Talking Comedy

They called Bob Hope America's court jester.

He was the funnyman who became an institution,

friends with every President from Eisenhower to Bill Clinton

and with everyone who was anyone in Hollywood.

He hosted the Oscars more times than anyone else

and was once the world's highest paid TV star.

But this icon of America was actually born in England,

in Eltham, south London,

which makes him one of Britain's greatest gifts to American comedy.

And, as we'll see, his English roots were something

he'd frequently refer to during his many visits here.

I want to say right here that I was born in England.

I say that in the hope that those of you

who don't have a sense of humour will at least be patriotic.

LAUGHTER

No, it's true. It's true, I was born here in England.

Of course, I was marked for export, but it's a great thing... LAUGHTER

A lot of people don't believe it,

but I first saw the light of day right here in England.

I think I was nine at the time. LAUGHTER

Fog, you know. LAUGHTER

We don't have fog in Los Angeles, we have smog.

That's fog with the vitamins removed. LAUGHTER

But this London fog can really be terrific.

Last year I was here and a fella pulled up alongside of me

at the Savoy Hotel in his car and asked me for directions.

I didn't mind that so much, but I was in the bathtub at the time.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And on the sixth floor. But, in spite of the fog...

In spite of the fog, I like it here. And I know that I'm in England...

I know I'm in England, because this morning

my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yes. I love the tea here.

I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk.

LAUGHTER

You have to drink tea, I've tasted the coffee.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

No, they have coffee here, only they call it petrol.

LAUGHTER

But I've been here many times and I want to tell you it's a thrill

getting back to England, with the crowds cheering me at the airport

people lining the sidewalks,

and Bonnie Prince Charles in the Palace window

waving a little pennant that says, "Go home Yank."

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Of course, I was kind of anxious to get back to London,

because last time I was here I posed for a statue

at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum and I was anxious to see it.

And it puzzled me a little bit the figure,

I just want to know one thing,

do all the wax figures have a wick sticking out of their head?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE And I noticed...

And I noticed my clothes were kind of ragged on the figure,

so I said to the guard, I said, "Why is that?"

He says, "There's nothing we can do about it,

"people keep pushing you side to get a look at Jack the Ripper." LAUGHTER

And, by the way, I have some regards for you people

from some of the British stars working in Hollywood,

Ronald Colman and James Mason.

Of course, Mason is very British, he hasn't forgotten he's British.

In fact, I think that James Mason overdoes the British bit.

When I go to his house, I don't mind the doorbell playing Pomp And Circumstance,

but when the butler makes you face Buckingham Palace

and bow three times, that's going too far.

LAUGHTER

Then, of course, Stewart Granger's doing very well there,

especially in those costume pictures.

And what a swordsman he is, he can really duel I want to tell you.

You can tell he really loves his work, the other day on the set,

he ran ten men through and five of 'em aren't even in the picture.

LAUGHTER

He really went wild that day, the only way they could stop him

was by threatening to send for Errol Flynn.

LAUGHTER

The jokes about fog were ones Bob would return to whenever he was back in England.

The wisecracks about fellow Hollywood stars

were also typical of his material.

He could get away with it

because he was as big or bigger than all of them,

thanks in part to the huge success

of The Road To... films he made with Bing Crosby.

The last of these was 1962's The Road To Hong Kong,

which was filmed here in England

and which led to this appearance on the BBC programme Picture Parade.

APPLAUSE

PIANO MUSIC

Snorkel-head, I'm a little surprised you missed my introduction,

I can scarcely believe my ears.

Quit fooling, you must be used to those side plates of yours by now.

Well, they're very useful, you know, for smoking in bed.

Listen, we're supposed to be doing this shindig together,

what's the delay here? What happened? Well, naturally,

I assumed that BBC stands for Ban Bing Crosby. I guess...

LAUGHTER

Or Bing Buys Canada, or something like that.

Besides, I hadn't finished talking about my supporting cast.

Your supporting cast? Uh-huh.

Oh, you mean that wide rubber thing you grip around your waist. Yeah.

A two-way stretcher or whatever it is. Don't blow your top, Dad,

it wouldn't be the first time that that thatch went into orbit.

No, I have it securely anchored, it's really tied on.

So you listen to me, Jellyroll, you're being very flip tonight. Jellyroll?

Jellyroll?! Now wait a minute. What's come over you?

I've been waiting for ten minutes.

Just remember, I give a very superior performance.

I really think if pressed, if it's demanded of me,

I could sing till the cows come home.

Yeah, and from the noise you make, it sounds like they've arrived. LAUGHTER

Listen, tell me something, what's so special

about your performance in On The Road To Hong Kong?

Well, I happen to be an actor and I can handle any role.

Uh-huh. I'm sure you can as long as there is plenty of ham in it.

LAUGHTER Hey, why don't you tell the folks here

about some of the acting you do in the picture.

Well, you see, I play the part of an unsuccessful variety comedian

with a stupid, cowardly disposition.

Uh-huh. Yeah, and now tell the folks about the acting you do in the picture.

LAUGHTER

Listen, you crumbling comb-over, I'm a great actor.

What's this? I'm a great actor.

I could be another Marlon Brando if I had all my teeth removed.

You could mumble. LAUGHTER

Anyhow, let's save this brawl for later.

In reality, brawling was something Bob and Bing never did.

They had one of Hollywood's closest and most enduring partnerships,

as demonstrated again here

when Bob paid a visit to the Parkinson show in 1975.

How do you find that your humour goes down

with the new generation of Americans,

the young kids? Oh, well, you know,

you wouldn't be on television as long as I've been on it

if you didn't go down. You know, the kids in our country,

they own the knob on the television sets.

Really? Do you know, the kids nine, ten, and 11

are in charge of the knob. LAUGHTER

I'm serious.

They're the ones that turn it on

and the folks say, "Oh, yeah, that's it, huh?"

LAUGHTER

They turn it on most of the places and they go with that.

That's extraordinary. And I saw a little kid the other day,

I was walking through some airport

and a little kid about this high said, "Do-do-do!"

Looked at me. "Do-do-do!"

LAUGHTER

I was Bob Doom! LAUGHTER

It worried the hell out of him who I was.

LAUGHTER

Then I had a woman walk up to me in Dallas...last year,

she was about 80 years old,

she said, "Mr Hope, I've been watching you for ever!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE

Bing told you what happened?

He must've told you what happened to him over here. What was that?

When the woman walked up and said, "Didn't you used to be Bing Crosby?

LAUGHTER

Did he use that line? Yeah.

I love that. It happens all the time.

We've got a message, in fact, from one of your younger fans.

Coming up...on the screen in a moment.

Too young to be let out to come to the show, but on tape.

Hiya, Michael. I wanted to tell you how delighted I am

that you found something for Bob Hope to do while he's hanging around London.

But I want to sing a little song for you now.

# My dear, Michael

# Now that you've got Hope on your show

# There's a few things I must tell you he can do

# His singing's slight

# His dancing very non-descript

# But he'll go out front and entertain the queue... #

LAUGHTER

# ...Old pal, old bean

# By which I mean

# He'll find an ear on which to lean

# Describing with relentless zeal

# His sex appeal which ain't quite real... #

LAUGHTER

# ...But if he does well in this illustrious company

# When he comes back

# I'll let him work for me. #

APPLAUSE

Cute. Thank you. Lovely.

That's something. Isn't it nice that he would stand up for that long?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Isn't that nice?

His orange juice commercials don't come over here, do they? No.

You know, he's been selling Minute Maid orange juice

and he right now,

he's probably just left the factory where he squeezes oranges.

LAUGHTER

Which at his age is an emotional experience.

LAUGHTER