Carter

All right, try it again.

Did you even look at the engine before you bought this thing?

No, but the guy said it once belonged to Val Kilmer, so...

Oh, well even Val Kilmer can't drive with a busted starter engine.

Why do you hate Val Kilmer?

Hard to believe they're finally replacing you on Call Carter.

Whoa. Nobody's replacing me.

- Nobody used the term "replace." - Oh yeah? What word did they use?

They can call it whatever they want. I quit them. Remember?

I loved my time on Call Carter,

but that's in the rear view, and I'm fine with that.

All right, as long as you're happy, buddy.

Of course I'm happy.

If I wasn't, I wouldn't have agreed to take this new kid on a ride along

and show him how a real detective operates.

Oh, here he is now.

Hey, who is this guy, anyway?

Some kid they found doing dinner theatre in Minneapolis or something.

I'm gonna give him the kind of leg up every newcomer deserves.

- You have a big heart, Harley Carter. - I've got a big everything.

- Okay. Except for ankles. - Do not have big ankles.

You know there's no exercise that properly targets the anks?

- Harley! My main man! - Vijay!

- What's up, squirt? - Nothing much, nothing much.

Surprise!

David Arquette?

Look. They were gonna go with a no name,

but at midnight last night, David Arquette said he would be willing

to take the part if they backed a money truck up to his house.

My understanding is they literally backed a truck up to his house.

No, it's...it's fine.

It's just not where I would have gone casting-wise, but...

- I'll help out any way I can. - Okay, good.

You're a big man, Harley Carter.

Harley freakin' Carter!

Oh! I cannot wait to pick your brain.

I'm gonna get so deep inside there, I'm gonna impregnate your soul.

- All right, I'm off. - Whoa. Where are you going?

There-- there is trouble

on the set of Lady Cop, so I gotta go to that.

I just... I'll see you in a couple of days, okay?

I'm Dave. I'm a huge fan.

You were the best part of Scream 2, hands down.

- Have to say. - Thanks!

I can tell you're a fan by the crazed look in your eyes.

But listen, I brush my teeth just like you do.

I just have a little guy there named Mr. Pippers who holds my brush.

- So this is where the magic happens. - Yeah.

The beating heart of law enforcement resides behind those doors.

Small town PD.

What, do you guys have one gun and just pass it around?

Hey, I can teach you what I know, but you need to check that attitude.

This is a place of work. A temple. Respect it, and it will respect you back.

I got it. Respect.

Let's do this!

What up, Bishop?

David Arquette in the house!

Hey, it's David Arquette! Hands off!

David, David!

Is that what it was like when you came back?

It was way worse, I was just never into that stuff.

Love and adulation?

No, I was always about the work. Always about the work.

Get your hands off me! It's David!

That's the no name replacing you on your TV show?

Whoa, nobody is replacing anyone

and yes, it's David Arquette.

All right, guys.

- Does anybody have any work to do, or... - You should probably get back to work.

Come on. No...

I need some me time, all right, guys?

I'll get to each and every one of you, I promise.

- Who are you? - Oh, Detective Shaw.

Harley never told me that you were replacing him on his show! What?

It's David Arquette!

The golden age of television meets the golden age of Arquette it's perfect.

Although we're gonna make the show a lot grittier this year.

Like, real stories from the streets, not like,

what they were doing before.

Totally.

- Heh, yeah. - We were a top 30 show

on WGN America every year I was there so we must be doing something right.

Yeah, but you know that old saying,

if everyone loves you, you must be doing something wrong?

So I'm just here to ride along and learn from the pros.

Like you, for instance.

Wow, I thought you were here to study Harley.

Nah, I get inspiration from everywhere.

- I'm an artist, you know? - Yeah.

I can't turn it off. God just...

made me too talented. Yeah.

- I don't know if that's arrogant to say-- - Yes.

Watch this.

Who wants a lap dance from David Arquette?

So this is where the party's at?

- Simone! - Hey!

How are you? What's up?

- I want some of this! - Oh my! The shirt!

Look at that print! Oh my goodness.

What are you doing here?

Did I just hear somebody yell "It's David Arquette?"

Oh, yeah, it is David Arquette. So lame, right?

Have you seen that boy wrestle in his teeny-weeny man panties?

Lame is not the word I'd use.

- Wrestling is fake. - Oh...I'm guess I'm leaving now.

Give us a minute.

Simone's back!

- I haven't heard from you in months! - You don't return my texts?

I have to rely on social media to know if you're alive!

- See? Now that's a greeting. - So what happened to-- what...

Where was it?

- Miami? - Miami?

Girl, it has been a long time since we've talked.

Buy me lunch and I'll give you the whole story?

- No, I can't, I'm at work. - Same old Sam. What time do you get off?

- When work is done? - Okay.

- Let's meet later. - No, I'm not staying at your place.

- Of course you are. - Absolutely not.

- No! I'm not staying at your house, Sam! - Of course you are! Are you kidding me?

- Remember last time? I was trying - You're staying at my place.

- to redecorate and you freaked out - You're staying at my place!

- and cried. - I am not debating this.

All right, get some rest. And I will see you tonight.

Just 'til I figure out where I'm going to stay.

- Welcome home. - What's the Wi-Fi situation?

- We were having such a nice moment. - Well, it was so slow last time.

- Why do you do that every time? - I've gotta download my shows.

"To Mrs. Rafalski, stay sexy!

Deputy Dewey."

Scream is my wife's favourite movie, she's gonna flip!

Well, that's the right reaction.

Hope you get some!

All right, everybody.

Mr. Arquette is our guest, and I know it will be an inconvenience, and...

annoying at times,

but let's give him whatever he needs and show him what great hosts we are.

Well, I'm just here to see how real cops...

get 'er done!

That's not funny.

You know, in Hollywood, we get a lot of awards,

but I want you to know what you're the real heroes,

give yourself a hand!

Now let's go save a cat from a tree or give a lawnmower a ticket,

whatever backwoods nonsense you do around here!

Listen up! Got a report of a body washed up on Collins Sound.

Oh...drowned and found.

Drowned and found.

Nice one, David Arquette!

Keep 'em coming.

Is it okay if I hate him just a little bit?

He may be a pampered Hollywood star, but over the next two days,

I'm gonna turn David Arquette into a true detective,

even if it kills him.

Don't you mean "even if it kills you?"

I know what I meant!

Carter

Unbelievable.

Come on...

- Yeah, let's do this! - Dude, where have you been?

- I've been here fifteen minutes. - I had to change.

- You had to change for this? - Yeah, it's my crime scene look.

Unbelievable. Okay, whoa. Careful.

Easy there, okay? This is very important, crossing the tape.

You mess this up, it ruins the whole scene.

- Okay. - My technique...

I like to use hand, neck, body follows. Okay?

Hand, neck, body follows, step. Try it.

Hand, neck, body follows.

- Step, that's it. - That's it? Okay.

Very important.

Rafalski!

- What is this? - That's crime scene tape.

To secure the perimeter of the crime scene.

How many times have I told you, this is way too tight!

No one else complained.

He's here!

Hey, everyone, can you just stop what you're doing for a sec?

It's an old Hollywood tradition that the lead gets the crew

something extravagant on the first day.

Just to establish loyalty and dominance, so I got you a coffee truck!

Yeah, guys! So help yourselves, and remember!

Don't spill anything on your costumes, these wardrobe girls will kill ya.

- Did you cater a crime scene? - Yeah, you don't?

No! This is not a set!

- These are not actors, they're people. - Tell me about it!

We should cast some real hot cops for some motivation.

Okay, listen up.

Welcome to "Dead Men Tell Some Tales" theatre.

So, storm surge brought the body up on the beach,

but we do not believe that the deceased drowned.

If he had, he would have been bloated once he resurfaced.

This man was dead before he entered the water.

Okay?

Yeah...oh yeah.

Okay...All right, yeah.

We're circling.

We're scrutinizing. We're letting the body tell us a story.

Talk to me, baby.

Oh, yeah.

- Everybody's staring at us. - It's okay.