The Critic

Hello.

Jay, this is the fox network with a little advice.

At the beginning of each show, why don't you write on a chalkboard like Bart?

And could you change your name to homer?

And wear an 8-foot-tall blue wig like Marge?

And how would you feel about sucking on a pacifier?

It stinks.

Hello, and welcome to coming attractions.

Tonight we'll be reviewing Keanu Reeves in speed reading.

All right, hotshot, you think you're so smart.

Let's see you read this book.

Bogus.

If you read under 50 words a minute,

this book explodes. Ready? Begin.

"One f-f-fish.

Tuwo."

Oh, no. "2... 2 fi..."

Oh, "fish."

"Red fi..."

It's fish, you idiot! Fish!

Dude, now I lost my place.

That was not a clip. That was the entire movie.

We'll also review Jim carrey as our 16th president in

Abe Lincoln: Pet detective.

4 score and 7 years ago...

And now, a rebuttal from the South.

So this is what America really thinks is funny:

A talking butt?

A talkin' butt!

Well, you'll never see me stoop to humor so low.

I think Humphrey's dead.

We're free!

Yay!

No more stupid songs!

Jay, I want a word with you.

Oh, this is embarrassing enough.

Couldn't you speak to me face-to-face?

Doris.

Mr. sherman, I'm here for your publicity photo.

Gotta go!

Jay, you've become an embarrassment to this network.

And wipe that silly smile off your face!

You have to lose weight.

Have you ever considered that you might have cheap, shoddy floors?

Hey, rush limbaugh is 3 floors up, and he isn't having any problems.

Whoa! Whoa!

Hey, rush, race you to the lobby.

I accept your challenge, you liberal cream puff.

Hmm, liberal cream puff.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Children, before your president's physical fitness test,

we have a brief film from the president himself.

In order to keep America strong, we must keep America fit.

That's why I... sir, your lunch is here.

Thank you, George. So you see, kids,

physical fitness is essential...

Whoa!

Sorry, socks.

I'm sure we all appreciate president's Clinton's ground-breaking message.

Now, on with the tests.

Marty sherman, you can't even do one sit-up?

Even the boy from easter island can do one.

I am sorry, Martin. You are not fit.

From now on you must go to remedial gym.

Oh, wait, that's remedial choir.

Oh, what a crummy day.

Now, son, it's not our fault the way we are. We just have fat genes.

I'm not making him fat.

Me neither. Are you making him fat?

Uh, no.

You know, you could do something about your problems

instead of sittin' there like a couple of lazy lumps.

One of these days, Alice, bang, zoom, right to the moon!

You tell her, daddy boy, hey, hey.

Hmm.

Hi. That was me.

Baseball manager Fred mahoney.

And here's how I look today.

My friends used to call me "fatso."

Now they call me "stinky."

How did I do it? Camp mahasapateeya.

It's an Indian word meaning "results may vary."

At camp mahasapateeya,

we welcome adults and children who wish to lose weight.

We offer a scientifically-proven program

of diet, exercise and torture.

Whoops, did I say torture? I meant, uh, macrame.

With delicious low-Cal cuisine,

supervised by our world-famous chef, vlada veramirovich.

I do it because I love you.

Vlada receives $5,000,000

for his services and does not love any of you.

You know, son, that camp sounds like fun.

You and I could spend some time together out in the country.

And maybe we'll lose weight.

Yeah, although I will miss being able to do this.

Passengers for camp mahasapateeya,

the blubber bus is boarding.

Now, don't lose too much weight.

You're perfect, plus 10 pounds.

Alice, this is my ex-wife, ardeth.

Beware, beware, beware!

Ardeth, the judge says you are not allowed to deliver spooky warnings to my girlfriend.

And no hexes, either.

Goodbye, Marty. I wrote you a letter.

You can read it on the bus.

Hi, everybody. I'm Jeff. Welcome to camp mahasapateeya.

Now, I know you've said,

"somewhere under this flab there's a skinny little guy screaming to get out."

Let me out. Let me out.

That's better.

Dad, this is fun.

Look, it's the kids from exorcism camp.

Sound off.

Sound off.

Overeating is but a symptom. Hypnosis will find the cause of your disease.

Now go back, back to where the problem began.

Mama. Mama.

Feed him with my what? I don't even know this person.

Dieting requires inner strength.

You can lose your self-consciousness by listening to nature.

How come that grass is greener?

I feel like a cow trapped in a bull's body.

Do I babble too much? I... I think I babble too much.

yah!

I smell McNuggets.

Chicken McNuggets!

Ooh, my favorite mcnugget of all! Oh! Oh!

Listen up, people, we have a fugitive.

I want a hard target search of every steak house,

pancake house, coffee house, house of pies...

found him. House of pies.

Look at you, Marty. You've hiked 10 Miles and you're not even winded.

Yeah, but I think my dad may be delirious.

Must see... Tom cruise

win Oscar in... My...Lifetime.

You've lost 35 pounds.

Congratulations. See you next month, Oprah.

You've lost 2 pounds.

Yes! Back to my college weight.

Marty, I'm really proud of you. You're our most improved camper.

Good going, son. What a wonderful day.

Hey, look, it's raining toads on the exorcism camp.

You don't belong here, son.

I lost 2 pounds. All from my stomach.

Nice work, son. Maybe now we can get Doris to quit smoking.

I can do this all day.

Tonight, I'll be reviewing Disney's latest feature,

the cockroach king, starring Howard stern.

Behold your king.

Right. I'm your new king. What do you think of that?

Hey, baby, show me your thorax.

The only good thing about this film

is the edible chocolate roaches they gave out.

Mmm-hmm.

Wait a minute. Edible roaches don't crawl.

Edible roaches don't crawl!

Anyway, our next film is the latest from Belgian kickboxer

Jean Paul lepope. Bag boyz 'n the hood.

Hey, you're not my regular bag boy.