Hello Ladies

Hello, ladies. My name is Stuart.

With me, my best mate Wade right there.

- Hi, Wayne. - Wade.

Wade, yeah, as in Roe vs. Wade.

It's a famous case about a woman's right

- to terminate her fetus. - They know what it is.

There's no need to bring up abortion... until we need to.

My wife just asked for a separation after 11 years.

Getting a bit... ooh, it's getting a bit gloomy again, straightaway.

Maybe head to the bar? Get some drinks?

- No, no, that's okay. - No, that's not necessary.

Please, ladies, it's our pleasure. Get to the bar, sir.

Off he goes. One of the good guys.

Unfortunately, he's forgotten how to talk to beautiful women.

Uh, I, however, have not. Good evening.

- Where are you guys from? - From here.

Can't do anything with that. What about yourself?

Seattle.

Seattle, I love Seattle.

You've spent time there?

Never been, never been.

I just meant from films.

Um, "Sleepless in Seattle."

Uh...

I'm thinking something with Denzel Washington?

- I don't know. - I don't know.

It's interesting, isn't it? 'Cause Seattle is actually

the suicide capital of America.

I don't know if you know that.

No, I think you're wrong.

I think you're wrong,

but let's find out.

Let's settle this once and for all.

Suicide... Seattle.

- We have to get going. - You're gonna go?

Give me your number and I'll text you the answer.

I don't have a phone.

You don't have a phone?

They're leaving?

Yeah, they are leaving, mate,

because, um...

because you brought up abortion

and completely ruined the mood.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Yeah, well, that's what happens.

You know what? I'm not feeling it.

- I'm gonna go. - Okay.

Thanks.

Hello, ladies.

Glenn! Glenn!

Oh, here he is.

All right, what have you been doing,

scrondelling my tenant, you absolute dog?

Put it there, playa.

Is that chicken wings? You mind if I...

Yeah, help yourself.

You must be absolutely famished.

Do you know, I don't think I've ever had sex

and not been hungry afterwards.

Even when I masturbate, I get a bit peckish.

Cool.

So, Jessica told me to shower in here.

Her water pressure's still messed up.

Yeah, yeah. Use everything you need.

There's all the facilities in there.

Got the moisturizers, the lotions.

- Run a bath if you want, mate. - Cool.

Was I too loud earlier?

What, having intercourse with Glenn?

No, earlier.

You didn't hear me on my typewriter?

- Workin' away? - No, I didn't, no.

You know, they have word processers now.

Yeah, it just feels more real.

I completely rewrote my entire web series.

- Wow, really? - Mm-hmm, yeah.

- It's still about globalization... - Good.

but now it's about how it affects us all

on a local level.

Excellent.

- By the way, little bone of contention. - Mm-hmm.

Came in last night.

Front door unlocked. Sliders here open.

Your sliders in your guesthouse open and unlocked.

- What's the story there? - Sorry.

I'm telling you this for your benefit.

I don't want to come home and find you murdered in your bed.

Right, well, thank you for the concern,

but I had to learn jujitsu for a film role once,

so I can defend myself.

Mm, sure. Good luck defending yourself

against some psychopathic murderer built like me...

You're 93 pounds.

If a murderer built like you tried to murder me,

I could destroy you.

You don't think I could murder you?

- No. - Are you mad?

I could fucking murder you, love.

Exactly how would you? What's the plan?

- How would I murder you? - How would you do it?

- You'd like the specifics of that, huh? - Yes, yeah, uh-huh.

I'd rent a place across the street.

I'd be scoping you out for weeks.

I'd sneak in, chloroform over the mouth,

you're straight in the back of my van.

You're dead in a ditch by sunrise,

and I'm home having breakfast with Mother.

She's none the wiser.

So, in this scenario, you live with your mother?

No, she lives with me.

- Oh. - And she locks the doors.

And she plays the bloody rent on time.

- Well... - All right, she's quite a lady.

- Yeah, seems like it. - Like you could learn something from her.

Stop it! Ah!

Call Mother and tell her you won't be home for breakfast.

Oh, come on. That's pathetic. You're a child.

So, I'm gonna head out.

Okay.

We should grab some dinner this week.

Uh, this week's a little crazy for me,

but I'll text you when I come up for air.

Cool. Yeah.

- All right, see ya. - See ya.

What?

I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. Seriously.

- I didn't... - Okay.

Do you want to watch some more TV, or...

Yeah, yeah.

It's like I got this knot in my gut.

Yeah.

I just can't get her out of my head.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night

expecting her to be there.

Yeah, yeah.

On my way to work the other day,

I actually... I just started crying.

Sorry, did you give me money for those waters?

I've been thinking about it and I couldn't remember.

No, I didn't.

I thought as much. Yeah.

Sorry, just a couple more 'cause it's Fiji.

It's the good stuff.

That's it, thank you.

Sorry, what were you saying? You were talking about crying or something?

Yeah, yeah. I was just saying I had to pull over and sob my eyes out.

Well, you're single now. Look at this... Los Angeles.

Yeah? World of opportunity.

You could be having sex with movie stars, if you wanted.

Yeah, right.

It's not like I can just go hop in bed with Sigourney Weaver.

- There'll be someone out there. - I don't know.

I mean, the idea of making love to a stranger,

that just seems empty to me.

Look, Daddy. I got you a flower.

Aw, thank you, baby.

And one for you, Stuart.

Right, yeah, cheers.

I don't know if I can make it out here on my own.

- It seems so lonely. - I'm not lonely.

- Really? - No.

You know, I always think about you eating alone

at that Chinese buffet on Christmas Day.

Well, firstly, the food was delicious.

The service was impeccable 'cause there was no one else in there.

What did you do that was so amazing on Christmas?

Hey, Cass, tell Stuart what we did on Christmas.

Mommy cooked the biggest turkey ever,

and then we opened presents and played games.

Yeah, before you start giving it this, you weren't listening.

Two Chinese men made my lunch.

Mm-kay. Hey, Cass, will you go pick me some more flowers?

Yeah.

You know how this Friday's our anniversary?

Yeah.

I'm gonna be in my hotel eating pizza on my bed.

No, you're not. 'Cause you know what's gonna happen on Friday?

I'm gonna take you out, yeah?

And you're gonna have a steak dinner,

and there's gonna be fine wines,

bowling, my treat, all right?

The bowling.

Oh, there's bowling?

You love the bowling.

We should go to Super Lanes.

We'll do the Lanes if you wanna do the Lanes.

- I'm excited. - Good.

Rory?

- Rory? Rory? - Oh.

I've just got an e-mail from Susan,

and she doesn't want us to use Flash...

so I might need to get you

to work the weekend, I'm afraid.

Hmm.