Tales from the Crypt

AAA! HA HA HA!

AAA! HA HA HA!

DAMN! I LOVE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!

YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOUR OLD FRIEND THE CRYPT KEEPER

WAS THE BOO-IT-YOURSELF TYPE, DID YOU?

I'M ACTUALLY PRETTY HANDY WITH MY LITTLE GHOUL BOX.

HERE'S A BOOKSHELF I JUST FINISHED

FOR MY DIEBRARY.

OVER THERE'S A STAND I MADE

FOR MY NEW BIG-SCREAM TV.

AND HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE I'VE BEEN WORKING ON.

IT'S A NASTY NUGGET ABOUT AN UNPLEASANT YOUNG MAN

IN THE MEDICINE BIZ

WHO'S ABOUT TO GET A DOSE OF HIS OWN.

I CALL TONIGHT'S TALE THIS'LL KILL YA.

I CALL TONIGHT'S TALE THIS'LL KILL YA.

HOLY SHIT!

HOLY SHIT!

I'M DEAD...

AND THIS IS THE GUY THAT KILLED ME.

AND THIS IS THE GUY THAT KILLED ME.

O.K., BUDDY. JUST RAISE YOUR HANDS.

KEEP THEM WHERE I CAN SEE THEM.

GO AHEAD AND SHOOT ME NOW.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU SEE, I'M DEAD ALREADY.

YOU SEE, I'M DEAD ALREADY.

SON-OF-A-BITCH!

SON-OF-A-BITCH!

I SHOULD'VE SEEN IT COMING.

I SHOULD'VE SEEN IT COMING.

I SHOULD'VE SEEN IT COMING.

I SHOULD'VE SEEN IT COMING.

OH, GOD.

I MUST HAVE BEEN CRAZY TO LET YOU GET AWAY.

YOU DIDN'T LET ME GET AWAY, GEORGE.

I KICKED YOU OUT.

I KICKED YOU OUT.

OKAY, I GIVE UP.

WHERE DID YOU PUT YOUR INSULIN?

IT SHOULD BE IN THE BACK.

SECOND SHELF, I THINK.

SECOND SHELF, I THINK.

WHY DID YOU PUT YOUR INSULIN HERE?

IT WAS THE ONLY PLACE I COULD FIND.

ONE OF THESE DAYS,

WE'LL MIX IT UP WITH THE H-CELL-24

AND ACCIDENTALLY INJECT YOUR INSULIN

INTO ONE OF THE LAB RATS.

INTO ONE OF THE LAB RATS.

IT WOULDN'T HURT THEM.

WORST-CASE SCENARIO IS WE GET A RAT

WITH A HARD-ON FOR HERSHEY KISSES.

NO, NOT YOU, MIKE.

LISTEN. I'LL CALL YOU BACK TOMORROW.

NO. WAIT.

3:00 L.A. TIME. O.K.?

YOU GOT TO BE THERE FOR ME, MIKE.

WOULD YOU MIND DOING THE HONORS?

GEORGE, I'VE GOT WORK TO DO, TOO, YOU KNOW?

WHEN WILL YOU LEARN TO DO THIS YOURSELF?

NEVER. I HATE NEEDLES.

BESIDES, I LOVE THE THOUGHT

OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

CAUSING ME INTENSE PHYSICAL PAIN.

IF ONLY THAT WERE THE CASE.

COME ON. COME ON, BABY.

YOU ARE ONE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE PAIN.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE PAIN.

AH.

AH.

THANKS A LOT.

THANKS A LOT.

MY PLEASURE.

GEORGE, YOU ARE A SON-OF-A-BITCH!

I JUST WANT YOU TO EXPLAIN

WHY YOU CONTINUE TO DO THIS.

DO WHAT?

GEORGE PUT OUT ANOTHER PRESS RELEASE WITHOUT TELLING US.

YOU DIDN'T.

OH, YES, HE DID.

HE REALLY WENT TO TOWN.

"MR. GEORGE GATLIN ASSERTED

"THAT HE AND HIS PARTNERS,

"PACK BRIGHTMAN AND SOPHIE WAGNER,

"HAVE DEVELOPED A HYBRID CELL

"THAT WILL REVOLUTIONIZE DISEASE TREATMENT

"BY BREEDING THE DISEASE OUT OF IT.

"OUR RESULTS, SAYS MR. GATLIN,

"SHOW THAT H-CELL-24

WILL BE BOTH INEXPENSIVE AND SAFE."

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, PACK?

GEORGE, YOU TOLD THEM WE'RE READY

FOR HUMAN TESTING?

WE WILL BE.

YEAH, MAYBE...

IF WE CAN DEMONSTRATE THE H-CELL'S SAFE.

THE H-CELL-24 WORKS BEAUTIFULLY,

EXCEPT WE CAN'T ALWAYS MAKE IT STOP.

IF WE INJECT THAT INTO A HUMAN BEING...

IT WOULD PROBABLY KILL THEM.

IF WE CAN'T TURN THE CELL OFF,

IT WILL CONTINUE TO REPRODUCE ITSELF

UNTIL IT INVADES AND DESTROYS

EVERY SYSTEM IN THAT PERSON'S BODY.

IT'D BE HORRIFYING,

AND WE WOULD BE RESPONSIBLE.

WE'D BE MURDERERS. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

IF WE WANT TO CONTINUE TO RECEIVE FUNDING,

WE HAVE TO HAVE RESULTS.

NO RESULTS, NO FUNDING.

CAPISCE?

SO YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO GET THOSE RESULTS.

HE'S COMPLETELY LOST SIGHT OF WHY WE'RE DOING THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THIS ISN'T SOME GOD DAMN RACE TO THE BANK.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT MONEY.

YOU ARE JUST BEING A SELFISH EGOTISTICAL...

NOW WAIT JUST A SECOND.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING PROFESSOR BRIGHTMAN.

YOU THINK YOU GOT TENURE SO QUICKLY

BECAUSE EVERYONE LIKES YOU.

FUCK NO!

IT IS BECAUSE YOU INVOLVED IN SOME HIGH PROFILE,

HIGHLY PAID RESEARCH BECAUSE OF ME!

HIGHLY PAID RESEARCH BECAUSE OF ME!

BECAUSE OF ME.

AND IF I HAVE TO DO CERTAIN THINGS TO MAINTAIN THAT PROFILE FOR YOU.

THEN YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR BIG MOUTH SHUT!

THEN YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR BIG MOUTH SHUT!

YOU'RE OUT OF FREAKIN' MIND.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

PACK, PACK, COME BACK HERE.

PACK, PACK, COME BACK HERE.

GOOD DAY, WAS IT?

RIGHT. A REAL PRIZE-WINNER.

HEY, I THOUGHT I'D FIND YOU HERE SLUMMING IT.

PLEASE, GEORGE.

I CAME HERE IN SEARCH OF A LITTLE PEACE.

THAT MAKES TWO OF US.

CINDY, HOW YOU DOING, BABY?

CINDY, HOW YOU DOING, BABY?

UH, MARTY, I'M GOING TO HAVE THE USUAL.

YOU GOT IT.

AND ONE MORE OF WHATEVER THE LADY'S HAVING,

ON ME, OF COURSE.

COME ON, BABY.

YOU'RE NOT STILL ANGRY, ARE YOU?

I BET YOU EVEN AGREE WITH ME, DON'T YOU?

ARE YOU REALLY THIS STUPID?

THE LAST TIME YOU PULLED A STUNT LIKE THIS

WAS BAD ENOUGH--

TELLING THAT VENTURE CAPITALIST

THE H-CELL-24 WAS PATENTED.

IT WAS PATENTED.

RIGHT. SIX MONTHS AFTER YOU TOLD HIM.

YOU COULD HAVE COMPROMISED THE WHOLE PROJECT.

WE DIDN'T, THOUGH, DID WE? DID WE? NO.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

SOME OF US CARE ABOUT OUR INTEGRITY,

YOU KNOW?

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE? A COUPLE MONTHS?

IF YOU GUYS SHARED MORE INFORMATION,

WE COULD DO THIS QUICKER.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE DON'T.

YOU CAN NOT BE TRUSTED.

YOU CAN TAKE YOUR INTEGRITY AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS,

BECAUSE YOU LOVE SEEING YOUR NAME IN THE PAPERS.

NOW DON'T TELL ME THAT'S NOT TRUE.

AND AS FOR MY GOOD BUDDY PACK,

YOU DON'T THINK HE GETS A HARD-ON

THINKING WHAT A GOOD PERSON HE IS, DO YOU?

TRUST ME, YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE I DO.

I KNOW HIM!

I KNOW HIM!

YOU AMAZE ME.

YOU REALLY THINK EVERYONE

IS AS MERCENARY AS YOU ARE.

OH, NO. NO. NO. I'M NOT A MERCENARY.

YOU SEE, I'M HONEST.

YOU SEE, I'M HONEST.

I THINK THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD GO

BACK TO YOUR PLACE TONIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T THINK SO, DEAR.

RIGHT NOW, THE IDEA OF BEING INTIMATE WITH YOU

MAKES ME SICK.

MAKES ME SICK.

CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM, AND YOU CAN'T BE ONE.

CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM, AND YOU CAN'T BE ONE.

HI, HONEY. I'M HOME.

SON OF A BITCH.

SON OF A BITCH.

GET OUT!

GET OUT.

DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS DANCE EVERY TIME?

OUT!

I'M NOT DANCING, GEORGE.