Mike & Molly

That was a wonderful dinner, Mrs. Biggs.

Really delicious.

I don't cook much anymore

because of my Sciatica.

But if giving you kids a nice, hot meal

means I got to endure a sharp stabbing pain

up and down my spine,

then that's the price of admission.

Macaroon?

Are those from the old town bakery?

Oh... those are my favorite.

That's why I got them.

They're a little on the pricey side,

but I guess I can dye my own roots this month,

and Jim can choke down bargain chow.

That was very considerate.

Sorry.

Let me make you a cup of tea to go with that cookie.

Oh, don't go to any trouble.

No trouble. I bought a whole box

of that English breakfast you enjoy,

and I'm not a tea drinker.

I figure if I want brown teeth, I'll chew tobacco.

Well, I-I'd love a cup of tea.

My pleasure.

You got yourself a real keeper there, boy.

I know, mom.

Don't lose interest in her,

like you did the piano lessons,

karate, and that turtle you got tired of feeding.

Okay, what the hell is going on?

What do you mean?

We spent the entire evening with your mother,

and you're not thinking about killing yourself,

and I'm not thinking about killing her.

You know, now that you mention it,

she does seem unusually chipper tonight.

"Chipper"?! Being sweet,

thoughtful and complimentary...

something's very, very wrong here.

I mean, she just told you I was a keeper.

Well, you are a keeper.

I know that. She doesn't know that.

Even if she did, she certainly wouldn't say it in front of me.

I'm telling you, something smells rotten here,

and it's not just Jim's bargain chow butt bombs.

Never saw the attraction to tea.

I always considered it

the beverage of orientals and hippies.

Thank you, Mrs. Biggs.

Call me Peggy.

Why?

That's my name.

Okay...

Peggy. Hey,

what would you think about

you and me getting together tomorrow

and having a bite to eat?

Oh-ho-ho...

That sounds great, but I only get a half hour,

and I usually just eat at my desk.

Well, that's plenty time for us to eat and gab.

Can I bring Jim?

Actually, they don't allow dogs

in the school, so...

Just guns and drugs, huh?

Well, I guess he can stay in the car.

I'll leave a chew toy, and the radio on,

like I used to do with Mikey.

It's a date, then...

Peggy.

Let me get you some lemon for your tea. Hmm?

Thank you.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting whacked.

you're not concerned at all about your mom

and your girlfriend getting together without you?

Why would I be?

No reason.

Just making conversation...

With the stupidest man on the planet.

Why am I stupid?

I don't know. That's for medical science to figure out.

But I do know you don't want your mother telling Molly

about all the twisted things you did as a kid.

I was a pretty normal kid.

I didn't do anything twisted. Uh-huh.

So you never cut the mouth out of a Playboy centerfold,

and had your dog stick its tongue through it,

so it looked like the girl was talking to you?

No. Who would do something like that?

Doesn't matter.

But trust me, women get pretty freaked-out

when they hear your grandma tell that story.

That's not sitting too well with me, either.

So you never did anything embarrassing as a kid,

you don't want Molly to know about?

Well...

I prefer she didn't know I visited the school nurse

once a week, claiming to have a missing testicle.

No, you didn't.

Uh, I was 12, and that nurse was smoking hot.

Had kind of a Phoebe Cates thing going on.

Oh, I love me some Phoebe Cates.

So, did the missing testicle story actually work?

First couple of times she bought into it.

My big mistake was showing up with flowers.

You're a romantic.

And that ain't nothing to be embarrassed about.

You don't think so? Not at all.

But Molly may not find it as charming as you and I do.

Might be a good idea to have a nice dinner ready

for her tonight, just in case

"You got some 'splaining to do."

Good idea.

So that nurse would just root around

trying to locate the missing marble.

Yep. And if I held a cold Mountain dew down my pants,

take her almost three minutes.

Ah... that is genius.

I thought so.

No, seriously, hats off.

I noticed you didn't finish your meat loaf last night,

so I trimmed off the bite marks,

and slapped it between two pieces

of wonder bread. Enjoy.

Oh-ho...

You added the mashed potatoes and corn, too.

I love corn in a sandwich.

So that's where Mike gets that.

Well, you're probably wondering

why I requested this little powwow.

Really hadn't given it much thought.

Other than, "what a great idea,"

and, "why didn't we do it sooner."

Save the syrup.

I just need a little womanly advice.

Womanly advice? For you?

Don't worry. It's not about my plumbing.

There's a man at my church who expressed interest

in spending time with me, socially.

You mean he asked you out on a date?

Don't act so surprised.

No! I'm-I'm not.

Like I'm some kind of bug-eyed troll. No.

I'm surprised you don't get asked out all the time,

is where my surprise comes in.

Uh-huh. Anyway...

He wants to take me to red lobster tomorrow night.

It's all-you-can-eat shrimp Tuesday.

That sounds nice. Do you... like this man?

Eh, he's all right, I guess.

He's a widower,

which means he hangs in there until they tag and bag you.

You got to admire that.

I think this is great.

It's flattering when someone is attracted to you.

Don't drag it through the gutter.

In fact, I told him we're taking separate cars,

in case he imagines throwing a few shrimp at me

entitles him to a free mount.

A girl can't be too careful. Yep.

That's why I sleep with a gun under my pillow.

Throw that in the conversation and you should be just fine.

Anyway,

do you think Mike could be okay with this?

I think he'd be thrilled.

Why?

Well, he's never seen me

with another man besides his father,

and I don't want to confuse the boy.

He's pretty grown up, and...

I know he just wants you to be happy.

Let's just keep it on the sly until we see how it goes.

I mean, I don't want him getting attached to this man,

going to ball games and whatnot,

and then I'm the bad guy

if I have to kick him to the curb.

I won't say anything to Mike,

and you tell him when you're comfortable.

He's going to wonder why I asked to have lunch with you.

Mm, I'll just tell him that you...

Wanted to get to know me,

because you thought it was important

that his two best gals become friends.

Nah, he'd never believe that.

Tell him I came to you to learn to read.

It's my secret shame.

Well, hopefully he won't ask.

Hey.

Hey, sweetie!

Let me help you.

Aw, thanks. What smells so good?

That would be my world-famous five-alarm chili.

You cooked?

Well, you cook for me all the time.

It seems only right that I should cook for you.

And I haven't always done the right thing in my life,

but people change.

Yes, they do.

I'm not the same guy I was when I met you,