Dirty Work

Hand it over.

Hand over the milk money, Weaver.

- I'm afraid I can't do that, Derek.

I'm just not sure you'll spend it on milk.

That's me, Mitch Weaver.

That's Sam, my lifelong best friend.

I never had a dad growing up,

so Sam's dad, Pops, tried to fill in a little.

He was a boxer, real tough guy.

- The most important thing to remember in life,

no matter where you go, no matter what you do,

don't take no crap from nobody.

I never liked the guy,

but he was right about not taking crap.

- Wow, my dad sure is great.

- Hey, do you know where he hides his guns?

Don't worry.

We just planted the guns in the bully's desk

so he'd get in trouble.

It wasn't me!

Let me go!

They weren't mine!

We always did stuff like that

to get back at people who messed with us.

Like, there was this crossing guard

who used to grab all the kids' asses.

Back then, people weren't on the lookout for that kind of thing.

The only way to nail a guy like that,

was to catch him red-handed.

That's where the super glue came in.

- Hey, look everybody!

Crossing guard's grabbing eight-year-old's ass over here!

Look, everybody! Look!

Crossing guard's grabbing eight-year-old's ass over here!

And we really got back

at this ornery babysitter we didn't like.

After all these years,

this picture still makes me horny.

I mean, wistful!

It, it makes me wistful!

When I was 16,

the saddest event of my life occurred.

My mom died.

Everyone did their best to console me,

particularly Aunt Jenny.

It wasn't easy,

'cause I'm not comfortable expressing my...

Whaddaya call them, eh, emotions?

Anyways, I learned to express myself in other ways.

I started making little notes to myself.

Note to self.

Remember, Aunt Jenny is your aunt.

In high school, I still

didn't take crap from anyone,

man or beast.

Like, this Doberman would always chase us.

So we borrowed my cousin's huge German Shepherd,

who also happens to be gay.

Taught that Doberman some humility.

Then there was this character we had to deal with.

She thought just because she was a meter maid,

that she had the right to go around,

giving everybody parking tickets.

That's where the popcorn came in handy.

As a matter of fact, we used food items a lot

to get back at people we didn't like.

Hey, kid!

This is football team parking.

No, it isn't.

Football team parking is in your mother.

To teach those football players a lesson,

we sent them a dozen of our specially prepared donuts.

Unfortunately, the cheerleaders ended up suffering too.

Boy, those were the days.

But then something happened.

I grew up.

- Okay, 132 Highfield Avenue in three minutes.

I can make it.

I can make it.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Hi, there.

- So, thirty minutes or free, right?

And you took thirty-two minutes.

So close, and yet so far.

- Gimme a break, pal.

That free pizza comes out of my paycheck.

- Well, that doesn't seem fair, does it?

- So then, the guy says,

"If you want the money for this pizza,

you tell Aldo and the rest of those sweaty Italian fruits

to come down here and get it from me themselves."

Oh, and also, he started saying all these nasty things

about that Mussolini character.

Mitch, the guy called.

I know you didn't make it on time.

- Look, Aldo, none of the other pizza places

have the thirty minute thing anymore.

Can't we drop it, too?

- Oh, you think we should drop the thirty minute guarantee?

Yeah.

- You think Aldo's should be just like all the others?

Mitch Weaver, you're not fit to wear this shirt.

Hey.

- Hey, that's my Canadians jersey!

- You have anything in a 10½ wide?

- Toni-Ann, what are you doing?

- I've had it. Uncle Aldo called.

He told me he fired you.

That's your fourteenth job in the past three months!

I can't take it anymore!

- Hey, honey, I understand you're upset.

Hey, maybe you'd feel better after we have some dirty sex.

Forget it!

I'm through wasting my life with you.

Goodbye!

- What about the rest of my stuff?

Your stuff?

There is no, "your stuff".

I have paid for everything in this apartment.

- Hey, wait a minute.

That's not true.

I paid for the popcorn machine.

'Sup, fruity?

Hey, ass-bite.

- So, by the looks of this popcorn machine,

I'm guessing she tossed you out for good, huh?

Yep.

- I passed your car back there.

It's a pretty nasty flat, but I think I can fix it.

- Thanks, Sam. Listen, I was wondering, uh,

could I crash with you and your dad for a while?

- No, I'm gonna turn away my best friend

so he's gotta go sleep in his car.

Come on.

- Hey! Hey, that's my shirt!

Hey, you're wearing my shirt!

Here.

Here you go. - No, no.

No, that's all right.

I was talking to somebody else, that's different than you.

Two, three, and straight up.

Press those knees straight.

And again. Take it down.

Two, three, and lift it.

Up. Good.

And again. Press down.

- Hey, Pops, how you doin'?

- Eh, pretty good, son. Pretty good.

But it'd be going a lot better if you'd brought me a whore!

- I thought you couldn't, uh, yunno...

- Uh, I can't, but uh...

I subscribed to this new magazine, it gave me a few ideas.

There's an article in here about home stereo equipment, too.

It's for you. - That's great.

Listen, uh, I'll be right back,

all right? - Yeah. Yeah.

Hey listen, Mitch,

could you do me a favor?

- Sam, I'm not gonna buy your dad a whore.

Not that.

Could you stay with him for a while?

What's the matter?

- Sam, you know how I feel about your father.

I'm uncomfortable around him.

I mean, he's kinda, I dunno...

creepy, yunno?

He creeps the hell outta me, to tell you the truth.

- Yeah well, he likes you.

Yeah, alright, just look,

I gotta go call somebody to borrow a jack, alright?

So just stay with him for a while.

All right.

You feeling okay, Mr. McKenna?

- Oh hey, don't worry about me.

Yunno, I just want to thank you

for spending a little time with me, yunno?

- Oh well, no problem. - Yeah, yeah.

I also wanna say I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

- Well, for being a, uh, creepy old man.

I apologize, you rat bastard!

You'd say those things about me, huh?

Pops, Pops, Pops!

Come on, let go!

- Get outta here, Sam!

- Get the hell out of here! - Let go!

- I'll kill this bastard! - Oh, come on. Let go.

- I can still hear, you know. - Let go! Let go!

- No matter how creepy I look!

- It's Mitch! Let go!

Alright, take him.

Everything's just falling apart.

Sam, you remember how things were when we were young?

- Yeah, it was great.

Yeah, it was.

I mean, I felt good about myself back then, yunno?

If somebody messed with me, no problem.

I didn't take crap from anybody.

Now I'm in my thirties,