Rick and Morty

Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens

for a broken defraculator.

That is multiphase quantum resonator.

-Well, does it defraculate? -Fuck no.

Then… Then… Then it's a broken defraculator.

Like you would even know dick about fraculation!

Your planet just got cellphones,

and the coverage still sucks!

Yeah, yeah, and your species eats sulfur.

So, let's say 60 smidgens.

I tell you what… I'll do you a favor.

I'll throw in a fart.

Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think

maybe I could get something from this place,

like a souvenir, like, just to have…

Like, something cool, you know?

Not here, Morty. We'll stop somewhere else.

Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop.

Oh, okay. I just, um…

You know, I thought that robot over there

looked pretty cool, you know?

Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?

Yeah! You know, I mean

it's different from the stuff on Earth,

and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places

across the galaxy,

and, you know, I don't really have anything to…

To remember all those trips by.

It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.

You know, like, what if you passed away

or died or something?

I wouldn't even have anything to remember

all the cool stuff we did, you know?

Okay. Sixty for the resonator,

and my grandson wants the sex robot.

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening?

I'm not saying that's a bad idea… just asking.

Rick, why would you let Morty

bring that thing into our house?!

I don't know. What do you want from me?

He thi… he thou… He thought it looked cool.

You know what I mean?

Whew!

All right.

Back to… Back to… Ba… Back upstairs.

- -

Well, I'm intervening.

Intervening with puberty?

You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in Red Dragon.

He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him.

Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low?

Um, Rick, could you come with me, please…

Qu… Quickly?

Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.

Where's the sex robot, Morty?

That is Gwendolyn… I… I mean, the robot!

She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away!

Strange… that's usually the man's job.

You know what I'm talking about, Morty?

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Morty!

That's my catchphrase, remember?

Remember… Remember how I… How I cemented that catchphrase?

All right. All right, seriously, though,

let me grab this thing.

Come on, you… rascal.

-Okay, unacceptable! Oh. -What is going on?

- -All right. Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh"? What is that?!

Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed

for more than long weekends.

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber.

Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker,

and that there's half Morty, half

who… who knows wh… what?

It's my bad, guys. I'll… I'll take care of it.

-Grandpa Rick, no, no! -Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What do you think you're doing?!

Hey, listen… you guys quarantined the house

when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware.

I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS.

We gotta be careful.

I lost the chance to be careful, Rick.

I'm a father now!

You know, it's time for me to be responsible.

-Isn't that right… -Don't name it.

-…Morty Jr.? -Oh, crap. He named it.

Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human.

And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to…

Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake.

Don't punish us for it.

Fine.

I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate.

Do not let that thing out of your sight.

It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous.

Like The insane Clown Posse.

Yeah. Good one, Jerry.

2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.

Ohh. He's like a little me!

Yo… You don't think he'll turn into a monster… do you?

They always do.

Hey, uh, 1995 called!

They want their "certain year called

wanting its 'blank' back" formula back!

Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort?

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

-Out. -Whatcha doin'?

Well, I can't solve the problem my way,

thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups.

Gross. I might have just touched one of Morty's loads.

But maybe I can find suitable parents for Morty Jr.

On this robot's home world, which is…

Gazorpazorp in the Andromeda system.

-Scoot, Summer. -Don't you need a new companion

now that Morty's in the family way?

I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer.

Oh, right… because there's something about having a wiener

that would make me better at walking through a hole?

- -Oh, crap.

Grandpa Rick! Ugh!

Help! Help! Aah! Aah!

Aaah!

-Grandpa Rick! -Still think it's a good idea

to go through holes without a wiener?

-I want to go home. -Yeah, no duh.

Ugh!

Great. Now I have to take over a whole planet

because of your stupid boobs.

-You're doing great, Morty. -Really? You think?

I mean, I'm not doing much of anything.

What do I do if it cries?

Then you put it down and let it cry itself out.

Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer,

and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

She's gonna strip for attention

because she was denied it.

Stop filling it with your own insecurity.

You're gonna turn it into Morty…

Uh, mm… more… more… more of you.

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles

by a mentally ill scientist.

- -What the… aah! Aah!

Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior.

Knock it off, both of you!

Gi… Give me him! Give me my baby!

You're both nuts!

I'm gonna raise Morty Jr. Myself!

Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty.

At least we can agree on that.

-Thanks, Dum-Dum. -

I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more.

Summer, put your burka on!

That burka is a human-rights violation,

and I spent a lot on this top.

Look, I'm trying to repair a po… portal gun

with a bunch of sex-doll parts,

and I have to do it one-handed

to keep these Belushis from carting you off.

The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender.

Ugh. What's the deal with this place?

Why is it such a sausage planet,

and how did such backward idiots invent robots?

Obviously, at some point,

the Gazorpians became so evolved

that they replaced females with birthing machines.

The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking

allowed them to focus entirely on war,

so they bombed themselves back to the stone age,

and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy

with sticks and rocks all day long.

You think it's efficient to get rid of women?

You ever see a line for the men's room?

Are you hear… do you li… Do you hear me, Summer?

- -Droppin' loads.

Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads.

The plot thickens.

Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer.

Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

Yeah, baby!

Summer, grab… grab hold.

Yeah, baby!

Grandpa Rick, where are we going?

Well, obviously, Summer,

it appears the lower tier of this society

is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology

by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?

Ticketmaster.

Oh, there… there we go, Summer.

Hey… Hey, brother. Hey, bro.

Nice racket you got going on here.

Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137.

Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace.

It's all cool in the, uh… "good in the neighborhood"

is what I was trying to come… Is what I meant.

Oh, I get it…