King of the Hill

I guess we're finally getting some new neighbors.

I tell you, if that boy handles a football...

half as good as he handles a cardboard box...

Arlen High's got herself a new tight end.

Hey, you think the dad's a good bowler? Yeah, he looks like a good bowler.

Maybe he needs someone to bowl with.

Notice how he lifts with his legs.

I think they're gonna fit in just fine.

Howdy, fellas. What brings you to Arlen?

This family hired us to move their stuff.

Well, I'll be damned. They look Japanese.

No, I think they're Chinese. How can you tell?

Japanese guys usually have glasses...

and a suit and a tie, and stuff like that.

Well, a neighbor is a neighbor.

Let's go over and say hi.

Do you reckon they even speak English?

Yeah, man, them Chinese, you can't understand a word they say.

They just try living all upside down, what-not.

Hi there, I'm Hank Hill, I live next door...

which means I'm your neighbor, and you're my friend.

I think you'll find we have a great little community here.

What do you think of it so far?

I am Kahn Souphanousinphone.

So that's pronounced "Caan," right? Nice to meet you.

What the hell are you trying to do?

So are you Chinese or Japanese?

I live in California last 20 year, but first come from Laos.

Laos. We Laotian.

The ocean? What ocean?

We are Laotian! From Laos, stupid!

It's a landlocked country in Southeast Asia.

It's between Vietnam and Thailand, okay?

Population 4.7 million.

So are you Chinese or Japanese?

This is so very exciting.

It's like we get to travel to the Orient without having to worry about diarrhea...

or being jailed for our pro-democracy beliefs.

At the beauty academy, they teach us...

that people aren't black or white or yellow or red...

but their hair can be.

I'm going to invite our new neighbors to dinner.

We can't expect them to break the ice.

These people are by nature shy and reserved.

I read somewhere that the Chinese language...

has 72 words for "rice," but no word for "friend."

"Howdy, you all."

"Howdy, howdy, howdy." Can you believe this crap?

You want to live in this country, learn to speak English! I'm not going!

- But you promised. - Why go?

I could just stay home, order a bucket of chicken, watch Hee Haw, same thing.

For once, try not to piss off neighbor. We kick out of Laos.

We kick out of Anaheim. I'm tired of running!

Hello, Kahn.

Hank. Oh, damn!

You have damn fine house.

Lead-free since 1988.

This is my wife, Minh, and daughter, Kahn Jr.

And this is Peggy Hill.

On behalf of Arlen, Texas, I would like to welcome you to our country.

Please make yourselves at home, and take off your shoes.

Why? You just shampoo carpet?

Come on, Bobby. Have some seconds. The girl's lapping you.

I've never had beef chop suey before.

Really? Oh, you poor dear.

You know, I read somewhere...

that in certain parts of China...

meat is as scarce as toilet paper.

- Where you read that? - Who can remember?

As a substitute teacher, I have to review all sorts of learning materials.

- Maybe it was on a place mat. - So you're a teacher.

Maybe you can tell me why Arlen test scores are so low.

I know why. It's because Kahn Jr. Not there to bring up average.

My boy here might not be the best test-taker...

but he's got near perfect attendance. Tell them, Bobby.

I hope you all saved some room for my famous Apple Brown Betty.

The recipe's a closely guarded family secret...

passed on from my mother's mother, to my mother, to me.

And someday, I will give it to my Bobby.

- At least the Brown Betty was good. - You must give me recipe.

Oh, Minh, you know I can't do that.

But what I can do is offer you some leftovers.

Here, now just reheat this for 10 minutes at...

I've already said way too much.

Well, y'all come back now, y'hear? That's Texan for "sayonara."

Oh, my! Peggy Hill, what big feet you have! Like boat!

That's just the way God made me.

Look at me! I'm like little girl in Mama shoes!

Okay, bye-bye now!

Honey, she didn't mean anything by it.

You do not come into a woman's home...

and insult her feet! You just don't.

Come on, Peg, remember when you first moved here from Montana?

You called pop "sody pop."

And you thought 93 in the shade was hot.

Our new neighbors are just like you.

All they need is a little bit of time, and Hank Hill to watch out for them.

Well, do you think my feet are too big?

No, there's just more of you to love.

Ow.

Sorry.

Be careful, Bobby. That's one of them Chinese fighting dogs.

No, it's a West Highland Terrier.

- Yeah, that's it. So what's his name? - Doggie.

Yes, Kahn Jr., he's a doggie. Now can you tell me his name?

He's called "Doggie."

And that's called a doggie, too, but her name is Ladybird.

She's a purebred Georgia Bloodhound.

Her mama tracked down James Earl Ray.

Aren't kids great?

They're too young to know about fear or prejudice.

They won't have to learn that till high school.

There's a real lesson here for all of us.

Move, please, you're standing on my hose.

Dad, look, Ladybird and Doggie like each other.

Of course they do, son, they're neighbors.

You know, Kahn, I just found a breeding partner for my Ladybird.

If you're interested in having a real American dog, I can give...

What the hell? Get him off of her!

Your Ladybird, she real slut!

Ladybird is not a slut. She is in heat.

Her hormones have overwhelmed her natural modesty.

For Pete's sake, would you tie up your dog?

You tie your dog. She seduced my Doggie.

That's ridiculous, Ladybird can only love another purebred Georgia Bloodhound.

You know what I think, Hank Hill? I think you a narrow-minded redneck!

Oh, I get it. Just because I'm from Texas, I got to be some kind of redneck!

The Chinese and their stupid stereotypes!

Get off my property!

Sorry, Ladybird, I know you didn't mean...

to have relations with that dog.

But I got to tie you up anyway, if only to protect your virtue and good name.

Man.

Well, hey, look at that.

Maybe Kahn'll let you borrow his sexy little import.

I'd cut my entire quarter acre with a Lady Bic...

before I'd borrow that man's mower. I just don't like him.

- Why? Because he's Chinese? - No.

I thought he was Korean.

What the hell's the difference?

I don't like the man. That has nothing to do with where he's from.

I'm no redneck. He could be from Mars, for all I care.

Believe me, Hank, if Kahn were from Mars, you'd care.

Especially after he's stolen every last drop of Earth's drinkable water...

to transport back to his home planet...

Mars.

Come on, stop dawdling. We have to pick up that pizza...

before the cheese gets cold and the pineapple gets hot.

What's the rush? If we're not there in 30 minutes, it's free.

Peggy Hill!

Wait! Aunt Peggy, it's Minh!

Stop.

Why, Minh, I almost did not see you there.

Peggy Hill!

I feel deeply sorry about dinner.

We get off to bad start. I say things I should only have thought.

Oh, Minh, thank you.

It must've taken a lot of courage to apologize like that.

And I know. I was once the new girl in town, myself.

Me, Kahn, Kahn Jr., have a barbecue tomorrow.

It mean so much if you come.

Well, thank you, Minh. We would be honored to come.

If you need any help with the barbecue...

or if you just want to know what a barbecue is, you give me a call.

Uh-uh, Peggy.

I can't go, I won't. Not after what he said about Ladybird.

Oh, Hank, come on. Minh and I just made up.

We have to go, and if you stay home...

people will think you don't like Kahn because he's Oriental.

That is ridiculous.

I hate the man because he's rude and nasty.

Not because of what his people did to us in WW II.

Hank, I know that. But everyone else, they'll say Hank Hill is a racist.

What the hell kind of country is this, where I can only hate a man if he's white?

Hank Hill, you will go to that party, you will pretend to like Kahn...

and you will drink until you actually do.

Go on.

- Howdy, Kahn. - Howdy, howdy, howdy.

Here you go.

I thought you might enjoy 7.5 gallons of pure, premium propane.

Are you kidding? No, I cook with mesquite.

Give meat nice taste of wood.

And I cook with propane. Gives meat nice taste of meat.

- Hank Hill. - Hey, whatever.

Some cultures like mesquite, some prefer propane.

Doesn't mean we can't all get along.

Just because I happen to sell propane and propane accessories...

Okay, go stick tank on the table. Keep napkins from blowing away.

- Kahn Souphanousinphone. - Okay.

You honor me by giving me gas.

Doggie's just like me.

He's new in town, and he's only got one friend.

Yeah.

But at least you're not tied up.

If I were, I'd just dislocate my shoulders and slip out of the knot.

I'd chew through the leash. I bet it tastes just like a Bible cover.

Hey...

Let's untie him. They belong together.

And it's fun to watch them play piggyback.

There you go, boy. Go play with Ladybird. Be with your true love.