Just Before I Go

Love me tender, love me dear

Tell me you are mine

I'll be yours

Through all the years

Till the end of time

When at last my dreams come true

Darling, this I know

Happiness will follow you

Just before I go.

My name is Ted Morgan.

Right now I'm moments away from death.

No reason for you to feel bad, though.

I mean, I don't.

This is actually the first time in my life

that I've accomplished something I set out to do.

And it's fitting for me to die here in Lake Wamsutta

because, to be honest, it's probably the only place

I ever really felt alive.

I used to come here with my dad when I was a kid,

but we didn't come here to fish.

No, we had bigger plans.

See that thing in the sign?

That's Wammy, my hometown's answer

to the Loch Ness monster.

But Wammy was real.

We had actual footage shot by my dad,

plus eyewitness accounts from local alcoholics.

My dad saw the good in everything.

He taught me that the world was a safe and decent place.

Only it wasn't.

He got sick and before I knew it...

he was gone.

My brother Lucky comforted me that day

for the first and only time in his life.

But he couldn't take my dad's place.

Go! Sit! What's wrong with you?!

In the movies, a sympathetic teacher often steps up.

But Edwina Lawrence never went to the movies.

I used my art to express myself

and I showed them.

But then they showed me.

They took my best friend.

My mother never found a man to replace my dad either.

So she fell in love with the King...

named Shirley.

Meanwhile, I was being tortured by the school bully,

Rawly Stansfield.

So when I was old enough,

I moved as far away as I could

and I never thought of Wammy again.

It was a silly thing to believe in anyway.

As you can tell by where I am right now,

life never got much better.

So I went out west where I just blended in.

I worked my way up to a mid-level job

at a mid-level company...

and watched the years go by,

all from the safety of a mid-level life.

Hey, come on. Let's go. Come on.

And then I met Penny. - Here we go.

Wow, he's really heavy.

I'm Penny.

I'm Ted.

For three years, she was everything to me.

Everything I wasn't.

Penny loved life

and I loved Penny.

Unfortunately, so did Nate,

her guitar teacher.

Do you think this is how I wanted it to end, Ted?

I thought that we could grow together,

but you are stuck.

What am I supposed to do without you?

What did you ever do with me, Ted?

You have no passion

and I don't wanna end up like you.

You might as well be dead.

Maybe she was right.

Maybe I should just end it.

After all, there was no one left to talk me out of it.

Even total strangers agreed that I was wasting air.

It was obvious to me.

It was time to punch out.

But I didn't want to go out like this guy.

My life had been a complete failure, sure,

but at least I could get my death right.

I needed to go back to Kempton and confront my own predators.

Just before I go.

Hey, Ted!

Teddy! Over here!

You got shotgun.

Honey! Kids!

They're gonna freak out.

Hey, everybody gather round.

Here. You sit here.

No, no, you stay.

Okay, okay, fam damily.

You all remember your Uncle Ted?

He's my only brother.

He's gonna be staying with us for a while.

- We know, Dad. - Right...

but what you don't know is why.

And, uh... can I be frank here, Teddy?

- Preferably not. - Your Uncle Ted's here

'cause your Aunt Penny, who you only met, like, twice

a hundred years ago,

and now... warning, I'm gonna talk to you

like we're adults now... Is a cunt.

- Okay, I'm a little sleepy. - Now, those of you who know me

know that I don't throw that word around lightly.

It's an ugly word, it's a disgusting word.

Great orifice. Gives us babies,

but it's a terrible word sometimes,

but your aunt is a cunt.

So I never want to hear the word "Penny"

spoken ever again.

When you think you want to say "Penny,"

What if we want to cash in a roll of pennies at the bank?

- Do we say it then? - No.

You look that teller in the eye and you say

you would like some cash for this roll of cunts.

You have my permission. I'll sign a slip or something.

- Luck, come on. - I'm sorry, I digress.

And even though he's been kind of a dick

for barely calling or anything for the past two years,

doesn't matter anymore...

'cause my baby brother's back.

Okay, I'm getting a little emotional here.

And you all know I break things when I cry,

so I'm gonna let little brother Ted speak.

Uh...

Hi.

I know it's been a long time since I've been back here

and just want to thank you guys for letting me stay with you

during this... transition period.

- My breakup with your Aunt Penny... - Cunt.

Aunt... Cunt...

has been difficult.

It's nice to have family to turn to.

Well, Teddy, we're really happy that you're here staying with us.

Honey, enough speeches. Give the man a break.

He just flew 3,000 miles.

- Let's get this man some food. - Ow!

Oh, God.

All right, here we go.

Bathroom's in there.

Your dad said you drew these.

You're talented.

Well, they're shit,

but thanks.

What's with the deadbolt?

You're gonna want to use that.

Dad will tell you.

- Good? - Yeah.

Kathleen?

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kathleen!

What are you doing?

No, don't do that.

That's a bad idea, Kathleen.

It's a bad idea. You should go back to bed, okay?

No! No! No!

My God, it's like you're playing banjo.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, shit.

Lucky, I was sleeping. She just walked in, I swear.

- I don't know... - Shh. You're gonna wake her.

You never wake a sleep masturbator.

- What? - I'll explain in the morning.

Didn't Zeke tell you to deadbolt the door?

Okay, honey, beddie-bye time.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah. Shh.

Oh, hey. Hey, Teddy,

there's banana cream pie in the fridge if you get hungry, okay?

I'm good.

I can't...

Mom, I can't find any clean pants.

- Look in your closet. - Ah, shit!

Oh... I'm sorry, honey.

- What?! - Ugh, for the love of Pete.

Yeah, it's been going on for the past few years.

Every time someone sleeps over, she sleepwalks in there,

starts rubbing her button,

two minutes later it sounds like a chick's hatching.

- Is she seeing a doctor? - They gave her this Zoloft shit,

but she still does all the same crazy sleep stuff.

Wow.

You should see the things she does to me when she's sleeping.

She punches me, slaps me, kicks me.

She took a shit on my pillow right next to my head.

I'm talking this giant rosebud, like, inches from my eyebrows.

I'd kill to wake up and find her knuckle-deep in her own pussy.

Jeez.

I'm sorry, Luck.

Well, fuck it.

Gonna see Mom today?

The Monte Carlo's at your disposal.

I got something I gotta do first.

Dude, you gotta see Mom.