By that point, actually, this is interesting,

the whole world will be run by robots.

Not interesting at all. Anything you say isn't interesting. Remember that.

You're not interested in what the robots are gonna do?

- No! - Fuck robots!

- Yeah, what can they do? - Now you're interested. You do wanna know.

What can fucking robots do? Interest us.

- Control the weather. - What sort of cunt says "interesting"?

What sort of cunt says fucking interesting?

- "Actually, interestingly…" - In front of us?

Fuck robots up the arse.

- In our lair? - You know nothing.

We don't wanna know nothing! That's how we've survived for so long.

I fucking love living in ignorance.

- Shit for fucking brains and proud. - Yeah.

Always, always eye-opening talking to you guys.

Brown-eye opening.

- Fucking wank off over a robot? - Okay. Great stuff. Great stuff.

I'm not gonna wank off over a robot, thank you.

I'm gonna go home and have some salmon.

In search of prey comes one of the world's deadliest snakes.

- -

Jesus Christ!

It's all right. It's all right. It's gone. It's gone.

In the undergrowth, a mouse braves the shadows to forage for food.

Oh, fucking hell.

- One bite, mate. - I'd torture it first.

Yeah, I'd fuck it.

That's made me hungry, looking at that.

Let's go to the graveyard and catch us some lunch.

- - We pray to thee, our God…

Fuck's sake.

How long does this shit take? Just bury the cunt and fuck off.

- Frightening all the mice. - Here comes your sister, Olive.

She's not my sister. She's my half-sister or cousin or summat like that.

- All right? - Dumb as a bag of spanners.

- Who you calling dumb? - Now you're in trouble.

No, it was a genuine question. She has no idea who I was calling dumb.

Oh. Fuck me, she is dumb.

Who?

- Hey, guys. Sorry for your loss. - What?

- Well, was it someone you know? - Nah.

Just some dead loser who's scaring off all the mice by being buried.

Oh, you're out hunting.

I just had some tinned chicken and rabbit in a rich gravy with added calcium.

Ooh, did ya?

And then did you sit on Mummy's lap and have a little brushy?

- You have pudding after? - I had pudding during brushing.

- Fucking hell. - Oh God.

It can be painful, so it's to take the edge off.

"I'm Ponce. I live in a big house,

and Mummy and Daddy love me and give me fucking gravy."

You have pud-pud?

- "Goo-goo-gaga. Me want pud-pud." - Yeah.

You fucking ponce.

- That sounds nice. - It was.

Why don't you two fuck off and get married, then?

Okay.

No. No, thanks.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah, not… not how it works.

Fucking hell.

John Fletcher.

Born 1940.

- Old prick. - How do you wanna die?

Uh… hand job?

- How would you die of that? - Dunno. I panicked when you asked me.

- Wanna think about it? - I've gone off the idea.

Okay, what, then?

Parkinson's.

- Olive. - What?

- How do you wanna die? - Oh. Um…

I think if I knew I was ill, I'd probably just kill myself.

- How? - I dunno. I'd throw myself off a building.

Yeah, but then you'd be all right.

- What? - You'd land on your feet.

You've only got nine lives. The tenth time I jump off, I'm gone.

You haven't used any of your lives, 'cause you just land on your feet.

- If I jump ten times, the tenth time-- - Try and land on your face!

- Try and land on your face! - I don't think we can.

- Of course we can. - No, it's hardwired.

It's not. If you wanted to kill yourself…

Are you telling me if I went to a building and wanted to kill myself,

I couldn't land on my face if I wanted to?

Instinct.

- You reckon you could land on your face? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Easy.

- Easy-peasy. - How? What would you do?

- Headfirst. - You'd have to tie your legs up.

Tie my legs up. Do what you want, love. Just push me off that building.

So truss you up, then get someone to push you?

- Yeah. - Like a fucking oven-ready turkey, tied…

- How would you jump if your legs are tied? - I wanna be pushed.

- I'll push you. - That's not suicide!

But would you wanna be pushed last minute?

"Oh, I don't know when it's coming"? Bit of a surprise.

What, I'm tied up at the top of a building? Bit of a surprise?

- How do you wanna die? - Big fight.

- Against loads of dogs or summat? - I will take on fucking whatever.

Dogs, iguanas.

- Yeah. - Fucking meerkats.

- Yeah. - Do you wanna know? Bosh!

- Yeah! - Animals go missing all the time, mate.

If you wanna end up on a fucking lamppost, your sad little face looking out.

Bit of A4. A few phone numbers fluttering at the bottom.

- Violence never solves anything. - Course it fucking does.

Oh really, tough guy? When does violence ever solve anything?

When you wanna beat the shit out of someone, so you do.

- Bosh! Problem solved! - Yeah!

Saying "bosh" doesn't mean you're just right.

Oh, fucking hell. Yeah.

Well, Mr. Fucking University Bollocks, welcome to the university of life.

Great university. Where is that in the league tables? Low, I imagine.

"Oh, I'm fucking giving you some fucking stick, yeah?" Have that. Bosh.

- Job done. - What… What job are you trying to do?

The fucking main one.

I'm just saying, then you're in a cycle of violence.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Okay, and you want that, do you? - It's great.

- Hey, what are you doing? - Ground's all freshly dug.

- It's irresistible. - He's only just cold in the ground.

This shit'll warm him up, then, won't it?

- Look at that. -

Easy to maneuver.

- Done. Lovely job. - That's absolutely outrageous.

- So disrespectful. - Good. Humans are filth.

No, they're not. Not all of them. Some of them are great.

Attenborough. Malala. My owners, for example.