The Art of Being Straight

Welcome back to the show, everybody!

We got a good show for you tonight, everybody.

Our top story tonight...

The president has signed into bill a new law about vegetable oil...?

That's really gay.

Someone at the door.

[ Refrigerator door slams, bottles clanking ]

- You done left the lady. - We're on a break.

You moved 3,000 miles away. I'd say your break is broken.

So, you keeping in touch with anyone from school?

Yeah, actually. Do you remember Maddy?

Yeah.

She... She called me. I guess... I guess she's out here.

She wants to go out, so...

You are going to love it out here, Jon.

- The women. - Yeah.

You got the couch till you can find a place.

- Salut. - Salut.

Tabula Advertising.

Uh, Paul? Just one moment.

Hi.

So, you're an East Coaster.

Uh, New York, originally, but I went to school in Boston.

I'll level with you.

It's not very creative.

Basically what they're looking for

is someone to be an administrative assistant and work their way up.

I can do that.

So, Boston. Very cool. You, um...

You go out a lot in Boston?

Sure, yeah.

Like, uh... Like clubs?

Uh, bars, mostly.

Like regular bars?

Regular bars.

When can you start?

All right, all right.

I would have remembered that because that was the same night

as run-a-block walk.

What's that?

Oh, um, by the way...

That's Andy's theory that when you're drunk,

you don't know what's going on,

so you can literally run a block and then walk a block,

and it gets you home faster.

I'm going to go ahead and say you're a donkey douche.

What are you guys talking about?

Uh, Matt here seems to think

that this kid that works at the pool hall is a homo.

Bryan, if you like guys, that means you're gay.

Matt, he didn't say anything like that.

Then what'd he say?

He didn't say anything, you dumpy bastard.

It tends to work better when it's not being broken.

Oh, I see.

I couldn't seem to, uh, get it to, uh...

That's when I had it...

- Paul. - Jon.

We'll grab lunch.

[ Indistinct conversations, rock music playing ]

- Jon! Jon! - Oh, God.

Hi! Mwah!

- Hi. - How are you?

- This is Anna. - Hi.

- Hi. - Nice to meet you.

Hi.

So, I'm going to quit that soul sucker of a fucker job tomorrow.

You've been saying that for months, Maddy.

So, what is it you do, Jon?

I, uh... I work at an ad agency.

- Oh. - Yeah, so...

How do you like it so far?

Uh, this executive asked me to lunch.

So, it's, uh... It's, uh, good so far.

Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

How are your women, Jon?

- My women? - Mm-hmm.

Jon always had an unsteady few in rotation back in college.

- Is that right? - It's not right. That is not true.

- That is not... - No?

- That is not truthful. - Don't bullshit.

What girl in our entire dorm did you not try and screw, including me?

So, where are you staying, anyway?

Uh, Andy's.

Oh, God.

It's been fine, really, really.

It's just... I'm just saving up for a place, so...

Mm.

So, uh...

How do you two know each other?

You didn't know?

You didn't think we were going to, like...

Ok... No, I knew.

- I totally knew. - That's cute.

All right, here we go. Check.

Come on, man. - Look at me.

I'm looking at you.

Jon.

Nice!

Get it.

Nice.

Strike.

What are you doing?

- Ohh! - Ohh!

There it is, baby.

Whoo!

That's what we do. We hug in L.A.

He's crazy! Ohhhh!

That was awesome. That was awesome.

Oh.

Cue it up, Andy.

Here we go.

Live it up, baby.

Oh! Whoa!

Matt, look, you think that anybody with a naturally jolly disposition

is gay.

- And... - No. You're wrong.

Another round, boys?

Oh, no, we're all right. Thanks.

Um...

Hey, nice pints.

Nice ass.

You could fucking bounce a nickel off that shit, right into the jukebox.

- I'd bang the snot out of her. - You should.

You should go up, and you should get her number right now.

I'll give you 20 bucks if you go get...

Uh, you... you don't know Jon.

- I know Jon won't get it and... - You don't think I would?

No, I don't think...

I think he's got Sugar Tits in the bag, personally.

You don't think he's going to pussy out?

I think you should just give me the 20 bucks now, look, alright?

- Okay. - Just write out a check.

We'll get back to Andy's.

Move over, bitch.

Did you get her number?

- Yes? Oh, did I... - No, he did not.

Aah! No!

You owe me 20 bucks right now.

He's a freakin' Don Juan Casanova or some shit.

Where did you get this guy?

Oh, that's my boy.

Yes!

Oh, come on!

You... I hate you.

- I hate you! - Are you going to write me a check?

Hi. Aaron.

I just moved in next door.

Oh, you took the dead guy's place.

What are you, an actor?

You here to fill someone else's wet dream of waiting tables for 10 years

just to blow your 15-minute load on a bit part.

Actually, I'm a history teacher.

Of course. I'm sorry. Bad day.

- It's okay. - Maddy.

Nice to meet you, Maddy.

Uh, no dead guy, by the way,

just some bitchy old lady with a farting dog.

Hey, um, you don't happen to know

anywhere around here I could get some...

Marijuana?

Yeah, uh, just next door they usually have some.

- Bye. - Nice to meet you.

So, what's your angle? My angle?

What do you do for fun?

I'm into photography.

I have a friend, um, downtown who runs a, uh, gallery.

Oh, I guess if I sort of just accidentally

gave you some of my photographs, it probably wouldn't...

- Who's your favorite? - Uh, photographer?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, I like Capa.

- Robert Capa? - Yeah.

Oh, he's great. I went to a, uh...

to an exhibit of his a few months ago at the Getty.

Really? I've, uh... I've never been.