Blackadder II

Go away!

My lord, there is someone at the door to see you.

- What time is it? - Four o'clock.

You mustn't let me sleep all day. This woman charges by the hour.

No, my lord, it's four o'clock in the morning.

Someone wants to see me at four in the morning?

- What is he, a giant lark? - No, he's a priest.

Tell him I'm Jewish.

Aren't you going to introduce me, then?

Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?

Baldrick, I'm delighted to introduce you to...

- Sorry, I've forgotten your name. - Mollie.

- This is Mollie. A dear friend. - I'm not dear.

I'm very reasonable actually, Baldrick.

Most would charge an extra sixpence for all the things he wants to do.

Baldrick, this is Mollie. An inexpensive prostitute.

Mollie, this is Baldrick. A pointless peasant.

- What about the priest? - Tell him to get out of here.

If he comes begging again...

...I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells...

...who drowns babies and eats them in the vestry afterwards.

Very good, my lord.

- Bye, Baldrick. - Bye-bye, Mollie.

Get out!

When you should be whispering sweet nothings like:

"Something twice the size of the Royal Barge has hove into view"...

You don't say a word.

But enter the Creature Of The Black Latrine and you won't stop jabbering.

He was treating me like a human being.

If I wanted a lecture on the rights of Man, I would have slept with Martin Luther.

Yes, Baldrick. What is it now?

The priest still wants to see you.

Did you mention the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells?

He said: "I am the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells!"

Good lord!

- You haven't got any children? - No. I'm not married.

In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business.

Do you know what day it is today?

It is exactly one year ago...

...that the Bank of the Black Monks of St. Herod,

"Banking with a smile and a stab", of which I am the assistant manager,

lent you one thousand pounds.

Our motto is: Repayment or Revenge.

Of course, and naturally I'd have paid you back, but...

I've gone and lost my wallet.

Disastrous! It had all my little notes saying:

"Forget ye not" and, of course, all my money!

That's no concern of mine. The debt is now due.

Not to repay a loan is a sin, and we Black Monks, we hate sin!

Your Grace, this is my mother. Mother this is...

Good morning, my dear.

I hope you haven't forgotten our appointment.

Of course not, Pumpy!

You know, I have a mind to play "Nuns and Novices".

- So don't forget your wimple. - OK!

And, as for you, you come with me.

- Where? - To visit the last poor fool who...

...lost his wallet!

"William Greeves: born 1513 in Chelshood with the love of Christ."

"Died 1563 in...

...agony with a spike up his bottom."

'Tis ever with the Black Monks!

Scream and gurgle as they skewered his catflap for want of a farthing!

I think you get my message.

Tell me, Bishop, let me just test the waters here, so to speak.

Supposing I was to say to you:

I'm a friend of the Queen's and I think she would like to hear...

...about you, Mollie and the wimple. Why don't we just call it quits, Fatso?

I would say, firstly, the Queen would not believe you.

And secondly, you'll regret calling me Fatso later today!

I will have my money by Evensong tonight or...

Your bottom will wish it had never been born!

Poor Tom's cold! Pity poor Tom for his nose is frozen.

And he does shiver, and he's mad!

Oh, shut up!

So, lads. I'm up a certain creek without a certain instrument.

Either I raise a thousand pounds by this evening, or I get murdered.

It's obvious. You'll have to get murdered.

- You'll never raise that sort of money. - Come now, Baldrick.

A thousand? Pay the fellow, Edmund, and damn his impudence.

I haven't got a thousand, dunghead! I've got 85 quid.

You're always boasting to the Queen about how wealthy you are.

A cunning web of deceit, subtly spun about the court to improve my standing.

- Do you mean you've been... fibbing? - Yep.

My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers.

I consider myself one of England's finest liars.

A giant hummingbird is about to eat your hat and cloak!

You see? I'm terrific at it.

It seems to have gone now.

Couldn't you just dip into the family fortune?

My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur dramatics.

At the end he was eking a living doing impressions of Anne of Cleeves.

Edmund, I am sorry. I had no idea.

I have some small savings harvested from my weekly allowance...

...set aside against my frail old age.

But lucky haps, it is just over a thousand...

...and has been hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock...

...under the squeaky floorboard behind the kitchen dresser!

- You've seen it! - Seen it, pinched it, spent it.

The same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he has hidden.

Then you are doomed. Alas.

For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet...

...and tell sad stories.

When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit about.

You won't be able to sit with a spike up your bottom.

But still, I've got 85 quid and that's a start.

I'll think of something as long as I'm not disturbed.

The Queen dost demand your urgent presence on pain of death.

The path of my life...

...is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd!

- Madam, you sent for me. - Did I?

I can't remember.

What a naughty scatterbrain I am! Zap!

Well, perhaps, Ma'am, if I might be allowed to withdraw.

Certainly.

- That was a terrific joke, wasn't it? - Magnificent!

What, my Lady?

I do know why I wanted to see you, I pretended I didn't. I fooled you.

And it worked brilliantly, didn't it?

It was terrific, Madam.

I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split.

So, why did you want to see me?

To crack the lovely joke.

Or perhaps you don't think the Queen's jokes are funny enough?

Au contraire. I'm ecstatic about the whole incident.

I didn't laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did...

...my head would've fallen off.

If you don't start soon, your head will fall off!

Now pay Melchy his 85 pounds and run along.

- 85 pounds? - We had a bet.

I said you wouldn't fall for my trick, Melchy said you would...

...because I'm so super and you're so stupid.

You owe him 85 pounds.

Fine, fine. I mean, it's only money, isn't it?

I cannot believe it! She drags me all the way from Billingsgate...

...to play about the weakest practical joke...

...since Cardinal Wolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court...

...and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door.

Shut up, Baldrick. You'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy.

Edmund! I've awaited your return.

And thank God you did, for I was thinking:

I die in 12 hours. What I really need now is a hug from a complete prat!

But fear not, I have a plan to save the life of my dear friend.

Look, I'm not interested in your friends! What about me?

Not bad, Edmund. That's a good one.

What's your big plan, blockhead?

I intend to discover, this afternoon, the secret of alchemy.

The hidden art of turning base things into gold.

The fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent people...

...doesn't dampen your spirits?

Oh no. I like a challenge.

Well, Balders, I lost 85 quid.

The grave opens up before me like a... big hole in the ground.

Well, I did have one idea, my lord. But it's stupid.

What is it?

I have heard there's good money to be made down the docks.

Doing favours for sailors.

Favours? What do you mean?

Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?

- Not quite. - Baldrick!

Are you suggesting I become a rent boy?

Well, a good-looking bloke like you. Posh accent, nice legs...

Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and make the old sign.

I'd rather die.

That's all right then. I'll put the kettle on while we wait.

On second thoughts...

With a slight alteration, your sick and sordid plan might just work.

Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny.

- A penny?! - All right then, tuppence!

- Oh, all right, go on. - Nothing fancy, just a peck.

I miss my mum, you see. When I was little, my mum used to...

Look, get a move on. He's a prostitute, not an agony aunt!

Just a little peck on the cheek, and say:

"There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss it better and you shall have a story."

Well, I don't know. Do you do requests, Baldrick?

- Kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game. - Go on, please.

I miss my mother so much. I mean, she was like a mother to me!

I've forgotten what I'm supposed to say.

There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss it better and you shall have a story.

- What kind of story? - One about a squirrel, I suppose.

And then Squirry the Squirrel went...

And they all went home for tea.

Thanks very much, me ol' shivering mateys!

How much do you charge for a good hard shag?

- A thousand pounds. - You've got to be joking!

Well, I'm sure we could negotiate.

Right, so we've got sixpence.

All we need to do, my lord...

...is to go down the cockfights and put it on a bird that's a dead cert...

...but has got odds of forty thousand to one.

- Know you of such a bird? - No, but we could make one.

No, we couldn't, Baldrick.