Modern Family

Pameron Tucker, you outdid yourself

on these biscuits and gravy.

They are so tasty, they make you want to slap your mama.

Am I right, Mitchell? Sure. If that's a thing, why not?

Bless your hearts.

I'm fuller than a dog tick.

Hey, just because they do it...

It's the least I could do,

since you'uns opened your home to me

for I don't know how many weeks now.

Three.

I just don't get it.

How could he leave me? I know.

I'm pretty.

There's nothing I won't let him do in the b-e-d.

Hey, sweetheart, you're such a big eater, aren't ya, huh?

I can't believe I got left.

I can't believe I got left.

Left!

So, Pam got left.

Her husband, Bo, took off with half their stuff

when she was out rounding up dazed piglets after a twister.

I'm not kidding.

I insisted she stay with us

so I could help build up her confidence again.

Pam's self-worth has always been tied to the attention of men.

Which, you know, maybe isn't the best thing for Lily to witness.

What are you talking about? N-Nothing.

I'm probably just imagining it.

I'm not imagining it.

It could be him!

That could be him, you guys! It could be him!

Get!

That could be him! It could be him!

That could be him! It could be him!

It's not him.

Wow, this is more reading than I did

in my three years at a two-year college.

I'm thinking chili dog,

just like Pops... May he rest in peace...

Bought me at my first baseball game.

May I be frank?

We have a wiener.

Oh, that's so weirdly sweet.

And it's so cute how your hair never moves.

It's like a LEGO. Mm-hmm.

Hey, I know you!

Coachella, dancing on top of my van.

No, I just have one of those faces that...

It's Haley, right?

Haley, would you like to introduce us?

Um, okay.

Um, okay.

Andy, my boyfriend, this is...

Tom. Tom.

TomTom.

Is that Cherokee?

Uh...

I should...

Bye.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I know that you're a little wilder than I am.

It's one of the reasons I fell for you. It's exciting.

You don't have to say that.

No, I mean it.

You know what? Let's forget about dinner and a movie.

Let's do what Wild Haley would do instead.

Honestly, I've been kind of ready

for Wild Haley to chuck her party pumps in the trash.

For Wild Haley to chuck her party pumps in the trash.

Or give them to charity, blah, blah, blah... whatever.

But if that's one of the things that Andy liked about me,

I wasn't gonna shut it down.

Okay, well, we can start

at this western place where I know the bartender.

If you hang back, I can get us free drinks all night.

It won't look weird, you ordering two drinks every time you go up?

No.

Then let's turn this mother out.

I got pretty lucky

pulling that expression out of my fanny.

I'm not usually so quick with party talk,

but I've always had this fear

that Haley would think I couldn't keep up with her,

that Haley would think I couldn't keep up with her,

so I just tried to survive the night

and not barf on my dad's old church shirt.

Claire?

Claire?

Claire?

Can we watch the movie now?

Honey?

Answer him!

Honey, please. I just have to approve this proposal.

I've been working on it all week.

Oh... my... God.

That's right. Sun never sets on Mama's empire.

No, remember the travel app we signed up for

that gives you the last-minute deals?

Huh?

Huh?

Three nights in Paris, first-class airfare,

four-star hotel for basically nothing.

The flight leaves at noon tomorrow.

We have five minutes to answer.

Wait. You're not seriously considering this, are you?

It's kind of the deal of the century.

Plus, we'd only miss one day of work.

Haley's with Andy. Luke's on a ski trip.

I don't matter.

Oh, sweetie, by the time we got there,

we would be so messed up on the time change,

we would just wander around in, like, a nauseous fog.

Or you could just force yourselves

to stay up all night tonight,

then sleep on the plane tomorrow,

and then when you land in Paris,

and then when you land in Paris,

your morning will be Paris' morning.

There we go!

Lucky for us, the smart one's home.

It's such a sweet idea,

but I am so tired from work this week.

What is more energizing than springtime in Paris?

Baguettes baking, mimes miming, skunks in love.

This is what life is.

C'est la vie, right? Nope.

Joie de vivre.

Better.

Look, someday, watching movies on the couch

is the only thing we'll be able to do,

but right now, let's fire a warning shot

right through Father Time's beard

and spend a weekend in the Eternal City.

And spend a weekend in the Eternal City.

Rome.

Emerald City.

Seattle or Oz.

She knows where I mean, and the clock's running!

You really want to do this, don't you?

We'd be back Tuesday with the story of a lifetime.

Press the orange square.

Pressez-vous le square orange.

Yeah! We're doing it! Aah!

Sorry, sleep! You'll have to wait!

We're setting our watches to Paris time,

which is...

Nine hours ahead.

Okay. Okay, it's 9:30 right now...

Oh, my God! 6:30.

6:30. Oh.

How long's it take to get the makeup off?

I got out of Saigon faster.

You like what walks out the door every morning,

so don't complain about the process.

I got a floor sander in the garage

if it'll open up the bathroom sooner.

Aw, feeling a little put-out, Jay?

It's my bathroom, remember?

Manny, there's no pimple there.

It's the underground kind. I can feel my heartbeat in it.

I retired. I needed a little project.

So I decided to redo our master bathroom.

Yeah, if only someone had told you

Yeah, if only someone had told you

that it was going to be harder and longer

than it looked on YouTube.

Oh, wait!

If you just followed the simple bathroom schedule

I posted in two places in English and Spanish...

Yes, who does that?

Who puts a schedule up for their family?

Uh, don't go in there.

I need to get my vanishing cream. I can't find it.

Must've worked.

So funny, I forgot to...

What happened to the shower?!

It was finished!

I started over. I wasn't loving the grout.

I started over. I wasn't loving the grout.

This is gonna take at least one more week.

Don't upset yourself.

No, you are upsetting myself!

And you're gonna go and sleep on the couch.

Are you serious?

Fine.

What are you doing?

That's fresh tar in there.

You really want to smell that all night long?

I get to make one decision about this bathroom.

The door stays open!

Fine.

Um, in all the bathroom confusion,

instead of my multivitamin,

I may have taken a birth-control pill.

I think you'll be fine.

And anyways, for sure I won't be needing one tonight!

And anyways, for sure I won't be needing one tonight!

It may be the pill,

but I'm feeling a little attacked right now.